TGIF!

As we approach Valentine's Day, let's not forget the original language of love: semaphore. Forget the roses, forget the scented bath oils, forget the erotic cakes, forget the kidnapped string quartet playing at gunpoint under your wife's window as you pantomime the throat slitting motion every time they play a note out of tune. When it's time to express the inexpressible, do it with archaic flag communication. Semaphore, the new black for 2009.

In other random notes to end the week, Kenda was in the house yesterday. The Blog could only snag a shot of their super-custom van, complete with candy dispenser and playground-centric GPS. We hope Nick behaves himself as he travels this great land of ours!
(Riders are snatchin' up their tires!)

And finally, a word of caution (relating to the Soma Silver Bullet we got in stock a couple days ago). If you buy this:
Then watch this:
You become this:
("Toodles")

Industry Nien!

Well folks, we got our first shipment of Industry Nien hubs this morning. Handcrafted by Nien Nunb himself on his homeworld of Sallust, these hubs utilize an alien composite stripped from the hulking shipyards on Fondor mixed with souvenir scraps of adamantium from the original Death Star. Each hub is tested for strength and imbued with deadly radiation from the Millenium Falcon's hyperdrive. Combining the sleek engineering of Corellian technology with Old World Jedi charm, you'll the be "belle of the bell", whether you're shredding the gnar at Heartbreak Ridge or wowing your penniless Mandalorian bounty hunther chums with your new found intergalactic bling.

(One of the coolest autographed photos of ALL TIME!!!)

Oh yeah, we also got in our first shipment of Industry Nine hubs from the faraway, hippy-infested planet known as Asheville. They stink of jam band and liberal, self-righteous indignation! They are also the chronic, to quote the Bard. These won't last long so get them before Boba does!!!

(they double as salt and pepper shakers...from the future)

The Answer to "Mystery Part"!

The "mystery part" is HORN1036, the Sumo Wrestler from our mortal enemies at Co-Union! Thanks for playing. No Zaxby's for Jose!

Tuesday Afternoon Storck/Wrestling Rant

It almost slipped the Blog's mind this week, but in the nick of time it remembered that the Storck van (aka Mystery Machine) is sporting a fresh new look for its 2009 Tour, this year titled "S'Tourk 2009: The Year We Make Contact". As usual, Andy will be playing Roy Scheider to Brittany's John Lithgow as they travel the nation spreading the gospel of Storck and overpriced jeans. In addition to some new Thule roof racks to tote Andy's hair and body care products, the van is also sporting the Vanderkitten logo. Looks like their team will be astride Absolutists as they throw down the racing gauntlet. To put it bluntly, you're going down Colavita/Sutter Home, like Lex Luger after he tangled with a resplendent Ric Flair at Starcade 1988. Have we not learned anything from Lex Luger's hubris, his audacity as he dared to fly within the superheated wrestling corona that is Ric Flair? With The Nature Boy on the verge of defeat and wobbly from a Gorilla Press Slam, the modern day Icarus attempted a Torture Rack, pushing his body (specifically his knees) to the limit, buckling under the weight and allowing Flair to pin him. Zounds! But it is within this digression into wrestling lore that the Blog's underlying point is contained: Vanderkitten shall not only win the women's series but dominate with such Nature Boy-osity that UCI will give them a pro license thingy to race in the 2010 Vuelta and Giro. Take that Michael Ball!


The Vanderkitten logo! It is the spitting image of the Blog's cat Mimi. Where are our royalties?
Joshie's patience is tested. The anger is palpable!Andy laughs at Joshie's struggles. Then Joshie stuck the drill in Andy's head...

What Is It? Why Is It?

It's been a while since we've had a "mystery product" because of its high levels of unpopularity and the general bad taste it left in everyone's mouth. When given a choice between playing "mystery product" or bathing in a swarm of fire ants and broken glass, the latter was the resounding choice. "Uh yeah, I'll go ahead and die a horrible, painful death than play along with this stupid game" With that said, let's have a gander at our first mystery product! Please stifle your rage!

This product (or should I say "part") is lurking in the 2009 catalog, somewhere, I think. To be honest, there's no telling... The Blog will be impressed if anybody figures this one out. OK, prepare the fire ants.

Brooklyn Bike Lanes (The Biggie Smalls Memorial Expressway)

This is an old story but worth a read. Lots of different opinions in Brooklyn concerning the new bikes lanes: Brooklyn Bike Lanes (New York Times)

Dudikoff.

Brian showed me a pen yesterday that was sent by a promotions company. They make pens with your company's name, you hand the pens out or squirrel them away in your desk and exchange them for cigarettes and shivs in chow line. Then when the riot comes (and it always does), you have a weapon for protection and cigarettes for hostage negotiations or buying your own freedom. However, by trading your company pen for cigarettes and shivs, you lose the ability to perform emergency tracheotomies using the outer shell of the pen as a breathing tube.


All this talk of shivs, prison chow lines and emergency tracheotomies has reminded the Blog about yet another ninja-related ATM robbery:

Just another reminder that the current recession effects all professions, including feudal Japanese assassins. For more information about ninjas, please consult this valuable resource:
("Part 2:The Confrontation" has 80 percent more shuriken-related carnage than "American Ninja", thus its ascendency in the American Ninja hierarchy):


Will's Cole Shuriken-related carnage:

"What Is This? The Freakin' Sandy Show???"

Much to the Blog's chagrin, yet another vendor "shepherded" by Sandy has made its way into the hallowed Hawley Blog halls. More of a heads up than a teary-eyed "buy me now" plea of desperation, the Blog thought it would be good to inform the unwashed yet not-so-uncouth (but still unwashed and potential State Fair Gravitron operators ) masses about the new ODI Lock jaw clamps (for the Lock Jaw grips) Hawley will be offering for 2009. Sandy said, "They double as pirate earrings! Arrrr Kenny! Arrrr! Arrrrrrr!!! Where'd you hide all the boooty! ARRR! I'm cold and hungry" Then she turned into a ball of light-emitting energy and floated away.

Stupid Human Tricks

661 is a beloved vendor of the Hawley Company. Sandy (661 purchaser/Schnauzer browser) has a small reflecting pool in her cubicle shaped like the 661 logo full of belly-distended carp and pennies flicked from the fingers of outside reps buttressing their sales luck. It is said that the pool was constructed as a WPA project in the early 1940s long before 661 or Hawley existed. How can this be? That is not for you to ask insolent reader. Instead, feast your eyes upon the molecular mystery that is D30 (DEE-three-oh) technology. Simply put, super-intelligent molecules move with lightning quick reflexes, going from loose as a goose to tight and Betty White in nanoseconds. The D30 ectoplasm is soft and pliable in your hands, much like a baby's skull. However, when violently struck or when sensing itself in danger, D30 condenses into an impermeable, protective shield. Be warned, D30 is incapable of feeling human emotion, reciprocating love, lashing out in anger...

The 661 D30 Test kit, coming to a dealer near you via an outside sales rep not necessarily near you:
Orange goo? Check! Fischer Price mallet? Check!
Andy and Colin demonstrate the protective capabilities of D30. Andy refers to this as "The Cobra Strike":
Colin has second thoughts as the mallet rushes toward its target:
A perfect cobra strike!

Visual Proof...

... of snow in the dirty, dirty South. A freak flurry flustered fanatical fancy-folk to the point of outrageous behavior and unsavory thoughts. Hmmmm, candy corn WOULD be good for dinner tonight! The Blog offers this picture of snow flakes trying to mate with the Hawley sign:

The Hawley parking lot adrift in soft, white murderous snow. Gaze upon the deadliness....

Tuesday Morning Quickie

Forgot to mention this yesterday... JT (Jose Texidor, International Sales/Soup) gave me this photo of the new Shimano STI shifter from a bicycle in Brazil (or was it Cuba?). Anyhoo, we're way into the Readymade lifestyle and the Blog sees this as a possible catalyst for other projects that have been in the idea queue: Pixie stick wrapper cable housing, pine straw spokes, saddles made from grass clippings and the love of a good woman, etc.

Cyclocross Finale, With Pictures!

Saturday was cyclocross time in Charlotte. Hawley stooges Joshie, Will and Kyle showed up with racing on their minds and hillbilly music in their hearts. Jim Morrison from Cane Creek also threw is hat into the cross ring, but he is of little concern. Pictures of racing and crashing...

Pre-Monday Morning, Post-Sunday Yoga Class Listening

The Blog scoped this out on the BBC's Documentary Archive website. It's about bicycles and whatnot. Have a listen and keep your disdain for haughty British accents to a minimum. That is all: The Bicycle Diaries!

(A BBC listener? Tut tut!)

You Lose Some, You Lose Some

Colin's chance at arm wrestling redemption, please meet Paul Harrell and his leg-sized arm. We wish you the best of luck...
Speaking of eye-bulging intensity, please consider entering these races and intensify your own eye bulging. Make sure you say "Hello" to Hawley folk Kyle, Will and Joshie (making his 2009 racing debut) at Saturday's race. Autographs and moderately priced cider will be available at our kiosk

Aloha Friday! Part 1

Bilenky Junkyard Race. It don't get noooo better!

VIMBY - Bilenky Junk Yard Race

Legumes...

There are 2 uses for the Straitline Brake Lever Upgrade: Birkenstock horn and brake lever upgrade. There used to be three but after last year's "unpleasantness" ("Levergate" as reported by the local media), our lawyers advised us to narrow the usage parameters...

(Bronze Avid Juicy. Also available for Hayes, Shimano, blah blah blah)

This is unsettling. There are 12,874 uses for the common peanut. Here are 12 that piqued the Blog's interest:

1. Peanut Soap – Peanut oil is composed mostly of monounsaturated fat. Fat is one of the primary ingredients of soap. Soap fats are responsible for displacing dirt and germs from our bodies, given its thick and sticky base. Peanut oil, for that matter, is thick enough to be a good component of soap. You can make peanut soap by mixing the oil with water, coconut oil, and lye.
2. Biodiesel Fuel – Did you know that the diesel engine was originally created for peanut oil? The first engines created by inventor Rudolf Diesel ran on various vegetable oils. Today, using peanut oil to power diesel engines can be futile. You can instead use a large amount of concentrated peanut oil to power biodiesel motors. The use of biodiesel motors is slowly gaining fame, given the current fuel prices. You might as well make an engine switch, if you want travel cost-effectively.



3. Peanut Laxative – As a laxative, the peanut is not as potent as some of the other known medicenes but it is certainly more delicious than any of them. If you are constipated, you can just snack on a bag of peanuts while watching a movie or a prestigious sporting event. The oil of the nuts will eventually act up on your tummy, improving your bowel movement in the process.
   
4. Peanut Dye – Peanuts can never be used for producing colors like food coloring but its oil can act as the base of dyes. The slightly viscous and sticky fluid ensures that the color of dye will stick on many surfaces. If you are not satisfied with peanut oil as a base, you can just mix it with other ingredients to increase its viscosity.
5. Peanut Shampoo – You can make your own shampoo made of peanut oil and Castilla Soap. Just mix the two ingredients in a blender and add scent enhancing materials like lavender or rosemary oil.



6. Peanut Insecticide – For some reason, ants and some pests do not like peanut oil. Some manufacturers of insecticides, in fact, add the edible oil when creating their products. Its components is believed to be toxic to several household pests. In any case, you can just splash a good amount of peanut oil at an ant line and they will all drown upon making contact with the sticky fluid.
7. Peanut Explosive – Peanuts can be used as an ingredient for creating nitroglycerin. The acids that make up peanut oil can act as substitutes for some of the acids used in formulating nitroglycerin. As dangerous as the resulting solution may be, you cannot readily create peanut nitroglycerin, so don’t worry about your favorite snack exploding inside your tummy anytime soon.
8. Peanut Axle Grease – At first, using peanut oil to create grease may sound silly. Grease is simply too viscous to be made from a relatively thin solution like peanut oil. Now, if you combine peanut oil with rosin oil and lime solution, you might be surprised with the result. You can start applying the resulting mixture on the axles of your automobile.
9. Peanut Seat Cushion – Some shelled nuts are hard to open even if you have powerful fingers. For these stubborn items, you can use them as substitutes for the contents of beaded seat cushions. Shelled peanuts may shatter when supporting heavy people. You can cover the nuts with a layer of cotton to give them added durability.
10. Peanut Shell Charcoal – Try observing peanuts when they are being cooked. You will notice that peanut shells do not burn easily. They can absorb decent amounts of heat and even help in cooking their contents. Look at those features closely and you will be reminded of charcoal. If you are peanut lover, you can store shells until you fill up an entire garbage bag. You can then use those peanut containers as good substitutes for charcoal.



11. Peanut Soil Conditioner – Burying peanuts along with your garden plants is a good idea. The nuts release oil that adds nourishment and richness to the soil. Your plants will be healthier since they can readily acquire food from the soil. If you want a more direct approach to soil conditioning, you can apply peanut oil on your garden. Its effects may be short term, but your plants will be instantly satisfied.
12. Peanut Glue – Peanut-based glue may not be the most efficient adhesive but it is pretty easy to make. During your free time, you can mix peanut oil with flour and corn oil. Transfer the mixture onto a frying pan then add boiling water. Stir the solution thoroughly. Once it stiffens, your peanut glue is ready to use.

As an addendum to this article, Peanuts can also be mixed with flour, corn oil, placed in a frying pan of boiling water and used as an adhesive. Although the blood curdling screams of Charlie and Linus pleading for mercy or the cold embrace of a quick death may not be suitable for children or the faint of heart, this glue is perfect for paper masks and Christmas ornaments! :)

(Happy Peanuts make better glue!-Charles Schultz)

Suits You? Arrrr Guile?

Keeping today's posts on the track tip, the Blog felt obliged to inform the general public that as of 10:14 AM, we have argyle and "suits" Velocity rims in stock. Obviously, these are non-machined for your piddling velodrome dreams or for a bit of MASH plagiarism. You've been warned!