Maximum Shreditude!

Today's installment of "Maximum Shreditude!" comes to us from Eric and Kelly's Bent Creek shred fest. Totally awesome! Radical to the extremities of radicalness! Eric (Cane Creek sad sack) sent these pics with a brief note attached: "Yo sucka! Check out these extreme shots of me and my old lady seriously shreddin' Bent Creek. Kelly shredded the shred out of a log ride as I got my shred on, basically shredding this dope little piece of shred shred shred, shred? Shred! By the way, could you turn these four pictures into a shreddin' movie with Prodigy playing in the background? Thanks bro! I owe you an organic lunch at an overpriced Asheville restaurant!
Shreddingly Awesome,
Eric and Kel-shred"

Kelly starts her assault on a Bent Creek log. Notice how she gets that front wheel up!
Halfway there Kel, don't give up now!
Well, only a couple more feet, but I guess we'll never know if you made it. The office is 50/50. Sorry, that's life... when you're freakin' shreddin!!!
Eric catches mad air... or is it photoshop magic? Take two shreddin's and see me in the mornin'!!!!

"No Jacket Required"...

Is an infinitely mind-expanding rocker of an album that rips your soul from your worthless body, pounds it flat with a rusty sledge hammer, scrapbooks it with buttons, glue, pipe cleaners and glitter and then mails it to your senile old grandmother with a note attached to it saying "Get Real, Granny! You can't hang with Phil Collins!!!" The bicycle equivalent of one of the greatest artistic triumphs ever, Will G's new/old cross bike, courtesy of the new "full-custom service" garage here at the Hawley Company won't stop rocking you, no matter how much you plead for mercy, like a soft, willowy Andy Hale...

"Take me home..."

"Sussudio!!!"

"His effortless graft of bright white-R&B bounce to quirky, unexpected melodies is instinctively commercial but never feels overly contrived."
—–David Fricke, Rolling Stone review, 9 May 1985

The said could be said about Will G....

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Ritual hazing. It's a practice as old as time itself. And as practices go, it's as transmutable as water, adapting, adjusting, forming itself to any environment... work environment. Unfortunately for Colin, the idea of hazing is not lost on Andy. The task was simple: force Colin to do something horrible, like eat way too much of a certain candy then add a certain candy spray to the mix under the guise of "a fun, silly dare". Dear God, the horror of it all. Poor Colin, he claimed his tongue burned throughout the night, muting all taste, culinary and otherwise. Luckily, this demonstration was not lost on new hire Michael as he arrived at work 15 minutes early today, offering to polish Andy's scepter and fetching hot water for his daily Earl Gray tea. No need to fret Michael, your trial by ordeal doesn't start until we can re-stock the eel tank. Have a great weekend!

Let This Distract You!

While perusing Copenhagen Cycle Chic, I came across this bike. The blog's sister reads this nonsense so Fay if you're reading, THIS is how you commute to work!!! Feelin' lazy today so the nonsense from this morning will have to wait until tomorrow's post. Sorry

Souperbad!

Jose (sales conquistador/devoted lover and family man) made the Blog soup today. It had potatoes, beans, ham and some other stuff (like beans). Add one part microwave and one part spoon and you've got a succulent lunchtime repast! So the question is, was this soup or was it stew? Debate amongst yourselves. In other less important news, we got in boxes and boxes of pink Sram hoods and handlebar tape. The blog ran black hoods with pink tape for several months. On every ride, the blog never felt "quite right", "not so fresh". Perhaps it was the hoods? They was up to no goods! I write like I speak! By the way, Jose's soup isn't for sale. However, you would think it is after hearing about it from him for 3 days straight. "Soup this", "Soup that!". Nobody likes hubris Jose, nobody.

Guitar Hero on a Bicycle, Surprise Phone Test: The Unflappable Pastor Troy, New Eleven 81 Water Bottle Cage Bolts in Tha HIZZY!

In the spirit of video gaming and its undeniable link to the cycling world, the blog humbly presents this moving picture for your perusal. Please direct all complaints to the Hawley company's assistant customer service representative:



(too good to be true? PERHAPS! )

Now that you've whetted your blog-e-tite with that tasty viral morsel, please peruse this transcript of a conversation between inside sales savant Pastor Troy and a fictional shop owner. The Hawley Company's motto is "Trust No One!" and we are never scared to put it to the test! Periodically, inside sales is given dummy callers (former CIA interrogators) to test their quick thinking and abiliiy to adapt to high pressure situations.

Troy: Hawley Company, this is Troy!

Cpt. Bijou Hamhock: Yeah hey, this is Captain Bijou Hamhock . I was calling about gettin' my boy enrolled in swimmin' lessons.

T: OK, what sort of stroke is he looking to learn?

CBH: I was thinkin' back stroke would be good for 'im. You can swim but you can also see what's behind you. You see what I'm sayin?

T: Yes, the backstroke is our best defensive stroke for 2008. Can I interest you in an offensive stroke like the eye jab stroke or perhaps some swimming caps? We have a price break if you order nine hundred irregularly sized swimming caps before 4 PM.

CBH :No thank you, we make our own caps.

T: All right then, I'll go ahead and get that order of swimming lessons mailed out. Can I do anything else for you?

CBH: My boy, Michael Jordan, is allergic to chlorine. Ya'll got any other options?

T: Well, we do have a creek water program. Basically, it entails us taking your son to the creek and throwing him in. It costs the same but doesn't include the complimentary hand towel. Also, the creek is only visible to warlocks so that means we hire a warlock to guide us to the creek and then we usually have to feed the warlock and entertain him so he doesn't turn us into a tree or something. Kind of a hassle if you get my drift!

CBH: My grand daddy was half warlock! You have offended me so I will bid you good day!

T: Thanks for calling!

And last but certainly not least in this triple play post, we finally got in the Eleven 81 water bottle cage bolts! OK, pick yourself up off the floor, put on some pants, wipe the banana cream pie off your face, pick up a phone, call your dealer, then call your local bike shop and order these before they're alllllll gone!

That's All, HOAX! Yours Truly, Dave Whackker

Well, less hoax, than prank, but it makes for a better rhyme (stank? skank? blood bank? fish tank?). Anyhoo, taking advantage of Teenwolf's notoriously short temper, the Blog and a few higher-ups gave the green light on a bit of lighthearted fun. First, you create a potential bike shop owner. Then you create a fake bike shop in Boston. Then you create a fake email. The you email Teenwolf and question his professionalism while making fun of his "Daily Special" write-ups. Then you sit back and watch Teenwolf rant to us while keeping his cool, gently assuaging the belligerent nutcase who has a bone to pick. Then you mail a letter from Boston to put the cherry on top of the prank Sundae. Good times. Teenwolf is a good sport and allowed the blog to take him to lunch where we dined on five dollar footlongs and buried the metaphorical hatchet. Teenwolf's wedding is in 7 months, plenty of time to plan for some more hijinks. Android bride anybody???

Holy Sweet Potato Pie

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Buy These Gloves Or Sandy Will Destroy Me

Sandy commutes into work last Thursday...
Seriously, all kidding aside, Sandy has a temper like a drunk, Egyptian pharaoh. Prone to unreasonable demands and the occasional sarcophagus crammed with gold statues and mummified vendors, she rages against the Blog on an hourly basis, hurling insults at me like a hobo hurls baked bean tins at an open fire while on an ether binge. The Blog has taken to wearing turtlenecks around the office to hide the bruises from Sandy's daily throttling, its neck sore from the Homer Simpson-esque abuse as Sandy demands I fetch her a de-caf frappacino and the lastest issue of Conde Nast. How will the Blog's suffering be alleviated? Noose? Carbon monoxide party in my garage? No, sadly, the only way out is for these TSG gloves to leave our warehouse post-haste!!! End my suffering.

"Et Tu, Jose?": Things to Do in Columbia When You're Chloroformed

At the risk of sounding bitter, as soon as Jose opened up his box of brand new American Classic 29er wheels, we became enemies. The man who claimed to be my friend, my amigo, my Spanish obscenity tutor, stabbed the Blog in the back as he was first to score the mad-fresh AC's. Crimony! That means the blog either gets the inferior (in color only) white pair or waits to build up some funky fresh wheels with some Cane Creek rims and Industry Nine (new vendor for us in 2009) hubs. Nevertheless, as soon as I remove the scimitar Jose thrust between my fourth and fifth vertebrae, I shall have my revenge. Oh yes, there wheel be blood. But not blood, just gloating and childish behavior. To be honest, Jose was quite demur, barely showing a smile as he unwrapped his new babies. According to a few witnesses, he did let out an exuberant yelp after the crowds cleared but that's to be expected from a man known for having the discretion of an 18th century courtesan. In conclusion, after I figure out where to buy chloroform, I expect we won't be seeing Jose or his wheels for a wheel long time. By the way Dave, can I borrow your van this weekend? Just send me a text... and ix-nay on the idnapping-kay! (Wink)

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

Belongs to Brittany (quality control)! Technically, this bike was driven in but it shall be used for commuting in the near future. Andy insisted on switching out the headset. Ugh, the guy tries the Blog's patience...

THE LIGHTEST OF THE LIGHT....

Great, now that I have all you weight-weenies looking, I'm not talking about shedding grams, I'm talkin' bout' sheddin some light. Now that the ashes from the first wave of nuclear attacks are blocking the sunlight, (just kidding Troy. It's just daylight savings time) we have to find time to get a good ride in. This often requires moving about in the dark. So after Justin Kline came from Princeton Tec and convinced us that they had finally reproduced alien technology that gives you night vision, I was even more inspired to go out and hunt for more scary stuff like all of those strange children lurking around the kids Edventure museum. Some of them didn't show up in the photographs, but here are a few that I was able to capture with a hand full of cat food and a fishing net:


This creature that I nicknamed "Widdle Bear" ended up coming back to my house and living with me for a few days. After I found him in the closet roasting the neighbor's dog over a fire made of my Dirt Rag collection, I had to let him go. It was a teary eyed goodbye, but he knew his life was out here, eating handfuls of that swirly foam that forms right below the dam on the Saluda River. Poor Widdle Guy.

I didnt take such a liking to this kid. This is him right after he stole my camera and made this creepy video in the bathroom in Riverwalk Park. I wont go into detail, but he kept talking about how he was twice my age and If I was ever looking for the rarest of the rare Pokemon cards, he new a guy. He also had a floppy disc, that he claimed, had all of the passwords to hack into Area 51's website. It's a shame I don't have a floppy drive, I would love to see what they have in that place....

He dropped a Polaroid of this strange system. I assumed it was a light and acquired one from the back room at a gun and knife show in Red Bank. I was amazed at how bright it was. In fact, If I focused on any object longer than 2 or 3 seconds, it burst into flames! This little guy has a battery pack that can mount on the frame or the cable is long enough to wear it in the back pocket of your jersey or flack jacket in my case. Four light settings allow 1, 3, 5, or all 8 LEDs to burn with around 160 hours on 8 AA batteries. The cool part is that you can run only 4 batteries and the regulator in the light will give off the same light intensity but for half of the duration. It's even waterproof! You can bet that the next time I go screaming down the riverwalk and those little children of the night come out, they'll be so scared that they will look like this guy...........

Why Didn't Somebody Tell Me???

It appears the better half of the Super-Terrific Storck Tactical Marketing Duo spells her name with TWO T's!!! Drat! Now the blog feels like an idiot! "She's borrowed a dollar, but she's stolen the accounting department's heart!"
We'd also like to send a shout-out to our lone reader in Norway! I assume the brutal pre-winter weather has you in its remorseless, icy grasp as you're well on your way to an alcohol-soaked bout of depression in the bleak wasteland of Scandinavian oblivion, holed up in a wretched, moss-covered shack in the middle of a fjord with your pet caribou Olle who has made his amorous intentions MORE than clear to you on several occasions during the night...but cheer up! There's a new episode of "Fringe" on FOX tonight! By the way, if our lone Norwegian reader is Gunn-Rita Dahle Flesja, then the Blog thinks your name is too long. Try using a nickname, like Piper or Chi-Chi Flesja! Doesn't that sound better? Of course not, but it's easier to spell.

That's Racertainment! Reflections on Sunday's Race and Scurvy

Sunday was race day at Harbison State Forest. The Hawley Company managed to field two riders in the Sport class: Teenwolf and Will. Those of us not racing had excellent excuses. The blog was suffering from a sore eyelid after a night of unfettered blinking. Jose was hobbled by a severe case of scurvy while Kyle said his breakfast had been poisoned by ghosts, from the future. In any case Hawley/Team Hoffenchard was represented and that was all that mattered. Writing up an XC race is a fruitless endeavor so I'll cut to the chase and say that Will gapped the field 5 minutes in and won by about 4 minutes on his rigid Voodoo. Teenwolf popped early and struggled to a third place. However it matters not as the blog was smart and bet against him! Sadly, Jose passed away later that afternoon. Together, we can beat scurvy in 2009...

Will rolls through the start area, blissfully unaware of Jose's impending death
Teenwolf blasts through a creek crossing. Now that's some brackish goodness!
Will stares down the camera at the Midland's Mountain climb, blissfully unaware that he has contracted full-blown scurvy!!!

Rebecca from Cycle Center tells Will "I don't understand, your scurvy levels are through the roof! How are you still standing?" To which Will replies "I'm half pirate, scurvy is in my blood, so to speak. Hmmmmmm???"Tim Malson, co-owner of Summit Cycles barely survives the creek crossing on his 70 year old Diamondback 29er.
Toby Porter, Harrell's flunky, spends some quality time in the rear of the Expert field. Whoa, that sounded bad!
Brian Curran, owner of Outspokin' rocks the Euro style shin warmers. Punk rock!
Damon catches his breath on a flat section. Lord knows what he'll do when he has to actually exert himself.

An Anatolian Shepherd says "cycling bores me to no end!" Shut up, you talking dog!Hands down, the best grimace/pain face/sneer of contempt/I'm pretty sure I installed my saddle and seatpost upside down/ seen all day!!!!
In the future, we shall ride bikes like this one and eat our meals in pill form.