Cyclist Attacked By Automobile

Yet another cyclist has been hit by a motorist in Columbia. The latest accident happened last night only a few blocks from several Hawley employees' abodes. What's the deal with the drivers in this town? You don't here about these shenanigans in Red Bank or Elgin??? Of special note, several reader comments from one of the local news channel's message board. I could go on a obscenity-laden rant, but I'll let you do that on your own:

11 POUND BIKE AND LAVENDER OURY IN THE HOUSE

Hey ya'll. Freak 'dis. All sorts of strange, interesting stuff wandering through the office this morning. We have a Storck built up for Interbike. It's pretty darn light with all sorts of bobbles and trinkets designed to shave weight while increase performance, much like those rubber suits wrestlers used to wear...that I STILL wear (because I wet the bed). We also have lavender OURY grips on their way here. Sandy "The Original Schnauzer Browser" Emmanuel brought these puppies in after much deliberation. Colorful bike parts are the new black for the latter part of 2K8.

Late edit: The color is "lilac", not "lavender"

"Handbook For Touring Bicyclists" by Frosty Wooldridge

Oh Frosty, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Ah! Hello gentle blog reader! Did you have a relaxing Labor Day holiday? Horseback steeplechase followed by beluga caviar and absinthe cocktails? Yes? It is good to see we have similar "interests". In addition to my various recreational activities, I was able to catch up on some much needed reading. This past weekend's fare was the inimitable Frosty Wooldridge's "Handbook For Touring Bicyclists". If the cover of a mustachioed Lothario in chef hat and women's cut spandex shorts was any indication of this book's value, then I had stumbled upon a potential treasure trove. "Handbook" is a comprehensive A to Z guide for preparing meals while bicycle touring, but written with a rapier sharp wit and sense of humor comparable to a youthful Rich Little or Ray Stevens. It is divided into three parts: "Touring Tips", "Food On Tour" and the always enthralling "Appendices".
In "Touring Tips", Frosty provides the hapless reader with a VAST panoply of different packing lists for different touring agendas. As expected, the always trusty cook stove, fuel and mess kit are dutifully included. However, the wily Frosty throws us a few curveballs with eyebrow raising suggestions like petroleum jelly, frisbee(s) and analog tape recorder (yes, these are actual thing to pack). Oh Frosty, you think of everything... and nothing!
After you've machete-ed your way through the veritable jungle of worthless knowledge in Part One, it's on to Part Two, "Food On Tour". This section is comprised of different recipes that will dumbfound and stupefy even the most experienced bicycle tourer. A "succinct shopping list" includes 65 food items and ingredients you'll need to stuff into your two rear panniers. You'll also need a doctorate in quantum physics as you alter time and space to accommodate your pallet-load of food. But not to worry, a couple Burley Flatbeds (ordered from your favorite Hawley supplied dealer) should accommodate the extra zucchinis, pilaf and falafel mix. All aboard for deliciousness! My favorite recipe is "Sally's Saddle Sore" Tortillas. It's a basic burrito but with a twist: cumin! In addition to the cumin, the recipe's namesake is actually an infected boil on your butt. Appetite suppression? I think not! I tried this recipe last night and the results were explosive.
Part Three is the appendix, or "Appendices". People who use appendices should be shot... with a harpoon gun... on their birthday. But I digress. The appendix is loaded with useful addresses and contact info for companies related to bicycle touring. Unfortunately, since this book's publishing in 1978, most of the companies listed are out of business. Their founders are either dead or ruined, alcoholic shells of their former selves, dreading the inherent misery each new day brings. In conclusion, "Handbook For Touring Bicyclists" is a delightful, lusty romp for readers young and old, alive and dead!


If you've followed all of Frosty's advice, you'll be in the mood for taking your own life. Frosty shows you how!!!

Grizzlies, the blood-thirsty comedians of the great outdoors.
A feverish and disoriented bicycle tourer consumes a rat as he begins his spiritual Vision Quest. This is known as pulling a "Jim Snyder"...

EP-No!

Contrary to popular belief, EP-No is NOT what you hear when you call Vanilla Cycles and ask about getting a price reduction on a custom tandem cross bike. EP-No is what you hear when you ask Jim Snyder "Hey man, what blood booster can I take in pill form that will get my engine ready for cross season?" EP-NO takes your red blood cells and hemoglobin and supercharges it with good ole fashioned "can do spirit". That "can do spirit" contains Iron and B12, two important foot soldiers in the war against pseudoanemia and full-on anemia. Pros use this stuff because when it comes to a bike race. the only thing between them and a podium spot is precious, delicious, iron-rich blood. Will "Big Willy Style" Gilette has been taking EP-No religiously and is without a doubt the strongest rider at Hawley crushing those of us not in the EP-Know. Will has also become impervious to fire and has stopped aging because of EP-No.

David Lee Roth and All Things Rock-ish

Like the mysterious incantations of Tibetan Throat Singers or the similarly mysterious drunken warbling of Diamond David Lee Roth (I've been listening to A LOT of "1984" and it effects me, deeply, on a religious and potentially nutritional level, and by that I mean "1984" rocks so hard that one could subsist off of its aural byproducts if need be), the siren song of "The Weekend" beckons to the blog and everybody else toiling deep within the Hawley Company. It sings "Forget about your Mac that's billowing smoke and flashing random, hateful messages on your screen! Come towards the weekend and watch football and sleep past noon and eat food that doesn't have a shred of nutrition in it and swear loudly and often!!!" So yes, we have been summoned by The Weekend and now we must do its bidding, much like a lesser talented band called Loverboy in its subtlety titled magnum opus, "Everybody's Working For... The Weekend?"

If you get a chance, drive up to Greenville, SC and watch the road racing nationals. From what I hear, it should be mildly interesting. Also, go by The Mystery Machine and say "hi" to Andy "Sweet Georgia Brown" Hale and Brittney "Cucumber Salad" Not Born With a Last Name as they spread the Storck gospel. They have been on the road a loooong time and are desperate for human contact. Feel free to chat with them, or even pet them. But under no circumstances feed them or spill water on them. We've all seen the documentary "Gremlins"...

"Ya'll got to feed me them tender vittles! Me try to be good hard worker woman! Me try!"
Andy with his stalker/Number 1 superfan, Irving Schulberg

Warehouse Expansion Update

After some particularly nasty rain showers this week, construction started up again in earnest. But don't take my word for it, see for yourself!

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

...belongs to El Hefe, the Big Boss Man, Numero Uno, Steve Hawley (the man not the myth). This is a 93 cm Soma Cross frame (originally built for Manute Bol) with matching Vicious CX fork. Every part on this bike came from the warehouse, but we're still awaiting payment on this puppy as Steve's "in lieu of payment" offerings of a) magic beans b) a healthy milking cow c) a 2005 Next full suspension mountain bike with speed wheels purchased from Craigslist were VIGOROUSLY rebuffed by our accounting department. But seriously people (with a nod of the hat to Man Bear Pig), Steve commutes into work on this puppy. It's not going to win any criteriums, but it's made for the ritual abuse of gnarled Lexington roads and the merciless weather of the deep South.

The cockpit, where the "magic happens", is equipped with Thomson stem, Cateye computer, Ritchey bar, Paul Levers and Cane Creek headset!

Campy Proton wheels, Schwalbe Marathon tires, Truvativ cranks, Planet Bike rear light and WTB saddle make this the most diverse and possibly most schizophrenic bicycle ever assembled!

We'll All Be Schwalbe

Sweet sassy molassy the blog is tired. Tired and confused and somewhat agitated with a mild itching sensation, but mostly tired. A weekend of Pisgah hi-jinks created a sleep deficit before the usual Thursday work week sleep deficit...but the deficit was/is worth it! Troy (inside sales) cut his teeth on Western North Carolina's finest singletrack for the first time. A mountain debutante, Troy performed admirably, going down only a handful of times while shredding in an 80's bmx style that was the theme of the weekend. Troy mostly rode in the back of the line so I could only hear the occasional "Dear Lord!" and "What? Another stupid bridge???" Also mad props to dead 70's iconic rocker/Cane Creek engineer Jim Morrison for being first up every hill and first down every hill as well as dominating the last part of the ride with only 50 percent of his handlebar. The fellow has mad skillz that pay the billz, and design headsets too. On a slightly related product note, this was the blog's first ride on the Schwalbe Racing Ralph 29 inch mountain bike tires. The blog opted for the less cushy 2.25 (578 grams a piece) which was a first as it usually wants all the air volume it can get at Pisgah. But throwing caution to the wind, the 2.25s were installed and lo and behold, they provided just the right amount of cushion to tame the nasty, sharp, pointy rocks littering Daniel Ridge. In addition to the Racing Ralphs, both Josh and Troy were running the Schwalbe Nobby Nics. No complaints from anybody meant we had chosen wisely this time... and not poorly.

Uh, yeah.

Well, since Josh is my social better and genetic superior, if he suggests something for the blog, the blog must comply or risk swift and brutal retribution. So with that in mind, I present you today's blog entry:

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

... belongs to Gabe (inside sales). Gabe is the newest addition to the Hawley family. A veritable newborn infant within the sales department, Gabe comes to us from Florida. Primarily known for beaches, a Nascar race, a couple botched presidential elections, the worst named sports franchise in history and the fictional setting for "Golden Girls", it is NOW known for its tenacious bicycle commuters. Gabe lives 20+ miles away, doesn't know his way in Columbia, doesn't own a road bike and lives off of one of the scarier roads in town. That being said, Gabe threw the gauntlet down and jumped into the commuting fire (how about that mixed metaphor). Oh yeah, it was raining cats and dogs.

SHINEY PLAQUE TIME: How to Reach a Record Setting Month (And Live to Tell About It)

The Hawley Company was abuzz this morning as Steve had scheduled a company-wide morning meeting at the receiving loading dock. Apprehension and fear were rampant! Marcus (shipping) locked himself in the food room "until this passes" and Jeff (receiving svengali) huddled in the parking lot, rocking back and forth whispering to himself "this is NOT happening! this is NOT happening!" Even Ian's tuneless whistling and cockney innuendo was replaced with "By the ghost of Michael Caine, don't this pickle me puddin'! Blacken yer boots guv'ner? Two pence? Eh? Eh?" What could be the reason for the meeting? Bad news about the warehouse expansion? Mass-firing and execution of the sales staff? Ritual sacrifice to the Earth gods to ensure a healthy wheat harvest this fall? We JUST had a sacrifice last week to honor some sort of lava monster that lives out back (his name is Phil, he's made of lava and he creeps everybody out). Sacrificial goats don't grow on trees you know... not like they did eons ago when Neanderthals roamed the earth in search of fire, the wheel and the one known as Brantley (OK, he's old people, get over it). So with a near-riotous mob of employees assembled and with Troy in the middle of throttling a goat to death, Steve walked in to deliver the bad news. But it wasn't bad news! It was good to great news! In July, the Hawley Company reached a record-setting mark (in sales, not Centipede) for the first time in recorded history (how's that for redundancy)! In addition, a key component to the burgeoning sales, Miss Judy from accounting was honored for 15 years of magnanimous service to the Hawley Company. With the grace and aplomb that is inherent in our social betters, Miss Judy humbly accepted her honorary award noting that "this is for all my homies in lock down!" After some hugs, Derrick (Hawley lamaze class) with a little help from Miss Judy accepted the record-shattering plaque for "all my ladies in lamaze class!" The plaque has every employee's name inscribed on it for eternity. Tony Zanca (inside sales) is listed last. Aaron Aardvarkenstein is listed.... next to last! Aaron Aardvarkenstein is a gerbil. This gerbil. Steve thought it would be a good idea to list employees by cognitive intelligence instead of alphabetically. I agree! So after we wrestled Troy away from the sacrificial goat, coaxed Marcus out of the food room and convinced Jeff that the world was not ending, it was back to the world of bicycle parts and FREE LUNCHES!!!!

Left to Right: Steve Hawley, Miss Judy, The Wizard of Lamaze

Rock the Vote!

Warehouse Expansion Update! (Part 2)

The glorious Hawley warehouse/dinner club expansion continues with unfettered, reckless abandon. Steel beams have been glued into place and now the walls go up! This is a process that requires a steady hand and ice water flowing through the veins. Take a brain surgeon, lock him in a basement with one of those dudes who builds ships in bottles and a world champion Jenga player, somehow (through technology) get them to mate (romantically) and the unholy spawn would resemble, to the very smallest strand of DNA, the wall assemblers on the construction site. After the walls are in place, the light bulbs are screwed into the steel beams, the outhouse is dug "out back over yonder" (to quote Steve) and voila, we're ready for move-in! Some minor changes to the original building plans include sod floors, player piano, ole timey saloon with grizzled bartender, spittoon washer and open air windows. Advantage... HAWLEY COMPANY!!!

The executive washroom. ..

This Post Needs No Title

Eddie (shipping) is our new company mascot. Number one baby, number one!

Jose's New Vassago 29er Frame: Murder Is Narrowly Avoided

TO whom it may concern, I have something to get off my chest. For the past 3 (or is it TWO?) months, I have been tottering on the edge of murdering my co-worker Jose (inside sales) with my bare hands, throttling his throat until he sees that mysterious light and hears faint harp music from winged creatures. Not because he is a bad person or TOO funky for his own good. Nay gentle reader! My murderous intent was because of his daily pestering in regards to the acquisition of a Vassago Optimus Ti 29er frame. Every tiny, insignificant minutia of Jose's dealings with Vassago was subsequently relayed to me through mouthfuls of fried catfish from Mr. Fish and scalding hot lashings of rancid Maxwell House. Dear Lord, how I dreaded Jose's visits, always prefaced with the requisite "Dude" as he launched into some swear word laden description about his latest frame acquisition misfortune. I had hoped Jose would get my subtle hints like "Oh really? Well, I better get back to work!" and "Before you say anything, go away tiny man!" and "I will kill you". Unfortunately, Jose's tenacity proved unswerving and it was only last week that I began to pass by gun shops, lustily eying implements of death and destruction that would end Jose's suffering, as well as my own. Flash-forward to today! As if answering an unconscious prayer, UPS delivered Jose's frame and the great Hawley murder/suicide pact of 2008 was averted... until Jose decides to buy a new road frame!

Product Placement: Gravity Freeride and DH Wheels

In a product note, we got some of those new-fangled Gravity freeride and DH wheels. Perfect for the youngster who has it all, yet desires more! Constructed from what appears to be metal, these wheels are round-shaped for superior rolling and come with pre-assembled spokes and thingies in the middle that add strength and stability to your, uh, quality of ride? Gravity wheels are the hottest things since an intrepid Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin decided that an over-sized aero-coach was the future of gentlemanly air travel... and we all know how Zepellins turned out! They freakin' rocked our world!!! So in conclusion, let's all bow down and give thanks to the Gravity Gods and their indestructible wheels that will have you exclaiming "Oh, the humanity!"

Count Ferdinand Von Zeppelin: "Buy these wheels or I'll rock your sexy body, big time!"

Awwwww yeah!!! Check out these wheels as they "defy gravity"!!!! That's it, time for a nap

Quote of the Week!

At the behest of Teenwolf (inside sales and committed family man), we're posting the quote of the week, courtesy of Colin (inside sales and not-so-committed family man):

I'm SO ready for the apocalypse. I will thrive.

Here are some movies to watch to prepare yourself for the impending apocalypse...
On the Beach
Dr. Strangelove
Beneath The Planet of The Apes
The Omega Man
Dawn of the Dead
The Road Warrior
Twelve Monkeys
Last Night
Sunshine
Gigli



Mountain bike wheel of the apocalypse...(ed. note This blog post is known as "phoning it in". Although a rare occurrence, this is a result of several factors: lack of coffee, lack of salted peanuts, lack of sleep, lack of inspiration, lack of motivation, etc (etc. is also a useful tool when "phoning it in"). A popular subject for "phoning it in" is the Apocalypse because it pretty much writes itself. In addition to the apocalypse, belittling an absent office employee is also handy. For example, Jim Snyder (purchasing) is a ninny and he steals from old people. Jim is out sick so by that logic, he was born a woman and wears adult diapers. See, it's just that easy!

New Shimano Dura Ace Sneak Pizz-neak and Brantley's Imaginary Friend Revealed

New Dura Ace Brake

New Dura Ace "Red Dawn"
New Dura Ace Crank Set


Brantley's post Denver vacation survey as conducted by our blog staff:
"Hi Brantley, can you fill out this survey for today's blog? Whenever you
get a chance:

1)On a scale of 1 to 10, ten being the best, how would you rate your
trip to Denver?8 (Highly dubious! According to Brantley's wife, he spent the entire vacation in the hotel bathtub, "protecting himself from ghosts")

2)Within ten, how many bike riders did you see?426 (Once again, a completely random number that demonstrates his mental instability)

3)Did you eat any Mexican food? YEP (Brantley hasn't eaten solid food since 1864 when he shared a hush puppie with Robert E. Lee. Look it up, Doubty Mc-Doubt-Doubt)

4)Did you see any bicycle shops?NO (His hotel room was INSIDE a bike shop)

5)How many homeless people did you see?35 (Impossible.)

6)Would you ever live in Denver? NO, GETS TO COLD IN THE WINTER (He was born and raised in Norway, went to college in Canada and sleeps on an ice mattress, with extra ice)

7)Would you recommend Denver to somebody else, looking for a new town to
live in? YEP (When he spun into the office (stinking of cheap gin), Brantley screamed "Stay outta Denver or you'll be sorrrryyyyyy!!!!"

8)Did you see any hippies? Yep (Hippies were banned from Colorado in 1985, a year after "Red Dawn" was released in theaters, a movie that proved only non-hippies could defend our country from the intrusions of Soviet-backed Cuban mercenaries. Wolverine!!!!!!!)

9)Did you smell pot smoke? yep (Impossible. Brantley was born without nostrils. They hadn't been invented. This guy is OLD!)

10)How big was the airport? Real big (He took a train)

11)Final thoughts about your Denver trip? "Nice place to visit, would
like to have stayed longer." (He got this from a fortune cookie... he found on the train!)

Brantley Returns...

Disoriented, wild-eyed and stinking of cheap gin, an unshaven Brantley careened into work today after a whirlwind sojourn to the Mile High City (see Last Week's Entries). After the requisite "Where am I?", "Who are you?" and "Who the heck used my rhubarb ointment?!", we pulled up chairs and listened to Brantley recount his Rocky Mountain adventure. Three hours into his animated tale-spinning that included avalanches, gold rushes, Alex English sightings and bare knuckle brawls with abominable snow folk, Brantley curled up under his cubicle desk and drifted to sleep with the distant, contented look that befits only the craziest and most senile of bicycle industry veterans.

A visibly unstable Brantley demands to be photographed with his good friend, The Easter Bunny: