Sunday was the inaugural (I would assume so) running of the Vista Grand Prix in the affluent and overly gentrified Vista neighborhood in Columbia. Hawley cohorts Teenwolf, Kyle and Will decided to put their money where their collective mouth is and sign up for the always exciting and always sketchy Cat 5 race. Teenwolf was on his Storck while Kyle rode a company loaner (it's for sale too!). Will went "all Belgian on us" and brought his Van Dessel cross bike. As far as the race was concerned, very little happened. A few sandbaggers ended up stomping the finish sprint. Teenwolf finished 8th while Will nipped a resurgent Kyle at the line. Most importantly, inside sales' resident nonagenarian (to the millionth power) Brantley showed up with his wife and daughter in tow! The old geezer reminisced about the glory days, and his disputed chariot race loss to Diomedes at the funeral games of Patroclus. "You shoulda seen me! I was a full length ahead of Diomedes with 20 yards to go when that whipper snapper threw sand in my trusty steed's eye, causing my chariot to veer off course, costing me the race! You want some of these pickled prunes? They keep the Tourette's at bay!" After a few more interminable anecdotes, including a prurient encounter with Toulouse-Lautrec at a Parisian absinthe parlor, we bid Brantley and the Vista Grand Prix adieu and returned to our homes to watch football and eat things of a fried variety...

Will rounds a turn while simultaneously getting awesome...
Mustache:1, weird Spanish dudes: zero...
"I made poop in my bibs... TWICE!!!"
Young master Kyle's loaner....
Oh my God, that pink frisbee is freakin' awesome!!!

"Interbike Is Not an Option... Plebians!"

The Interbike winds are blowing the Hawley crew to Las Vegas next week. Well, some of the crew as those of us in the trenches are left behind to fend for ourselves: cold, tired, naked..alone! But are we really alone? The simple answer is of "course not". The complicated yet duplicitous answer is "they have abandoned us, wholeheartedly and with extreme prejudice!". While they're lounging around the pool sipping colorful drinks and handling the latest in titanium this and carbon-fiber that, we'll be here knee deep in alloy kickstands and 24 inch Schrader valve tubes, feverishly prepping ourselves for the upcoming 2009 catalog tsunami with morning calisthenics, copious amounts of ole timey nerve tonic and fiery sermons demonizing the lazy and slothful. But we're not complaining. Sure, by the time our Interbike brethren return, the office will resemble a grotesque melange of "The Road Warrior" and "Lord of the Flies" (with a little bit of this thrown in), but hopefully the excitement of new vendors for 2009 and loads of free bike schwag will distract from the blood splattered walls, charred cubicles and crossbow arrow-laden sales department corpses strewn about the place as makeshift tombstones in the warehouse expansion construction site read "They died not in vain, but defending the freedom of the graphics department to eat freely from the accounting department candy dish".

As a piece offering to my mountain biking brethren, a sneak peek at some of Gaerne's new mtb shoes for 2009. Hot corn!!

Surprise! It's a Bike Race!

Teenwolf mentioned something about a bike race this morning. Well, the race wasn't this morning, but his mentioning of the race was. Where was I? Oh yes, so it seems the powers that be have decided to "throw" a crit this Sunday in downtown Columbia (the glorious Vista neighborhood to be precise). It's got the usually categories, payouts, etc. If you're keen on throwing down on the asphalt, you can visit bike-reg.com and make with the registering. I could care less but this is a thrown-bone to our road racing contingent lurking around the cubicles. Toodles

The Sockguy bomb dropped at Hawley last week. Reminiscent of those grainy test footage films from Los Alamos showing a giant mushroom cloud and a white washed building being flattened in super-slow motion as a slack-jawed Army private gives a thumbs up, the Sockguy explosion left the entire receiving department flattened in addition to its hapless purchaser/Oppenheimer surrogate, Sandy! After the wreckage was cleared, bodies buried, next of kin notified and socks sealed in plastic baggies, it was back to the business of the day, tickle party at Brantley's cubicle! Once the bi-weekly tickle party "wrapped up" (well, ended on its own volition) and Brantley was changed and bathed for his mid-afternoon nap, we got back to Sockguy. I'm literally hemmorhaging socks right now so I can only show a few of the "louder" designs brought in for '09. Crank up the David Bowie and proclaim your androgyny!


Like Pegasus taking flight from a slain Medusa, the Sockguy Pig soars to new heights of mind-boggling tackiness. A genocide of color and design, function and form, Sockguy has taken a hackneyed idiom and turned it on its head! "I'll wear those ugly freakin' socks... when pigs fly! Oh wait. Shazbot! I'll take 15 pairs."

Do you like pink? Are you flaming? Is your name Tony Zanca? Might we recommend...

These argyles are "cycling socks", but made for business as well as casual (you know, just lying around on your bearkin rug, sipping some Zinfandel listening to some light jazz). Heck, you can probably wear them to church next week as you and the pastor of your choice (choose wisely) do gold sprints in the pulpit as the congregation showers you with PBR and the occasional word of encouragement...

Special thanks to the Gap Band for inspiring this blog post... for inspiring every post

Things you need to know about Chuck Norris

Only $9.99 at Khols...

1. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice
3. Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person
4. Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages, he leaves warnings
5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
6. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
7. Chuck Norris can split the atom with his bare hands
8. Chuck Norris doesn't use scuba diving equipment, he just holds his breath
   

El Hefe: Insane in the BRAIN; The Search for SPOK-- Most Convoluted Blog Post Title... Ever

Saints be praised! El Hefe made Bicycle Retailer Magazine (THE periodical for bicycle retailers, way better than "Magazine Retailers on Bicycles") an offer they couldn't refuse a la Don Corleone and that loudmouth Hollywood producer and was given a little bit of print space and some free publicity. Don't fret gentle reader, no horses were decapitated! Back to the matter at hand, El Hefe and his ambitious 50th birthday commuting plan is laid bare for the prying eyes of the unwashed riff-raff, uh, we mean "literate public". News to the blog was El Hefe's wish that on his 50th commute into work he be accompanied by 50 employees! Great googily moogily! Can you imagine that motley phalanx rumbling down the road on every conceivable bike brand and model? If we get fifty riders together, the blog will do it completely nude, naked as a newborn baby. I have nothing to hide! Nothing I tell you! If my shamelessness DOES offend some of our more effete commuters, then I shall gird my loins in commuter lights and allow the 1/2 watt illuminations to conceal my shame! Wait, wait, wait... disregard that idea, for the time being. Speaking of El Hefe and all things commuting, thought I'd remind you of a few of our tailights. The days have started getting shorter so make sure "you got that rear end all lit up and stuff"!

Hands down the blog's favorite light for this year is Planet Bike's SPOK! It's a surprisingly bright 2.0 LED light that uses a velcro strap and also has a keychain hole. Use the penny to gauge its size and amaze yourself! Most importantly, the velcro works on fingers as well as the more traditional handlebar and seatpost. Perfect for your post-work rave freak-out sessions. Get a job hippy!
If you need something beefier and "louder", might we recommend the SWERVE? Buy it because the white toggle switch makes the blog giggle, like a schoolgirl.

I know nothing about this Sigma light. It looks cool so that's good enough for our rigorous quality control. I see Sigma is using the K.I.T. hood light design for 2008. Kudos, kudos!

The Sun Sets On The Hawley Blog

Well youngsters, it seems like lightnin' has done struck twice. Seems Joshie done inspired yet 'nother blog post. As you may recall, he was in yet'terday's post 'bout Craft hoodies and the what not with their warmth, comfort and Euro-aesthetic chic. Today, after lunch at a rest'rant that will remain nameless cuz it done gave me the gassin' and all the other junk that stinks up the outhouse (my desk), Josh told me "Listen. Let's have a '5 mile radius' section on the blog. You take a pic'er of somethin' cool or funny or Nascar/State Fair/Boiled Peanut/Ozzy related and then post that there sucker on the blog just as pretty as you please!" I stared off in to the yonder and after a couple hours I looked at Josh and says, "Dang it, that's a pretty good idea! Pass me a 'nanner and turn up that C and C music fac'try tape cuz it's time to get our dance on!!!" After the dancin' and Gonna Make You Sweatin' wrapped up, we set about lookin' for something worthwhile in our vi-cin-i-ty! Well, we found us a lil' 4 x 4 action that set our off-roading hearts a flutterin'! Have a nice weekend ya'll! (cue Hee Haw end credits music free-for-all)

Growin' Up in Tha Craft Hoodie

The black Craft hoodie. Perfect for casual wear or for a hermetically sealed fortress of solitude amidst a sea of office knuckleheads:

Ninja... American Ninja

Anybody Got a Good Commuter Mix For My Ride Home? Seriously.

You know the blog is running on fumes when it's about the freaking weather:

Today it rained. The blog was completely miserable riding into work as the previous day's downpours had washed all particulate matter into the bike lanes. Not that the blog cared, but the tiny silicate mixed with asphalt and beer bottle glass particles clogging said lanes eventually navigated their way from legs and ankles through the tops of socks and into shoes. These then began to rub against feet creating a highly unpleasant feeling by mile 13. The chafing! Oh Lord, the chafing.. the chafing (alternate ending to "Heart of Darkness" that was dropped by Joseph Conrad after cooler editing heads prevailed). Fortunately, the rain let up and spirits brightened as the blog survived one of the fouler days for this summer's commuting. This blog was supposed to have a constructive nugget somewhere but alas, it can only be used as a platform from which to gloat and bathe in the fleeting superiority (if only for a day) that I was the only soul brave (sic. stupid) enough to ride in this morning. COMMUTER KING FOR A DAY! In lesser news, L. Armstrong announced a comeback of sorts to professional racing as did Floyd Landis. Yawn (Sorry to steal your bit Eric)...

Eurobike Espionage Featuring Dave and George

Dateline, Eurobike, Germany, 1:36 AM
(RING! RING!)

Dave Carson: Hi Guy!

Shadowy Espionage German Dude: TO WHOM AM I SPEAKING VIT?

Dave: This is Dave Carson from the Hawley Company!

Shadowy Espionage German Dude: Excellent! Do you have zee package?

Dave: Sure thing guy!

Shadowy Espionage German Dude: Vell, YOU KNOW VAT TO DO WITH EET???

Dave: Yeah guy!

Shadowy Espionage German Dude: Your confidence is at once reassuring and disconcerting! Cease vit your mockery!!!

Dave: OK guy!

Shadowy Espionage German Dude: Quit calling me GUY!

Dave: Sure thing guy!

Shadowy Espionage German Dude: You are far more unstable zan our dossier had implied, but your expertise in zepellin technology and exploseeevs makes you our only viable choice. Meet your contact outside zeee zepellin museum tomorrow afternoon. He vill be... incognito. Your payment will be forwarded to the usual Swiss bank account. Zat is all!!!

Dave: Bye guy! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Furious George Faulkner provided me some random shots of Eurobike from his I-Phone. Lots of weird Sella Italia concept saddles and some weird Germans too.
Wipperfolk from Wipperman!
Germans play dress-up! (unsuccessfully)


bamboo saddle!

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

...belongs to "Gentleman" Jim Snyder. Jim has had two other commuters listed on the blog so hopefully with this third installment, Jim will stop pestering me with an endless list of demands such as "Why am I not on the blog? Put me on the blog!", "The blog would be better if it included a color-coded list of my likes and dislikes pertaining to scented bath oils and soaps", "Show more Jim and how he talks about himself in the third person. Jim is displeased with you", etc, etc. Back to the bike at hand, Jim offers up his Jamis Komodo. It's a 1999 frame so it'll be celebrating its 10th anniversary in the near future. We're throwing it a party with balloons and soda pop. No invite necessary, just show up at Jim's house next Sunday around 3:00 AM. The lights won't be on because it's a SURPRISE party! You'll have to jimmy the door open and disable the alarm (the code is [late edit]). Help yourself to the contents of the fridge and try not to flush the toilet as the Snyders are big-time water conservationists. In fact, if you need to go, just use the fire place. Jim does it all the time...


Disconcerting saddle height. Jim was born without a torso, just legs attached to shoulders and a neck

The vintage cockpit

Cyclist Attacked By Automobile

Yet another cyclist has been hit by a motorist in Columbia. The latest accident happened last night only a few blocks from several Hawley employees' abodes. What's the deal with the drivers in this town? You don't here about these shenanigans in Red Bank or Elgin??? Of special note, several reader comments from one of the local news channel's message board. I could go on a obscenity-laden rant, but I'll let you do that on your own:

11 POUND BIKE AND LAVENDER OURY IN THE HOUSE

Hey ya'll. Freak 'dis. All sorts of strange, interesting stuff wandering through the office this morning. We have a Storck built up for Interbike. It's pretty darn light with all sorts of bobbles and trinkets designed to shave weight while increase performance, much like those rubber suits wrestlers used to wear...that I STILL wear (because I wet the bed). We also have lavender OURY grips on their way here. Sandy "The Original Schnauzer Browser" Emmanuel brought these puppies in after much deliberation. Colorful bike parts are the new black for the latter part of 2K8.

Late edit: The color is "lilac", not "lavender"

"Handbook For Touring Bicyclists" by Frosty Wooldridge

Oh Frosty, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Ah! Hello gentle blog reader! Did you have a relaxing Labor Day holiday? Horseback steeplechase followed by beluga caviar and absinthe cocktails? Yes? It is good to see we have similar "interests". In addition to my various recreational activities, I was able to catch up on some much needed reading. This past weekend's fare was the inimitable Frosty Wooldridge's "Handbook For Touring Bicyclists". If the cover of a mustachioed Lothario in chef hat and women's cut spandex shorts was any indication of this book's value, then I had stumbled upon a potential treasure trove. "Handbook" is a comprehensive A to Z guide for preparing meals while bicycle touring, but written with a rapier sharp wit and sense of humor comparable to a youthful Rich Little or Ray Stevens. It is divided into three parts: "Touring Tips", "Food On Tour" and the always enthralling "Appendices".
In "Touring Tips", Frosty provides the hapless reader with a VAST panoply of different packing lists for different touring agendas. As expected, the always trusty cook stove, fuel and mess kit are dutifully included. However, the wily Frosty throws us a few curveballs with eyebrow raising suggestions like petroleum jelly, frisbee(s) and analog tape recorder (yes, these are actual thing to pack). Oh Frosty, you think of everything... and nothing!
After you've machete-ed your way through the veritable jungle of worthless knowledge in Part One, it's on to Part Two, "Food On Tour". This section is comprised of different recipes that will dumbfound and stupefy even the most experienced bicycle tourer. A "succinct shopping list" includes 65 food items and ingredients you'll need to stuff into your two rear panniers. You'll also need a doctorate in quantum physics as you alter time and space to accommodate your pallet-load of food. But not to worry, a couple Burley Flatbeds (ordered from your favorite Hawley supplied dealer) should accommodate the extra zucchinis, pilaf and falafel mix. All aboard for deliciousness! My favorite recipe is "Sally's Saddle Sore" Tortillas. It's a basic burrito but with a twist: cumin! In addition to the cumin, the recipe's namesake is actually an infected boil on your butt. Appetite suppression? I think not! I tried this recipe last night and the results were explosive.
Part Three is the appendix, or "Appendices". People who use appendices should be shot... with a harpoon gun... on their birthday. But I digress. The appendix is loaded with useful addresses and contact info for companies related to bicycle touring. Unfortunately, since this book's publishing in 1978, most of the companies listed are out of business. Their founders are either dead or ruined, alcoholic shells of their former selves, dreading the inherent misery each new day brings. In conclusion, "Handbook For Touring Bicyclists" is a delightful, lusty romp for readers young and old, alive and dead!


If you've followed all of Frosty's advice, you'll be in the mood for taking your own life. Frosty shows you how!!!

Grizzlies, the blood-thirsty comedians of the great outdoors.
A feverish and disoriented bicycle tourer consumes a rat as he begins his spiritual Vision Quest. This is known as pulling a "Jim Snyder"...

EP-No!

Contrary to popular belief, EP-No is NOT what you hear when you call Vanilla Cycles and ask about getting a price reduction on a custom tandem cross bike. EP-No is what you hear when you ask Jim Snyder "Hey man, what blood booster can I take in pill form that will get my engine ready for cross season?" EP-NO takes your red blood cells and hemoglobin and supercharges it with good ole fashioned "can do spirit". That "can do spirit" contains Iron and B12, two important foot soldiers in the war against pseudoanemia and full-on anemia. Pros use this stuff because when it comes to a bike race. the only thing between them and a podium spot is precious, delicious, iron-rich blood. Will "Big Willy Style" Gilette has been taking EP-No religiously and is without a doubt the strongest rider at Hawley crushing those of us not in the EP-Know. Will has also become impervious to fire and has stopped aging because of EP-No.