The End of Bike Lights As We Know It!

Well, according to the good folk at Huffy Bikes, they recommend not riding at night. In fact, if you're caught on your bike after dark, immediately dismount, find a wooded area and curl up in the fetal position while the local raccoon population sizes you up for a midight snack:
Huffy Bikes also recommends not participating in the Red Bull Rampage. But if you find yourself in the Red Bull Rampage, don't be freaked out by the deadliness:
One thing the blog doesn't recommend is tandem cyclocross (taken shamelessly from the Gary Fisher 29er Crew blog):
(late edit. Images also borrowed from Huffy and Straitline's blog)

BMX Rated, For Your Pleasure, With Color Pictures!

This past Saturday was exciting. I did laundry. Then I went and bought cat treats and eggs at a local grocer. After polishing off the cat treats (just kidding, they were for my cat Mimi, and by "cat" I mean a docile hobo I captured last year and keep in a cage. He is well behaved and kind to all. I will release him into the wild... soon), I remembered there was some sweet BMX action at the new Lexington track. It was "Nationals" so that meant Pros racing alongside the kids. No pros were spied on Saturday but there was still plenty of action, action, action! The average length of a race was around 38 seconds. That meant you could cram in about 70 motos in an hour. Good lord! It was almost too much as I approached sensory overload. As one age group would round turn 2, the starting gate would release another age group, like waves of X-Wing fighters hurtling through space to confront a giant space orb that destroys planets. No giant space orbs that destroy planets showed up (apparently, I can't use "Death Star" as stupid-head George Lucas is quite litigious) but there were plenty of jeans and even some purple cords on the race track. As a mountain bike racer, it still perplexes me as to why you would want to wear jeans in a race. Of course cut-offs that hide my thunder are obvious for race day kit choices (a tip of the hat to Tobias Funke) but full length jeans are a head scratcher. Oh well, that's BMX fashion for you. As for the races, there was much styling and profiling. Smooth does not begin to describe some of the riders through the rhythm sections. A wreck here and there, but most riders had their situations in control, Janet Jackson style. As BMX is the true,original single speed, I marveled at the rainbow of chain ring colors on display. Blue, purple, red, gold, pink, and green were all seen (usually with matching hubs and sometimes with matching handlebars!). I love my Truvativ chainring, but dang it, why can't they make something a little jazzier than matte black? So in conclusion, we mountain bike riders can't hold a candle to the BMX crowd. I'm sorry, it's true. They wear jeans. They have mustaches (even the children). They don't care about bike weight. They only have to race for 38 seconds. They have bands like Lucero on their DVDs (sorry, had to put in a plug for good buddy John Stubblefield's outfit). They have Sandy Emmanuel (Hawley purchaser and BMX ragamuffin) in their corner. They saved E.T....
(late edit. As we left the track, we saw Jeff "Cash-Splash Stache That never Leaves a Rash unless You're Eatin' Barbeque Hash" Rickard walking confidently through the teeming hordes of mustachioed child-racers. Who is Jeff? Well gentle reader, he is the man who warps time and space in order to find room in our cramped warehouse for the water bottle cages and arm warmers your local dealer stocks in their shelves. So the next time you walk into whatever shop you frequent, or if you're a shop owner, think of Jeff Rickard... and his mustache, taunting you.

They planned this maneuver:

One of the jazzier bikes out there:

Three years old:
Three year old versus five year old:

Best death/concentration face of the day:
9 year old girls obliterate the course:
Joshie's favorite part: The Wrecks!!!

NC Cyclocross!

Lots of racing this weekend for employees of the Hawley Company. The mothership descended upon Raleigh for some of the N.C. cross circuit. Will (shipping), Kyle (graphics) and Teenwolf (customer service apprentice/facial hair) showed how "South Cackalack do things" by racking up top ten finishes on both days. According to his press agent, Will had the best showing with a 5th spot out of 60-65 riders. Not bad, not bad at all! Most disappointing was Teenwolf's early exit at Sunday's race. I guess he lacked the heart, the determination, the mental and physical stamina necessary for back to back days of intense competition. Color me disappointed! So yeah, hurry and buy your Challenge and Tufo tires while the gettin' is good.

One of the better pain faces I've seen. Well, less pain and more despair, bordering on suicidal
Teenwolf and Will follow the lead group. Whats up with the dude on the front? I mean seriously, the race is only 30 seconds old and you're already "digging deep"? Don't quit your day job. Oh yeah, Maxxis called, they want their kits back. Quite possibly the best photo ever. Well, the quality sucks but if you ever wanted a visual definition for "punked at the line", look at this pic!
Nasty run-up!

Jed Schneider demonstrates some good form on the run-up. Jed lives down the street from the Hawley racers. Did they carpool? A resounding no! Jed traveled in style safely inside the Jittery Joe's hydrofoil. He still got it handed to him in the Pro's race. Hmmmmm
I like Moots and this guy is riding one... in the wrong direction!!!
A Cane Creek wheel set is spied on the course! He was a good racer with plenty of bike handling skills. Too bad every other word out of his mouth was a racial epithet.
This guy was creeping everybody out!
More Cane Creek love!

giant ants, fake indians, and Zaxby's.....bring on the apocalypse!!!!

Blog 1.0

Well, this is my audition for my very own blog and the pressure is on. Not that I mind pressure, I don't mind anything, I am fully prepared for life lacking luxury. To those preparing for the post apocalypse, we refer to this as "L3". We are referred to as "APOC's". It stands for "grAnd Preparers for the wOrld's destruCtion ". Not the perfect anagram, but we still used the letters....in order! I'm sure most of my local coworkers have rolled their eyes at least once at my constant ranting of my personal preparedness for the "Lifting of the Vail" (Greek root). I personally like to think of it as the "opening of a can". It's not that my superior genetics or abnormal ape index are going to make me a king of the wasteland, but my attitude. To me it's like a big camping trip. Except we no longer watch out for bears, but the giant, dog sized ants that have mutated as a result of the exposure to nuclear radiation. Fortunately, their brains mutated as well and using a simple language similar to how Native American's speak in those 1950's westerns, we can converse. With very little effort, they are easily confused. With the use of gratuitous break dancing and the trick where you fake pulling off your thumb, any ant will assume you are a some sort of sorcerer. I have used this in other scenarios with similar effect (Floridians, Waffle House employees, and Troy). Wow, that was quite a tangent. Sure am glad I left a trail of crumbs from my Zaxby's wings and things. You know that is one luxury I may have to maintain. Zaxby's will be the official food of the post-apocalypse. Zax sauce will become the currency. Since paper money has been woven into the fabric that decorates my palace (a former Pep Boys) and the base layer of all of my suits of Samurai armor, completely made of dollar bills and cut up mud tires. Kind of like "Shredder" from the Ninja Turtles Movie, but like infinity times cooler. So you can see how un-skeered I am about the world after civilization. I don't fear the judgments that will be past upon me for y first entry either. Just remember, I hold grudges for a long time and you may end up the keeper of the royal bedpan. And Zaxby's never passes smoothly.

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

Belongs to Derrick "D-Rod", "The Pride of South Congaree", "Sweet Sonny Sixpence", "The Roger Ailes of Inside Sales" Boatwright. Derrick has been a commuting dynamo this summer but for some strange reason (geomancy, plain and simple) his trusty Storck has alluded the hallowed halls of the Hawley Blog. I could've used "Hootenanny" instead of "Blog" to drive that alliteration home, but as we all know, discretion is the better part of valor when it comes to alliteration. Have we learned nothing from Tiananmen Square??? You know, with the tank and the guy standing in front of it reciting W.H. Auden's "The Age of Anxiety"? Back to the issue at hand. I'll try and be as detailed as possible. Derrick's lovely Storck is made of carbon fiber and comes with two wheels. It has a saddle for sitting upon and pedals for velocitizing. The Sram handlebar tape is edible. Derrick prefers black cherry. Often times, Derrick can be seen breaking off a hunk of tape, popping it into his mouth and whistling a happy tune, perhaps about Gator Claus... TROY?!?!?! It's a nice looking Storck but the blog has to raise an eyebrow at that Sigma headlight. That is SO Fall 2007....

Sram Red levers match hubs, handlebar, seatpost and brake pads. But do they match Colin's sleeveless turtleneck???
Zipp cranks and pedals we don't sell. They rhyme with Pee'd Play
The cockpit, where all the action happens. Theres that Sigma light! Notice the handlebar tape...
Fizik saddle and matching bag. If you buy a Storck, we throw in a Fizik, free of contamination or disease.
The Storck waits patiently outside for Derrick to leave work.
See there, got through an entire blog post without mentioning those scandalous chili dogs next door! If I opened a chili dog shack, I would call it "Just Chilin'!" or "Free Money Inside!" (to get the consumer's attention)

Bicycle News Roundup, We're Phonin' This One In

Ran by Coffee Shanty USA today for a couple chili dogs and as I gnawed on a footlong, Doris Donnybrook, the barista, owner and tenant of Coffee Shanty USA asked me what was "new" in the "cycling world". I responded "Your guess is as good as mine! Is this a fingernail in my chili?" Doris, oblivious to the fingernail and her impending leprosy began to fill me in on all the exciting news from the world of print and internet muckrakers. I nodded as I fained interest in her endless blathering. The chili dog and ONLY the chili dog was all I cared to listen to. It sang to me, "Eat me! I am delicious! My chili is homemade... from older, recycled chili!" And on and on until I grew tired of the charade we call lunch time. Perhaps I will see my singing chili dog in 8 to 12 hours? Perhaps sooner...

A photo contest about "the biggest thing you've ever hauled with a bike":
http://austinbikeblog.org/?p=1071#comment-328

President Bush gets ready to open national parks to mountain biking. Good or bad?:
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5j00qb3M8V1vjLngO-ITuEljr0ezwD93QF1T00

Dave W. from Ergon gets the usual left-wing hatchet job from America's most radical publication:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/14/sports/othersports/14cycling.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

More yellow journalism, this time a slideshow of pretentious New Yorkers and their bikes. Hey NY Times, I got news for you, you're 5 years too late. Maybe you should check out Copenhagen Cycle Chic's blog once in a while!?! Sheeez!:
http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/10/09/fashion/20081009_BIKES_index.html

A Matter of Grave Importance!

As some of you folk may know, Halloween is right around the corner. The question is, have you thought about what you'll be eating from the candy aisle at your local grocer or confectionist? The blog has. In fact, the blog thinks about candy 90 percent of the day. The other 10 percent is devoted to chips, salsas, good sportsmanship and the new chili dogs being served for lunch at the coffee shack next door. Seriously, you go there in the morning for your cup of whatever (coffee perhaps, or a wheat grass) and when the prehistoric bird whistle goes off for lunch, you pick up a couple chili cheese dogs. Crazy huh? The young lady who runs the coffee shack has a booming voice so don't be intimidated. She means you know harm, or ill-will. She just likes to be heard, the voice of reason... the voice of chili dogs... the voice of deliciousness. But the blog digresses. Where was I? Oh yes, candy. Let's start off simple: The Butterfinger GIANT! This version of your standard Butterfinger is usually sold in movie theaters but has started showing up in more accessible locations. Why just this morning I noticed it sitting on an obviously weight-strained candy display at a local pharmacy (the wire rack was buckling under from the sheer girth of the GIANT!). What prescription drugs was the blog picking up? None of your cotton-pickin' business! You don't know me! I'll cut you! Cut you good! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I love you, gentle blog reader! Ole Bloggy won't do wrong by you! Please! RARRRR! So yes, I was picking up my mood swing inhibitors and spied the GIANT. It's a huge Butterfinger, flattened and segmented into individual pieces. So you get all the Butterfinger taste but none of the mess associated with the longer and more brittle original bar form. For the blog, it will be its only source of nutrition for the next three days. Iggy Pop ate sausage and only sausage for an entire year (it's true, look it up!). Surely the blog can survive on Butterfingers for 72 hours...

Nutritionally, the GIANT isn't as bad as one would think. I would rank it somewhere between a head of lettuce and fried lard.

WAREHOUSE EXPANSION

Please bear with us, we are experiencing technical difficulties...

For today's performance, the blog will be played not by the "original" blog, but by the "fake" blog. The fake blog in no way, shape, or form, can directly imitate the original blog, so please cut him/her/it some slack.


The warehouse expansion continues...

The latest addition being the 2009 catalog creation think tank. With serious catalog creation cranking up to full force, the graphics team needed a place where they could work long days, err, hours. While only temporary, (supposedly they're eventually to be extra showers for our commuting community, what a waste if you ask the fake blog), This area will serve as the cage, err, office space for the graphics slaves, err, department.


Each cell, err, office space measures a spacious 2'W x 5'T and has many amenities, such as a concrete floor and steel bars.

There will also be an additional space dedicated for one of Hawley's, and the world's, oldest person, Brantley. Because of his long and dedicated service, His cage, err, special office is made of reinforced titanium tubing and will eventually be padded for his 3:00 nap time (He occasionally has some "bad" dreams). Coincidentally this will also serve as entertainment for the graphics slaves, err, department.