Atomic Fireball, Discretion is the Better Part of Valor

I made a mistake this morning. But I'd make it again in a heartbeat. While rummaging through the accounting office candy bowl, I happened upon a new addition called "Atomic Fireball". Apparently, everybody is familiar with these things except yours truly. Since I'm a candy fiend with a thirst for adventure and the unknown, I seized upon the opportunity to try the "Atomic Fireball" and expand my culinary horizons. The first thing that grabs your attention about this nefarious candy is the garish packaging. A bright red orb in in mid-supernova, flames encircling it like a wailing soul languishing in Hell. The second thing is the candy's actual size. It's somewhere in between a beach ball and classroom globe. If you happen to swallow it by accident, you're dead. No way it's passing through your trachea. Thirdly is the actual taste experience. At first, it's a cinnamon tang, like a rancid stick of Big Red that you've found on the floorboard of your 87 Toyota Tercel. But then, miraculously, a strange burning sensation slowly coats the tongue and roof of mouth as the pepper spray/capsicum oil begins to react with the saliva. Much like napalm or nitro-glycerin, the chemical reaction is downright combustive. What starts off as an "eye-watering burn" turns into a "gastro-intestinal nuclear holocaust" and concludes with a Dante-esque hellfire Rapture assaulting mind, body and SOUL! In conclusion, the "Atomic Fireball" is a delicate, after-dinner "sweet" that ably compliments aperitifs while cleansing the palate with an insouciant hint of cinnamon. Bon appetit!!!!

available at your local weapons depot

TGI...uh...Weekend!!!

This week has been tough on all of us. The rigors of inter-dimensional time travel coupled with some unseasonably humid weather and a whole bunch of bike product tomfoolery has left the entire Hawley Company exhausted and in dire need of some weekend R & R. I would say "just in time" as this blogger's batteries require a serious recharging. Maybe we'll ride road or singletrack... or fixie to the flea market in search of that elusive Jabba the Hutt spoken word album. Naw, I ain't givin' one more penny to that George Lucas fellow. Get a job hippy!

Ian and his recently defiled Storck. The innocent shall suffer, big time
Construction continues on the warehouse expansion. The local atmosphere is pleased
"Ya'll wanna party this weekend? I got that new Lil Wayne cd!"

Editorial Cartoon For Your Amusement

Or is it bemusement? I'll let you be the judge. Thanks to Kyle for the heads up on this:

In Memorium

It is with heavy heart and lighter wallet that I inform our legion of blogophiles the Hawley company has lost a dear friend today. At 1:47 PM, Melvin Baxter, break room dish sponge and devoted family man, was thrown away after being deemed "too freaking nasty" by the powers that be . After what seemed like decades of service in cleaning coffee mugs, lunch plates, and silverware, Melvin's bacterial spokespersons Clostridium Botulinum and Acinetobactor Baumannii said that it was "time for Melvin to explore other options" and "He had reached an impasse with the dishes and mugs. It occured to him he was actually spreading more bacteria and disease than cleaning up." In an interview with "Sponge and Ammo" last November, an exhausted Melvin questioned whether it was time to "hang it up" and let a younger, safer, less feculent cleaning device have a go at Dave Carson's never-ending mug of sludge. You will be missed, you nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty sponge...

(Left to Right: Melvin Baxter, Spontex Scrubber Sponge)

The Fantasmaphonic World of Mannequins and Agassi Wigs

From what I've heard around the office water cooler and other water coolers scattered throughout this great land of ours, we humans use about 10 percent of our brains. If this is true, then I'm hovering around a quarter to half a percent today. I got nothin' folks. Nada. Nil. Ought. Zero. Zilch. I stare at this blog and it's like a blank slate. If I went on Jeopardy and played against a butterfly and a staple gun, i would come in third. A distant third. Alex Trebek would put me out of my misery with a swift throat kick (see yesterday's blog) and/or Figure Four. So with that said, what I can offer today? The choice is clear: random photos culled from various office hard drives. Bon appetit!

We Got a Bad Case of the Mondays!

Not really, but if somebody saunters over to your cubicle, coffee mug in hand and inquires about "Mondays" and a potential affliction of said Mondays on oneself, then you have our permission to throw a scalding hot cup of coffee on the inquisitor's face while executing some sort of ninja-style throat punch or eye gouge. Mondays are both a blessing and a curse around here. Mondays in the summer mean lots of sales and web orders but they also mean lots of tape gun mileage put in by our shipping staff. Consequently, that means lots of warehouse intensity and pandemonium in general, which means the chance of a random throat punch or eye gouge goes up by an astonishing 45 percent (I'm lookin' right at you Miss Judy!). But never fear cherished bike dealer, neither locust swarm or ghost pirate entourage or marauding, drunken Ewoks in lowrider dune buggies can keep us from delivering you the bike part goodness you so richly deserve (and hopefully pay for!). Here are a few items that could potentially brighten your Monday, or darken it beyond all hope of salvation depending on how you feel about things that start with the letter H:

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

...Belongs to Marky Mark (aka $Money Mark$...aka The Angriest Little Man This Side of Swansea...aka Love Commander) of Shipping and the newly formed cold fusion research division. Mark got an honest deal from Ian for the Raleigh frame and then cobbled together a purchase order for the remaining parts in addition to some freebies from Sales to aid his prodigious bike build. Mark lives 24 miles away. That means his first week of commuting could see him around 250 miles. Not bad for a lonely, friendless, maladjusted commuting-virgin who lives with his grandparents, darning wool socks and making Christmas ornaments to wile away the hours. Mark walks past my cubicle on average 90 to 120 times a day, mumbling to himself about "the gummyment try to take my money away but me no let 'em" and "me try to be good hard worker man!" and "I am the angel of death, the time for purification is at hand". Hopefully, Marky Mark's new commuting regimen and a robust prescription of anti-psychotic medications will be his ticket to workplace peace of mind...

Mark rode 229 miles this morning before work. Suck it Armstrong!
Mark's commuter mirror is a portal to another dimension. Inter-dimensional portal courtesy of Sandy Emanuel and Mirrycle. He also uses it shave the whiskers on the go...

People Get Sick...

...Even in June! So yeah, thanks for all the get well cards and lavish FTD flower baskets laden with exotic orchids, poison sumac and Venus fly traps. I was out one day but you guys made me feel like I'd returned triumphantly from an eight year bout with "cancer of the everything". Now that I'm back and in relatively "good" health after dodging one of life's many bullets (or compound bow arrows for our readers in Northern Georgia, er, I mean "The Newly Independent County of Georgian Secessionists") I'd like to thank our primary blog sponsor Doc Littlejohn's Ole Timey Finger Joint Balm and Salve. Without this magical goop (still sold in the used chamber pots that Doc started the business with over 130 years ago) this blog and the health of this blogger would've met a premature and globally mourned demise along the lines of Princess Di, Dale Earnhardt or the Notorious BIG. Heres to another 12 years of the Hawley Blog!!! Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Furious George eats these twice a day or his appendages fall off. Look it up.

And just in case you were wondering, the warehouse expansion continues, unabated!!!

Chalk One Up in the "Almost" Column!

Teenwolf (Tony Zanca )and a bunch of other dudes locked horns Sunday afternoon for the 2008 NC Road Race Championship. Despite his most lupine efforts, Lobo Solo couldn't bring back the 2-man breakaway. And to add insult to injury, he was used and abused to the finish as 4th grabbed his wheel and scooted around at the line to nab a podium spot, leaving Teenwolf on the outside looking in, tears streaming from his face. Road racing is a cruel mistress my furry friend. A cruel, cruel mistress. Perhaps you should stick to more gentlemanly pursuits like backgammon and lawn darts...

Troy (Inside Sales) had nothing to do with this post
Our bikes parked outside of Art Bar are equally irrelevant

Straitline Brake Lever Close-Out!

Here are items that were traded for Straitline brake levers as of 10:36 AM today:Reggie Gelbarshot of I Can't Believe It's Not a Bicycle Shop (Orlando, FL) traded us a box of Tampax (22 supers, 22 regulars and 10 lights) and an empty tin of Tootsie Rolls for two sets of black Avid Juicy levers. Elhanan Twoshins of Big Hungry Clarence's Bicycle Barn (Toronto, Japan) traded a street hockey ball and a rancid Oscar Meyer wiener for SIX Hayes levers. And not to be outdone, Lester "Just Glad to Be Alive With All My Genitals Intact" McCalister of Bicycle Versus Grizzly Versus Meteor (Tuscon, AZ) traded an ultra-rare (sic. Ebay bound) Ultronic Deluxe AM/FM radio with retractable antennae and digital display for our remaining Straitline inventory. That's right, Jim Snyder is making deals all over the freakin' place!!!

Official Groundbreaking!!!

The warehouse expansion is a GO so that means earth movers, and plenty of 'em. It also means picture time, followed by party time, nap time, work time, lunch time, work time and burrito time... in that order.

"Okay people, hustle up! Drape your bodies ALL OVER that bulldozer!"
The Group Shot (not pictured: George, bulldozer, Brantley, Brian, Ian)
Jeff says, "I'm diggin' graves for those bratty graphics kids who screw up my receiving!!!"
Accounting/Covert Ops
Shipping, Receiving and Water Polo Academy
Ole Timey Sales Department (notice their antiquated ways)
Graphics and Telekinesis Research
The non-stop party that IS the Purchasing Department (minus George and Brian)

Twenty Questions with a Bona Fide Maniac

Jose's (inside sales/receiving) alarmingly frank answers to probing questions...

1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME?
José Carlos Texidor a.k.a. Chochi

2. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
San Juan, PR

3. WHAT DO YOU DO AT HAWLEY?
Sales??Receiving??

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BICYCLE?
Gary Fisher Ferrous 29er

5. DO YOU BELIEVE IN UNICORNS, MINOTAURS OR ELMOS?
MY DOG TALKS TO ME

6. HOW MANY 24 HOUR RACES HAVE YOU COMPETED IN?
3

7. HOW MANY HAVE YOU WON?
One - Singlespeed Solo- 2004

8. DO YOU TRUST LAZY AMERICAN WORKERS?
Only the ones that believe in Unicorns and play D&D.

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DRINK?
Café

10. HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN THE LOVE OF A GOOD WOMAN?
(chirp, chirp, chirp...) Of course

11. WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE PARTS MANUFACTURER?
Lego

12. DO YOU SAY THE WORD "DUDE" A LOT?
Like, yeah dude

13. DID YOU WATCH "THE A-TEAM" AS A CHILD?
No you fool!

14. DO YOU OWN A TANDEM BICYCLE?
No

15. IF YOU COULD SMACK ANYBODY IN THE FACE, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Hervé Villechaize

16. ARE YOU A VEGETERIAN?
No

17. DID YOU REALLY QUIT SMOKING, OR IS THAT A LIE?
It's true. I'm into knitting now.

18. CAN I STAY WITH YOUR FAMILY WHEN I VISIT PUERTO RICO IN AUGUST?
No

19. DO YOU EAT NUTELLA LIKES IT'S GOIN' OUT OF STYLE?
No

20. ODELAY!!!
"I'm not Mexican - I'm Poorooreecan" - Jennifer Lopez

Governor Sanford Signs Bill to Make Cycling Safer

Governor Mark Sanford signed a new Bicycle Safety Bill this morning at Outspokin Bicycles in Columbia, SC.  This new bill will require that motorist allow a "Safe Operating Distance" when passing a cyclist on the roads of SC.  The bill also maintains the current language permitting cyclists to ride two abreast, and would make it "Unlawful to harass, taunt, or maliciously throw and object at or in the direction of any person riding a bicycle".  A big thank you to Governor Mark Sanford, Representative Garry Smith (R-Greenville), PCC President Paul LeFrancois, PCC Director Natalie Cappuccio-Britt, and Outspokin Bicycles Owner Brian Currin (who, by the way, finished 9th in the Assault on Mt. Mitchell this past weekend).  Kudos to everyone for making our commutes and rides just a little bit safer. 

A Brief Missive to the Half-Wits at Straitline

TGIM!

Teenage Gandalf Insinuates Malaise? Tender Goldfish Inside Me? Not even close fair reader! Thank Goodness It's Monday! That means a brand new week of super f@#$in' fresh blogging tomfoolery and hijinks! What do we have in store? Well, I'm glad you asked. Heres a quick look at what we're working on: BMX Nationals re-cap (in Spenserian sonnet form) and accompanying illustrative woodcuts, "Birth of a Bullet Point: An Inside Look at Making Up Stuff About Products You Have Never Used" with Jim "I'll Kill Anybody Who Freakin' Looks At Me Funny" Snyder, Twenty Questions (and God knows how many answers) with Jose Texidor and a person from receiving yet to be determined, How To Scalp, Dismember and Consume a Teenage Runaway (with Dave Carson), Prank emails and letters to Straitline and Bicycling Magazine, and the always popular segment "How Much Hayes Brake Fluid Can I Drink?" Let's get it on!!!

Welcome Lexington National, Welcome.

This weekend the NBL bus in all it's glory chugs it's way down to Lexington, SC, more commonly referred to as Red Bank by the locals, for the Lexington National. Rain, Sleet, Snow, or 100º days will not slow the hardcore BMX crowd from making their appearance known. While making a quick lunchtime trip to the BMX track for a quick photo shoot, we caught up with this Olympic hopeful and we're able to squeeze in a little interview session between Skittles.

Hawley: So, what do you think about our new BMX track?

BMXr: Mmmff, hummgh, good!

Hawley: I can get some of them Skittles?

BMXr: What kind of grammar is "I can get"? Don't you people know how to properly convey your questions without regressing into some pathetic form of wanna be hood slang? And, NO, you can't have any of my skittles. My Mama said I didn't have to share if I made it all week without wetting my bed.

Hawley: Well, do you mind if we take a couple of pics of the track?

BMXr: Go right ahead, just make sure you post them on the.hawley.blog.

Hawley: You got it. Enjoy...

Just Shillin'

The Swiss are the most neutral nation I can think of. Thats impressive because when it comes to neutrality and nations, I'm a leading expert. Seriously. Look on Wikipedia under the search heading "guys who know a butt-load about neutral nations" and you'll see my name as well a picture of me participating in a chicken wing eating contest, circa 1985... but that's beside the point my half-witted blogohile. To continue with my discourse about the Swiss, ah, eh... well. Hmmm. OK, I gotta be straight with you, I'm not in Wikipedia, I'm not a leading expert, and I've never participated in an eating contest of any type. BUT, I do know a good looking carbon mountain wheel when I see one. It's Swiss too!