2008: The Year That Followed 2007!

2008 has come and gone here at the Hawley Company. We'd like to take a little time out of our busy nap schedules to thank our wonderful vendors and even more wonderfuller dealers and the wonderfullest patrons of aforementioned dealers who keep the Hawley party train running down the distributor tracks. I just had a flashback to a youthful Don Cornelius wishing an audience love, peace and soul. OK, that's enough of that. So to keep this post from becoming unnecessarily sentimental, here is a profanity-laden diatribe against bike lane debris, specifically glass and rusty nails: [Edit. Edit. Edit.]. The reason for this outburst rests solely on the shoulders of a nail I ran over on my commute home. The nail, who I named Darren, after the Oakland Raiders running back who's career is being purposely sabotaged by Al Green, abruptly entered my rear Panaracer T Serv (the best urabn tire around) after a piece of glass had already flatted my tire 30 yards beforehand. To make a long story short, without an extra tube or air source, I walked back to Hawley, grabbed a sample Maxxis Detonator and rolled home in record time (at 7:00 PM). Surprisingly, this was my first ride on a Maxxis road tire and it did not disappoint! A pleasant and commute saving surprise. Mad props to Sandy. As for Darren, he sleeps with the fishes...



2008 saw Steve Hawley giving Judy the mad props she so richly deserved...... while Eddie mowed a desert in Namibia!
Andy took Storck sales to dizzying heights and office fashion to strange and uncomfortable lows
We welcomed and then bid adieu (as did the rest of the cycling world) to new friends!
2008 saw Dave succumb to his crippling paranoia and wear a "mind reading deflector" at all times.
2008 was also about style appropriation and assimilation...

... while a giant bag of broccoli went uneaten.
Professional road cycling made a comeback...
... as did company volleyball death matches, to the death!
Rich Dillen talked for the entire duration of 2008 while Eric thought "We're sponsoring this guy??? Oh well, Daddy needs his medicine"
Will said "hello" to cyclocross domination (in long pants no less!)...
while Kyle said "goodbye" to his dignity.
BMX-related assaults saw a decline...
while accountant-related mud consumption went up 10 fold.
The old warehouse said "hello" to the new warehouse, which said "I'm from the future. The future has this message for you: You suck!"
We said goodbye to Schwalbe's Hot Pink Stelvios...
...while the office said "goodbye" to Brantley, while Jeff said "hello" to Brantley and consequently "goodbye" to the office's respect.
Britney had the privilege of becoming Karen's friend...
... while Colin and Chris became friends, with privileges.
But through it all, the warehouse expansion stood strong, an immovable beacon of cycling hope amidst a sea of Walmart bikes and Segways. See you in 2009!

Goodridge Disc Brake Pad Quiz!

Let's take a trip, a trip back in time to a stuffy high school classroom where the Blog, manacled to a desk stares at a multiple choice test, sweat on the brow, Snuggle bear on the mind and nary a chance of success, praying to the SAT gods for a quick and painless death. Now fast-forward to 2008, handcuff yourself to a desk, get sweaty, think of Snuggle and match the disc brake pad to the common household item that best encapsulates the religious beliefs of the world leader the item most closely resembles in native speech pattern: A) Avid Code, Can of Hominy Beans [super-nasty] B) Shimano Deore Hydr., Taco C) Formula 2 Piston B4, Poison D) Hope 6P Mono, Actual Poison [drink in case of C], E) Avid BB5, Taco Cat... struttin'!
Answers: 1)=A, 2)=D, 3)=C, 4)=B, 5)=E
Answers: A=Taro Aso (Japan PM), B=Angela Merkel (Germany PM), C=Denis Sassou Nguesso (Republic of the Congo President), D=Jim Morrison (Cane Creek Pretty Boy and Dead Rocker), E=Taco Cat (King of Taco Cat Land)

You Can't Have Snuggle Bear Without Biscuits and Balrogs

Saints be praised! the Blog has survived another tumultuous Christmas season with all limbs attached. The Blog hopes you (and by you, I mean the insufferable wretches who crawl out of your hovels to crank up your 1994 Compaq laptops and over a ice cold mug of 3 day old coffee made from runoff water and a used dryer sheet for a makeshift coffee filter, trawl through your morning blogs searching for a glimmer of hope, a reason to live!) had a holly-jolly Christmas with plenty of presents, food and fun! :) Unfortunately for some of us, Santa wasn't up to par. 6 plus pounds gives Andy the frowns. Teenwolf couldn't be happier!


In exciting product news, we finally got some of those jazzy Inertia saddle bags, in even jazzier yet user friendly colors. As usual, the pink called out to the Blog, its siren song floating through the vertiginous walls of the warehouse singing, "Over here Ole Bloggy! Over here! Come see how, uh, Inertia-like I look!" It only took one fleeting glance and a cursory sniff and the Blog realized it must have one. Sorry Pedro's Micro Blowout bag, it seems your time has come! I shall miss thee...


Take 1 part Snuggle Bear, 1 part Balrog and a whole lot of Bojangles biscuits and you get the attitude behind the new pink Inertia saddle bag. Sensitive, but strong enough to enslave your soul, yet girded with the down home freshness and country appeal of a bacon egg and cheese gut-stomper (from the local vernacular). Got a tube? Got a CO2? Got a set of car keys? Good for you! Now put 'em in this bag!

(left to right:Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit, Balrog, Snuggle)

Oh yeah, just in case pink isn't your "thing", we've got 'em in bright, Communist/Cincinnati Red as well!
"Git you some! TEE HEE!"

Global Bike!

Shameless plug for a great bunch of folk from the Blog's hometown. Please visit their website and have a look around: GLOBAL BIKE! Sadly, they do NOT sell EPMD cassettes or french onion dip, which is what the Blog is craving as of this posting. Toodles!

Sick of Christmas Lights?

The Blog isn't, but if you are, then check out MTB Review's "Light Shootout" for more than enough information on lights, lumens, Tesla coils and intergalactic zepellins. Sadly, they provide ZERO info on the Blog's Princeton Tec Switchback. Nurtz! Oh well, if it's good enough for this guy, it's good enough for the blog!

Got a review of a light that isn't on here? Email it to the Blog. Keep the naughty bits to a minimum.

Shipping News!

Today is the 23rd of December. That means if you're hoping to get your Christmas goodies before the 25th, you're paddling upstream in a chicken wire canoe. The commercial package delivery system can only do so much. However, not wanting to play favorites as the Hawley Company loves all of its shippers (The Blog hates "Castaway" because of its negative portrayal of volleyballs and homemade loincloths but that doesn't alter our relationship with Fed Ex, although it should, but that's for me and the local authorities to decide), UPS seems to smell what this blog has cooking when it comes to alternatives to motorized vehicles: READ THIS RIGHT NOW! Oh yeah! Not only is UPS utilizing bicycles for deliveries, it's fitting all of its "hauling cart thingys" with super-hot mag wheels. Perhaps Hawley should fax them an account application? What can Brown do for us? Cha-chinnngg!!! One can only hope that UPS spreads its corporate tentacles into the sea of slothlike bike messengers nationwide, who lounge around all day sipping mimosas and complaining about "the vapors" as their calls go unanswered. For shame!

As a premeptive strike to any readers searching for pre-New Years posts, the blog offers this lovely story of bicycles and alcohol-sodden revelers being press-ganged by Dick Clark into powering the lights on the Times Square New Year's sign. THE HORROR

The Japanese Can't Construct a Lego Lord of the Rings Diorama To Save Their Lives: Cold Weather Commuter Gear

There are some strange things afoot around the world this holiday season. Very strange things. And as we all know, the epicenter of strangeness is Japan. But what the average non-cycling industry yahoo may consider strange, we who dwell within the cracks and crevices of bicycling sub-cultures consider innovative, creative and unnecessarily robotic (a.k.a. "Short Circuit 2", which indirectly caused the Rwandan genocide of 1994). Please giving visual pleasure for watching this video. Thankfulness with courtesy! (written in the Blog's best "Engrish")



In other important news, the Blog's sister rode into work this morning while the Blog sat at his house, winter riding gear laid out and with a shrug of the shoulders exclaimed "Nuts to this! I'm drivin' in!" What gives with the older sister punking me out? Anyhoo, the Blog's sister has nary a winter riding garment in her closet. So with that introduction, let's begin a shameless parade of quality winter riding gear that no commuter should be without! The cold is deadly and without the proper gear, it will kill you instantly. And yes, the car ride into work this morning was restful as it turns out NPR is now sponsored by the Department of Homeland Security(!)
(pictured from top to bottom and left to right: Craft Winter Knee Warmers, Craft Winter Arm Warmers, Craft Windproof Tactical Assault Mask, Craft Pro Warm Crew Base Layer, the warmest piece of clothing ever invented, Defeet Blaze Wool Socks, Eleven 81 Bootie)

This has nothing to do with cold weather gear but it's still freaking awesome! Look at that Lego Gandalf and Lego Frodo! It's like a book made into a movie come alive! "Hello Frodo! Merry Christmas! Did you borrow my Orc jelly? I'll cut you, you little thieving freak!!!"

We Walk the Straitline

(Santa needs a helmet for Christmas, perhaps an Eleven 81 Pothole at a reasonable price? Eh?)
Friday before Christmas is like...uh... Friday before Christmas! Slim pickins as far as content is concerned! The blog offers its humblest apologies. Its readers have come to expect a hearty five course banquet of cycling tomfoolery, not a wretched barf bag of slop and cat bones. Sadly, the Blog doesn't care today! As these words are typed, a gastrointestinal war is being raged (thank you San Jose restaurant!) that threatens to destroy both creative and regular metabolic processes. Seriously, this situation could escalate into something beyond the friendly confines of the Hawley company. But before the Blog dispatches itself to quieter, more porcelain-centric surroundings, it leaves you with a small but "1980's radical" offering from its inventory. A pink Straitline bash guard! These bash guards come to us sealed up tighter than Fort Knox! So after some debate with our Straitline purchaser, the thumbs up was made and the bash guard had its soul captured for both catalog and the Hawley Hall of Product Remembrance. Have a good weekend... suckas!

Sports Plus Beans = Today's Blog Post!

When the first bicycle parts distributor was started, Colonel Karate's Widgets, Saddles, Ointments, Tonics and Bashguards, a coconut tree was planted in honor of the momentous occasion. Colonel Karate later renamed his business Widgets, Saddles, Ointments, Tonics, Bashguards and Shredded Coconut. Since that arboreal symbiosis of bicycle and tree, distributors past and present have planted a tree to mark new milestones in their existence. We at the Hawley company are no exception. So it was with great fanfare and jubilation that a Sport Beans tree was planted to celebrate the imminent completion of the new 900,000 foot expansion (take that J & B!). Sandy pulled out some Sport Beans from the bean incubator and gave the Blog the green light as she hummed "Battle Hymn of the Republic" with tears streaming down her face. God bless this Sport Bean tree and its nourishing bounty!

"One... two... four beans! Four Sport Beans!!! Ah, ah, ahhhhh"
"Let's prepare the bean sarcophagus! Using your fingers is a great way to clear out dirt and sand! Works for ear wax and eye boogers too!"
"In ya go kiddies!"
"Sleep my pretties, sleep!"
"Can you believe it's December? This weather is crazy!... Crazy like a fox!"

Happy Hawley Daze!

A quick journey through the hallowed Hawley halls reveals several of the cogs who make up our distribution machine. Let's meet them, shall we?

Nathaniel "Spanish Armada" Hawthorne: Shipping Department Radio Technician, former co-director of the SETI program. Nate brings his 30 years of experience searching the celestial canopy for radio signals from distant galaxies to shipping, where he ships skewers and coaster brakes to distant galaxies, while listening to the signals coming from his boombox, also boasting thirty years of experience in the field of blowing your mind!
Brantley "Old Brittle Bones" Schleppowitz: Product Returns, Alzheimer Research Fund. Brantley is Hawley's favorite Nonagenarian. Whether he's wandering around aimlessly in circles asking people "where am I, Daddy?" or staring blankly at a computer screen whispering "the magical incantations to make the light cube speak" or complaining vociferously about the subtle changes in temperature or atmospheric pressure that "angry up his blood", you can count on Brantley to "get to the bottom of things" and "chase those rotten kids off of his lawn". (Please refer to archived post "Brantley Is Older Than Dirt")

Billy "The Pride (And Future Shame) of Red Bank" Garfunkel: Receiving, Chess Champion. Billy (or "Sir William" in England) is the youngest son of folk crooner Art Garfunkel. After a tumultuous childhood on the road with his father and an equally talentless dwarf named Paul Simon, Billy spread his wings and left the nest of cush celebrity for the honest, sweat-on-the-brow occupation of warehouse receiver. Billy once received a thousand Reba forks in an hour, or so the song goes. Even though he is a folk hero, he still finds time to run chess clinics in downtown Red Bank for underprivileged children who were also sired and subsequently abandoned by Art Garfunkel.
Trey "Lunar Pancakes" Zrrb: Shipping, Fashionista. Trey wears a lot of black. However, it is not because of fashion or an uncontrollable urge to absorb as much heat from the sunlight as possible (known as helio-sponging). Nay, it hearkens back to Trey's pilgrim roots as his ancestors were the first to disembark from an overcrowded and feculent Mayflower only to be ruthlessly scalped by marauding bands of Wampanoag. In addition to wearing black, Trey only converses in Algonquian as a tribute to his fallen ancestors. Luckily, Brantley translates for us as he too is fluent in Algonquian. Freak!
Norman Hanson: Office lobby Christmas tree. Norman showed up a few weeks ago. He's an unpaid intern who has an undergraduate degree from Cornell. After Christmas, we'll dump him off at a landfill, as is the custom with Cornell graduates.
Lex Luthor: Service Department, Machiavellian Industrialist and Megalomaniac. Lex brings over 30 years of experience to the Hawley service center. Whether it's a fork rebuild or building giant robots to destroy Superman, you can trust Lex to the job right, the first time! In addition to forks and Superman destroying, Lex operates a fully functional Dyno for testing the thresholds of your suspension and wears a robotic exoskeleton for personal safety.
Josh "My Wife Gives me Grief About My Weight But I Think She's Out of Line, I Mean Seriously, Does She Want Me To Develop An Eating Disorder" Draculadrawers: Graphics, Shape Shifter. Josh can transform himself into anything he wants to. Once he transformed himself into a saddle when the Blog needed a new one! Needless to say, after a few commutes into work, the Blog and Josh's relationship was altered forever. The Blog was lucky enough to have a camera at the ready as Josh was midway changing into Natalie Portman for his after work "me time". Heavens to murgatroid!

Later on that day, Josh sets his sights on a new shape shifting victim as a hapless Jim throws away children's letters to Santa Claus. Now that's the Christmas Spirit!

"Why Do You Despise Pomeranians, Jose?"

First of all, the picture below was gleaned from Cuteoverload.com. Second of all, it's from Japan. Third of all, the Blog can't stop looking at it. Nothing was photoshopped, enhanced, or altered (photographically or genetically). That dog is real as is its kimono. Mind-boggling. Simply mind-boggling.
Second, the Blog got a picture of Jose from "40 pounds ago" (according to Jose, HIS words, not the blog's). So the question is: What kind of bike is Jose riding on his way to yet another solo 24 hour race victory? You're not allowed to answer JT...