Wood You Or Wouldn't You?

It's a dismal Friday good blog readers and that means it's time to mail yet another blog post in. As you can plainly see, the blog has been busy with its "other" duties this week. For example, a sampling of El Hefe's screaming through his megaphone of encouragement Tuesday morning: "Those dairy cows won't milk themselves Bloggy! And where's my cucumber salad on whole wheat bagel??? By the way, I'm going to need the warehouse moved 3 feet to the right. You have thirty minutes!... Have you written my Tony Awards acceptance speech yet? Remember, the first paragraph must contain an acrostic describing my good looks and charm! Where are my wading boots Bloggy!!!" But after those duties are completed with the alacrity and dedication befitting a blog, it is always a welcome treat to come back to the cold embrace of my anonymous, faceless internet readers, IP addresses drifting in an endless void, skimming these words only to get to the underwhelming visuals. Do not fret or mistake my candor for bitterness! The blog has subscribed to USA Today for 13 years for the full color weather map, discarding the rest of the newspaper like the entrails of a freshly cleaned pheasant. That reminds me, I have pheasant and poached eggs to prepare for El Hefe's mid-afternoon repast! Heavens to murgatroid, it never ends, does it? But on to the goodies as they say in the CVS candy aisle:

Behold! The Velocity Deep V TEAK rim in all its faux wood glory!!!

Behold! An "economical" track wheel with machined sidewalls for the talentless masses! In red no less! Beat that! (!)
Behold! The same freakin' wheel in Gold/Copper/Bronze! Gold has never looked so cheap (in price, not quality, er... well)



Oh yeah, just in case you were wondering what Troy (sales) and Hollywood (Storck Pretty Boy) do to "unwind" after a long day of servicing the bike industry, video proof provided by Britney.

Race Announcement!

Theres gonna be a mtb/cross race this weekend in the heart of the check cashing/pay day lender district in Columbia at Harbison State Forest! Get your race on you racist pig!

From the looks of the "course map", it'll be fast with a couple short climbs. Are you ready to dominate? The blog thinks you're not ready....
Might we suggest this..

Elect-tile Dysfunction? ALSO, We Have a Bike Builder In Our Midst

Now that the election is over, except in Missouri (are they still counting?), Minnesota (Franken v. Coleman), Georgia (Chambliss v. Martin) and Alaska (Stevens v. Begich; how can Alaskans vote for a convicted felon?), you're wondering to yourself how the country really voted. While the traditional color-coded map is easy to read and reveals a pleasant looking sailboat when stared at for 60 seconds, a Michigan physics professor (sic. friendless shut-in) created some alternate maps that reflect other aspects of voting besides pure geography. Acquaint thyself with this idiot-proof tutorial from the good eggheads at NPR: Animated Maps With Talking and Some Good Natured Beat-Boxing

Justin (shipping, philatelist) brought in one of his new creations this morning. It's a pure racing bike with super-casual geometry and a one-off wheelset. The frame is made wax. Everything else on the bike is also made of wax. The cranks are super-stiff and the shorter chain stays make for punchier accelerations compared to his earlier bikes. Because this bike is made of wax, and approximately 3 centimeters in length, we recommend it for crits, climbs and shorter rides.

Alternative Forms of Energy Other Than The Chili Dog Shack

Wellity wellity wellity! It seems another Hawley vendor has put its alternative energy money where its alternative energy mouth is and installed approximately a googolplex of solar panels on their roof. Tired of waiting 3 minutes for your savory Hot Pocket to cook in the microwave? How about 2 minutes, 45 seconds chump! Get out of the stone age you visigothian dunderheads and embrace the Helio-centric lifestyle!!!

(late edit. Turns out everybody already knew of this. What the dilly people? Can't somebody toss the blog a bone once in a while?)

Thomson Sneak Peek

Dave Thomson, of Thomson- well, not sure his last name is Thomson, but one can assume that Thomson works like The Ramones: when one joins the group, your last name is replaced by the band/company moniker... you also share precious body fluids with the hive-mother, similar to The Ramones and Thomson. Anyway, Dave sent Jim (purchasing, voted least likely to become a hive mother) a prototype of their new fangled seat post collar. If you're not into Thomson or seat post collars, then you're probably in mid-yawn. However, if you're into Thomson and/or seat post collars, then you've probably perked up. Jim told me some interesting tidbits but as usual when Jim started blabbin' away about machined-this and diameter-that, it turned into "meow meow meow meow meow meow". Feast your eyes heathens!!!

"Groove is in the Heart" (with apologies to Dee Lite): Colin's New Bike, Trail Tough... Apocalypse Ready

Colin (inside sales) trashed his old and beloved Specialized so he turned his post-apocalyptic attention to a new Soma Groove. Although it confounds the blog to see Colin insisting on another 26 inch bike build, it is equally reassuring to see Colin's love of "you can never have enough" continue with his part selection. Colin is also fond of saying "You can never love enough" which is usually accompanied by his traditional post-lunch man hug session as we listen to Chicago albums. They're intense, but I highly recommend it if you want to "feel the love", the love of Colin. Back to the build! According to Colin, i.e., from his keyboard to your eyeballs:
"SOMA GROOVE 19" SKY BLUE (That's what you'll be staring at after I flick
you, with my extra long middle finger with two extra joints, in the
Adam's Apple as I pass.)
Truvativ Holzfeller 680 30mm rise bar, Team stem and seatpost
Stylo ss cranks and a box guide (ultralight setup)
MAXXIS MINION DHR and DHF with Kenda Downhill tubes (to save weight).
Hayes 8" Mechanical brakes and SD-7 levers (for lockin' em up and doing
skid turns)
The KMC KOOOOOL chain (the source of all of my skills)
1181 Pedals and saddle (like sitting on a soft moss covered tuffet)
Jagwire ripcord cable set (worth every penny)

If this bike was a person, it would be Jacky Chan because he gets no
respect but is pretty much Chuck Norris's only fear. He is a trained
Opera singer and has a hole in his head....just like this frame!!"

Part 2 of Today's Post

The blog just blew its own mind. Seriously. This is supposed to be part 2, but as you can plainly see, this is actually the first post in the series. How can this be? The post title never lies. It is incapable of lying. The blog sees another week of sleepless nights ahead of it. Fiddlesticks! But to the matter at hand, when you work at a place that sells 19,000,000 pairs of arm warmers a year, it can be quite the undertaking to GIVE AWAY a pair of arm warmers. Everybody says the same thing "I have like, 15 pairs dude. I don't need anymore" So the blog's pleas fell on deaf ears. On to plan B: concoct a fake note, similar to those written by semi-literate immigrant mothers and fathers abandoning their baby at the doorstep of a convent (a tip of the hat to Mom and Dad). With that in mind, the blog put sharpie to scrap paper and set "Operation: Get Rid of Arm Warmers" in motion. Sadly, no one took the bait. So it was on to plan C: dump them in the warehouse and let the chips fall where they may. Well, the chips fell and after the dust settled, Justin was the lucky winner. Justin said, "This is the only piece of warm clothing I have to ride in!" Hmmm Mr. Justin. You revealed a little too much information to the blog. The wheels are now in motion for "Operation: Winter Clothing Drive For Justin"!

(edit. Pace Arm Warmers are well made and very economical. Unfortunately they don't fit those of us with skinny, mantis-like arms)

Part 1 of Today's Post

This has nothing to do with cycling or Hawley, but as we trudge into the mire and stink of the 2009 catalog "construction", it's good to have something light-hearted and groin-wrenchingly cuddly to watch:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Are You Experiencing Great Pain?

Please, rub this all over your body:

Planning to cook and then eat yourself? Rub this on your body:Don't ask questions, just do it!!!

In Memorium

December 10th, 1995. Do you remember what you were doing when you heard the news? I was in the car with my older sister driving to a movie theater showing the latest subversive fare from film avant-gardist James Cameron. The radio was on. That's when we heard the news flash and my sister and I wept uncontrollably for several minutes.
Darren "The Human Beatbox" Robinson had died of a massive heart attack. Buffy (as he was known to the rap community) was ahead of his time, pushing the limits of beat boxing as a viable commercial art form. He was also morbidly obese. In fact, his second group after the Fat Boys, The Obese Boys eventually disbanded as club owners refused to "cater" to their pre-concert culinary demands. This post is not to make light of Buffy's untimely demise or denigrate the Fat Boys contribution to popular music and not-so-popular cinema (seriously, I know "Disorderlies" is unwatchable, you know it, we all know it so let's move on) but to serve as a warning to those of us susceptible to the winter weight that shows up unexpectedly after the close of the summer season. But how does one counter this? The obvious solution is to eat healthy and ride your bike. Unfortunately, the "eat healthy" portion of the solution is a deal breaker. Seriously, we have a chili dog shanty next door to us whose prices are on par with UN Food for Africa rates (about 10 cents per 30 pounds of food) so the only viable solution is to ride. Unfortunately for us "southern boys", anything below 60 degrees is considered life-threatening. That means it's time to turn on the TV/I-Pod/Victrola, lower the blinds and hop on the trainer. Might I suggest one of the following:


The CycleOps Magneto! Put simply, this trainer contains two powerful magnets. One dispenses chocolate ice cream, the other vanilla. Once you're done pedaling, you have a bowl of swirly ice cream goodness waiting for you. But don't eat it. It's not really ice cream. It's ground hobo. The Pink Road Machine trainer donates money to the Susan G. Komen Race For the Cure Foundation. This a welcome change from Kinetic's O.J. Simpson Legal Defense Fund trainer from last year, which also donated money to the Susan G. Komen Race For the Cure Foundation, but suffered from sluggish sales.


The Rack is used to dismember adults as well as children by segmenting them at their legs and arms. Look for Minoura's version in early 2009. 100 percent of the sales for "The Rack" go to the Jessica Simpson Defense Fund .

"You Wouldn't Give a Crippled Crab a Crutch!!!"

The blog had some good stuff planned for today but because of a little too much caffeine and an overactive "delete" button finger, those plans were put on hold. Seriously, it was gonna be a post about "The Most Horrible Thing Ever" and our new line of Garmin GPS toys in a desperate attempt to tie in a local mountain bike happening with a new vendor. Isn't that what a blog's real purpose is supposed to be? Tie-ins and synergy, and brain-picking and touching base??? I don't have any answers to that line of questioning. But I DO know what happens when you're racing your Lego bikes at high speed without a helmet! By the way, if you're looking for state of the art cranial protection, look no further than Limar, constructed from a mixture of adamantium, carbon fiber and adobe stolen from our friends in the Southwest, these helmets will make you the envy on and off the basketball court, from the board room to the class room, from Hollywood to Dollywood to Bollywood, etc, etc (see how easy that is?)...

Happy Hawleyween!

Ahoy hoy blogareeno's! Well, the greatest day is upon us so that means a bunch of fools show up to work in company policy-defying attire. But before we get to the parade of idiocy, something scary. Seriously, what happened to her face?:
Kyle (graphic violence) represents "Illadelphia" style. Catalog layout will cost ya, body checks are free sucka!

"I NEED AN ADULT!!!!!!!!"
This happy little fellow and Mad Professor are caught in mid-coffeezation. I have a couple Mad Professor records at home. Quality stuff!
Spongebob Poo-Pants!!!
Best sneakers...ever
Troy Agassi keeps it real. Tennis anyone? Advantage... Whelan!
And the best costume for last. J-Town emerges, but who is he?
The mystery is solved as Rizzle inspects J-Town's loving homage to Rizzle's sense of style!

Rather than impugn the bathroom habits and sexuality of fellow coworkers today, the blog has decided to take a page from the "Book of Dicky" and talk about product(s). Well, less talk and more show, but we do live in a visual age. Why take up valuable time reading when you can use that same amount of time looking, staring, gazing, deconstructing the gaze, etc.

We got in a few "new" non-machined wall track rims from the miscreants at Velocity. Gold, pink, purple and silver for now with Teak (wood grain), argyle and Suits (hearts, clubs, diamonds, spades) coming soon. Can't wait for some enterprising young go-getter to buy some of these, build some wheels, shoot a video, make it into a DVD and then sell it for an Apu Nahasapeemapetilon styled mark-up:
I mentioned the new American Classic 29er wheels a couple posts ago. They're not the sexiest wheels out there, but for non-custom built wheels, they're quite trick. Sadly, you can't see how insanely light these puppies are. These are the pair Jose and I will fight over. Pay close attention to the red "mood spoke". It changes color based on the rider's mood and general sense of well-being:
The white set. Very funky looking in a 1987 kinda way. I dunno, what was big in 1987? "The Wraith" starring Charlie Sheen? Oh yeaaahhhhh:
Close up of the spokes. Reminiscent of those laser beams in movies about art gallery heists where the would-be thief has to avoid detection by running a gauntlet of security lasers. That movie was also called "The Wraith" and starred Charlie Sheen:

All those velocity rims reminded me of a pretty cool commercial from our friends at Hutchinson. The guy on the fixie rides around in NYC acting like an idiot but the lady on the Schwinn is somebody the blog would like to party with:



(EDIT. Oh yeah, he's riding a MASI, Eric Smith of Cane Creek, who wanted a Masi but now has to watch the hipster guy ride off of loading docks)

Welcome Back the Prodigal Son and Britney!

Fresh from the Storck Tour mystery machine, Andy and Britney came back to the mothership earlier this week. It has been a seamless transition for Britney as she has used her navigational and managerial skills learned from the thousand of miles logged in the van to assimilate to her new surroundings in the accounting office. The blog is already impressed with her attention to detail, heroic work ethic and basic social skills which have moved her beyond Teenwolf in the accounting social hierarchy, which is impressive as Teenwolf has been in accounting for 8 weeks and is still required to empty everybody's chamber pot each morning (it is indeed a most unsavory task). Britney on the other hand has been given tasks such as "free lunch taste tester" and "nap research". Now that's what I call a dynamo. Heed the blog, Britney is going places!


Andy on the other hand has found the transition to civilian life a difficult one. Accustomed to the barbarism he learned while on the road, he wears clothes made from newspaper, eats trash from the nearby construction site, urinates on his desk and others to mark his territory, speaks in mono-syllabic grunts, warns us of the "earth gods anger" when he hears the bulldozer outside and has taken to hunting the warehouse staff with a poorly fashioned bow and arrow on his lunch break. That being said, we have great hopes in rehabilitating Andy to an office environment!

Since we're giving office folk a hard time, let's move on to exhibit B. Actually, Gabe (inside sales) pointed out that he and pastor Troy (inside sales, body massage) were dressed alike! Stop! You had us at "dressed". It's tough working with two nudists, so when they decide to wear matching outfits, it's definitely a "stop the presses" kind of moment. Well, they actually prefer to be called naturalists, but as you can plainly see, there is nothing "natural" about Troy's stance. It literally screams "This is my mugshot. I committed a horrible crime 10 minutes ago but do you see me fretting?":

Get a load of Gabe! More proof The Hawley Company doesn't discriminate in its hiring practices!
"Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun!"... blah, blah, blah

Countdown to Halloween Part 6: Costume Fabrication

Only a few more days until Halloween. Do you have your costume picked out? The blog does. Take one Limar Aero helmet, one pair of forest green sunglasses from the Kanye Twitty collection, one pair of pink Defeet gloves, one set of leg warmers, full frontal nudity and Scotchlite commuter strips arranged upon the belly in a pattern resembling the severed head of a famous figure from history and you have a costume fit for a king. Don't forget to bring several hundred dollars in cash for bail. Remember, you've just exposed yourself! Happy Halloween... sicko!!!

A Big Shout-Out to Our Lone Reader in South Africa!

What's up folk? How is this Monday treatin' ya'll? Excuse me as slip into the local vernacular but I think it befits today's post. And by "befits", I mean "time to talk like how the blog really talks". Although that may mean loads of expletives, I shall (naw, how 'bout will?) remove them from the discourse and give you the straight dope, drop the science, OPEN YOUR MIND (a la Kuato from "Total Recall" with a tip of the cap to Colin) to what the blog is sayin'. What is the blog saying? Not very much as this Monday has been rather ho-hum. On a positive product note, Jose "Puerto Freakin' Rican" Texidor directed me towards the receiving department. Why you ask? Well, we got in our first order of 2009 American Classic wheels. While the road wheels don't do it for the blog, the 29er wheels are of a splacknasticus level of bling rarely seen on our aisles. Good gravy, now the blog just needs to save up his pennies and nickels and beat Jose to the purchase punch. Pictures to follow soon.



In other news, they had a ride Saturday benfitting victims of house fires and raising awareness for campus fire safety, partly inspired by the group of USC students who perished last year in a beach house fire. Good to see a charity ride instead of a run or walk as those tend to draw the riff-riff and neer do wells to our quiet city streets:

Love-Hate. And More Hate Relationship

Blogger's nerve center:
A thousand pardons gentle blog reader. Yesterday's unfortunate "freak-out" by the motley-minded skainsmates at "Blogger" (it would seem an expedited abjuration of their services would be in order) has lead the blog to humbly beseech your forgiveness this rain-sodden Friday! Is there any act of servitude the blog can perform to make this wrong a right? Perhaps the boiling of an egg for your mid-afternoon repast or the quashing of a peasant uprising that threatens your barley harvest? Later then, at a more convenient time, perhaps after Saturday's croquet tournament, where we do battle with our most hated rivals "The Chili Dog/Coffee Shack"? But to the matter at hand, because of Blogger's ineptitude, the blog was unable to share with you its latest watercolor renderings of the glorious Hawley expansion. With only pulley and ox cart, trowel and mud, chewing tobacco and remaining teeth, the laborers (numbering in the thousands, and from all parts of the globe, including the mysterious Orient!) have erected a structure that upon completion will be visible for thousands of miles. It shall be christened "The Reggie Ferguson Memorial Warehouse Expansion" in honor of the blog's third grade classmate who gave his life 47 years ago when the first mud bricks were laid for the warehouse expansion's foundation. Your death (comical as it was; Reggie was inside a porta-john relieving himself of a breakfast consisting of hogmaw omelets and rancid Yoohoo when he was accidentally locked inside. Needless to say, Reggie's attempt at "tunneling" out of the porta-john resulted in a most unsavory "drowning" and subsequent removal of the feculent corpse) dear, fallen friend shall not be in vain, for in this vast expanse we shall store bobbles and trinkets from far and wide the likes of which have not been seen by man or beast!

King Edward, ruler of the warehouse? Usurper of the throne? Vanquisher of sugary snack treats? You betta believe it!!!!
The existing warehouse, missing wall and new warehouse. Bringin' walls down people:
Look at Dave's helmet boxes stacked so precariously!
More boxes stacked and yet another missing wall shot:
Look at all that insulation!!!
Will and Brantley open the door to a new tomorrow:
The new loading bay with five new docks:
Voila!
First person to find The Hoff wins some cool swag (i.e. a horrible Vetta multi-tool and something from Sandy's desk (not Schnauzer related)!!!

Technical Difficulties

Blogger is having a hissy fit today so there will be no post. See Blogger? Two can play this game!!!