Holy Sweet Potato Pie

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

Buy These Gloves Or Sandy Will Destroy Me

Sandy commutes into work last Thursday...
Seriously, all kidding aside, Sandy has a temper like a drunk, Egyptian pharaoh. Prone to unreasonable demands and the occasional sarcophagus crammed with gold statues and mummified vendors, she rages against the Blog on an hourly basis, hurling insults at me like a hobo hurls baked bean tins at an open fire while on an ether binge. The Blog has taken to wearing turtlenecks around the office to hide the bruises from Sandy's daily throttling, its neck sore from the Homer Simpson-esque abuse as Sandy demands I fetch her a de-caf frappacino and the lastest issue of Conde Nast. How will the Blog's suffering be alleviated? Noose? Carbon monoxide party in my garage? No, sadly, the only way out is for these TSG gloves to leave our warehouse post-haste!!! End my suffering.

"Et Tu, Jose?": Things to Do in Columbia When You're Chloroformed

At the risk of sounding bitter, as soon as Jose opened up his box of brand new American Classic 29er wheels, we became enemies. The man who claimed to be my friend, my amigo, my Spanish obscenity tutor, stabbed the Blog in the back as he was first to score the mad-fresh AC's. Crimony! That means the blog either gets the inferior (in color only) white pair or waits to build up some funky fresh wheels with some Cane Creek rims and Industry Nine (new vendor for us in 2009) hubs. Nevertheless, as soon as I remove the scimitar Jose thrust between my fourth and fifth vertebrae, I shall have my revenge. Oh yes, there wheel be blood. But not blood, just gloating and childish behavior. To be honest, Jose was quite demur, barely showing a smile as he unwrapped his new babies. According to a few witnesses, he did let out an exuberant yelp after the crowds cleared but that's to be expected from a man known for having the discretion of an 18th century courtesan. In conclusion, after I figure out where to buy chloroform, I expect we won't be seeing Jose or his wheels for a wheel long time. By the way Dave, can I borrow your van this weekend? Just send me a text... and ix-nay on the idnapping-kay! (Wink)

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

Belongs to Brittany (quality control)! Technically, this bike was driven in but it shall be used for commuting in the near future. Andy insisted on switching out the headset. Ugh, the guy tries the Blog's patience...

THE LIGHTEST OF THE LIGHT....

Great, now that I have all you weight-weenies looking, I'm not talking about shedding grams, I'm talkin' bout' sheddin some light. Now that the ashes from the first wave of nuclear attacks are blocking the sunlight, (just kidding Troy. It's just daylight savings time) we have to find time to get a good ride in. This often requires moving about in the dark. So after Justin Kline came from Princeton Tec and convinced us that they had finally reproduced alien technology that gives you night vision, I was even more inspired to go out and hunt for more scary stuff like all of those strange children lurking around the kids Edventure museum. Some of them didn't show up in the photographs, but here are a few that I was able to capture with a hand full of cat food and a fishing net:


This creature that I nicknamed "Widdle Bear" ended up coming back to my house and living with me for a few days. After I found him in the closet roasting the neighbor's dog over a fire made of my Dirt Rag collection, I had to let him go. It was a teary eyed goodbye, but he knew his life was out here, eating handfuls of that swirly foam that forms right below the dam on the Saluda River. Poor Widdle Guy.

I didnt take such a liking to this kid. This is him right after he stole my camera and made this creepy video in the bathroom in Riverwalk Park. I wont go into detail, but he kept talking about how he was twice my age and If I was ever looking for the rarest of the rare Pokemon cards, he new a guy. He also had a floppy disc, that he claimed, had all of the passwords to hack into Area 51's website. It's a shame I don't have a floppy drive, I would love to see what they have in that place....

He dropped a Polaroid of this strange system. I assumed it was a light and acquired one from the back room at a gun and knife show in Red Bank. I was amazed at how bright it was. In fact, If I focused on any object longer than 2 or 3 seconds, it burst into flames! This little guy has a battery pack that can mount on the frame or the cable is long enough to wear it in the back pocket of your jersey or flack jacket in my case. Four light settings allow 1, 3, 5, or all 8 LEDs to burn with around 160 hours on 8 AA batteries. The cool part is that you can run only 4 batteries and the regulator in the light will give off the same light intensity but for half of the duration. It's even waterproof! You can bet that the next time I go screaming down the riverwalk and those little children of the night come out, they'll be so scared that they will look like this guy...........

Why Didn't Somebody Tell Me???

It appears the better half of the Super-Terrific Storck Tactical Marketing Duo spells her name with TWO T's!!! Drat! Now the blog feels like an idiot! "She's borrowed a dollar, but she's stolen the accounting department's heart!"
We'd also like to send a shout-out to our lone reader in Norway! I assume the brutal pre-winter weather has you in its remorseless, icy grasp as you're well on your way to an alcohol-soaked bout of depression in the bleak wasteland of Scandinavian oblivion, holed up in a wretched, moss-covered shack in the middle of a fjord with your pet caribou Olle who has made his amorous intentions MORE than clear to you on several occasions during the night...but cheer up! There's a new episode of "Fringe" on FOX tonight! By the way, if our lone Norwegian reader is Gunn-Rita Dahle Flesja, then the Blog thinks your name is too long. Try using a nickname, like Piper or Chi-Chi Flesja! Doesn't that sound better? Of course not, but it's easier to spell.

That's Racertainment! Reflections on Sunday's Race and Scurvy

Sunday was race day at Harbison State Forest. The Hawley Company managed to field two riders in the Sport class: Teenwolf and Will. Those of us not racing had excellent excuses. The blog was suffering from a sore eyelid after a night of unfettered blinking. Jose was hobbled by a severe case of scurvy while Kyle said his breakfast had been poisoned by ghosts, from the future. In any case Hawley/Team Hoffenchard was represented and that was all that mattered. Writing up an XC race is a fruitless endeavor so I'll cut to the chase and say that Will gapped the field 5 minutes in and won by about 4 minutes on his rigid Voodoo. Teenwolf popped early and struggled to a third place. However it matters not as the blog was smart and bet against him! Sadly, Jose passed away later that afternoon. Together, we can beat scurvy in 2009...

Will rolls through the start area, blissfully unaware of Jose's impending death
Teenwolf blasts through a creek crossing. Now that's some brackish goodness!
Will stares down the camera at the Midland's Mountain climb, blissfully unaware that he has contracted full-blown scurvy!!!

Rebecca from Cycle Center tells Will "I don't understand, your scurvy levels are through the roof! How are you still standing?" To which Will replies "I'm half pirate, scurvy is in my blood, so to speak. Hmmmmmm???"Tim Malson, co-owner of Summit Cycles barely survives the creek crossing on his 70 year old Diamondback 29er.
Toby Porter, Harrell's flunky, spends some quality time in the rear of the Expert field. Whoa, that sounded bad!
Brian Curran, owner of Outspokin' rocks the Euro style shin warmers. Punk rock!
Damon catches his breath on a flat section. Lord knows what he'll do when he has to actually exert himself.

An Anatolian Shepherd says "cycling bores me to no end!" Shut up, you talking dog!Hands down, the best grimace/pain face/sneer of contempt/I'm pretty sure I installed my saddle and seatpost upside down/ seen all day!!!!
In the future, we shall ride bikes like this one and eat our meals in pill form.

Wood You Or Wouldn't You?

It's a dismal Friday good blog readers and that means it's time to mail yet another blog post in. As you can plainly see, the blog has been busy with its "other" duties this week. For example, a sampling of El Hefe's screaming through his megaphone of encouragement Tuesday morning: "Those dairy cows won't milk themselves Bloggy! And where's my cucumber salad on whole wheat bagel??? By the way, I'm going to need the warehouse moved 3 feet to the right. You have thirty minutes!... Have you written my Tony Awards acceptance speech yet? Remember, the first paragraph must contain an acrostic describing my good looks and charm! Where are my wading boots Bloggy!!!" But after those duties are completed with the alacrity and dedication befitting a blog, it is always a welcome treat to come back to the cold embrace of my anonymous, faceless internet readers, IP addresses drifting in an endless void, skimming these words only to get to the underwhelming visuals. Do not fret or mistake my candor for bitterness! The blog has subscribed to USA Today for 13 years for the full color weather map, discarding the rest of the newspaper like the entrails of a freshly cleaned pheasant. That reminds me, I have pheasant and poached eggs to prepare for El Hefe's mid-afternoon repast! Heavens to murgatroid, it never ends, does it? But on to the goodies as they say in the CVS candy aisle:

Behold! The Velocity Deep V TEAK rim in all its faux wood glory!!!

Behold! An "economical" track wheel with machined sidewalls for the talentless masses! In red no less! Beat that! (!)
Behold! The same freakin' wheel in Gold/Copper/Bronze! Gold has never looked so cheap (in price, not quality, er... well)



Oh yeah, just in case you were wondering what Troy (sales) and Hollywood (Storck Pretty Boy) do to "unwind" after a long day of servicing the bike industry, video proof provided by Britney.

Race Announcement!

Theres gonna be a mtb/cross race this weekend in the heart of the check cashing/pay day lender district in Columbia at Harbison State Forest! Get your race on you racist pig!

From the looks of the "course map", it'll be fast with a couple short climbs. Are you ready to dominate? The blog thinks you're not ready....
Might we suggest this..

Elect-tile Dysfunction? ALSO, We Have a Bike Builder In Our Midst

Now that the election is over, except in Missouri (are they still counting?), Minnesota (Franken v. Coleman), Georgia (Chambliss v. Martin) and Alaska (Stevens v. Begich; how can Alaskans vote for a convicted felon?), you're wondering to yourself how the country really voted. While the traditional color-coded map is easy to read and reveals a pleasant looking sailboat when stared at for 60 seconds, a Michigan physics professor (sic. friendless shut-in) created some alternate maps that reflect other aspects of voting besides pure geography. Acquaint thyself with this idiot-proof tutorial from the good eggheads at NPR: Animated Maps With Talking and Some Good Natured Beat-Boxing

Justin (shipping, philatelist) brought in one of his new creations this morning. It's a pure racing bike with super-casual geometry and a one-off wheelset. The frame is made wax. Everything else on the bike is also made of wax. The cranks are super-stiff and the shorter chain stays make for punchier accelerations compared to his earlier bikes. Because this bike is made of wax, and approximately 3 centimeters in length, we recommend it for crits, climbs and shorter rides.

Alternative Forms of Energy Other Than The Chili Dog Shack

Wellity wellity wellity! It seems another Hawley vendor has put its alternative energy money where its alternative energy mouth is and installed approximately a googolplex of solar panels on their roof. Tired of waiting 3 minutes for your savory Hot Pocket to cook in the microwave? How about 2 minutes, 45 seconds chump! Get out of the stone age you visigothian dunderheads and embrace the Helio-centric lifestyle!!!

(late edit. Turns out everybody already knew of this. What the dilly people? Can't somebody toss the blog a bone once in a while?)

Thomson Sneak Peek

Dave Thomson, of Thomson- well, not sure his last name is Thomson, but one can assume that Thomson works like The Ramones: when one joins the group, your last name is replaced by the band/company moniker... you also share precious body fluids with the hive-mother, similar to The Ramones and Thomson. Anyway, Dave sent Jim (purchasing, voted least likely to become a hive mother) a prototype of their new fangled seat post collar. If you're not into Thomson or seat post collars, then you're probably in mid-yawn. However, if you're into Thomson and/or seat post collars, then you've probably perked up. Jim told me some interesting tidbits but as usual when Jim started blabbin' away about machined-this and diameter-that, it turned into "meow meow meow meow meow meow". Feast your eyes heathens!!!

"Groove is in the Heart" (with apologies to Dee Lite): Colin's New Bike, Trail Tough... Apocalypse Ready

Colin (inside sales) trashed his old and beloved Specialized so he turned his post-apocalyptic attention to a new Soma Groove. Although it confounds the blog to see Colin insisting on another 26 inch bike build, it is equally reassuring to see Colin's love of "you can never have enough" continue with his part selection. Colin is also fond of saying "You can never love enough" which is usually accompanied by his traditional post-lunch man hug session as we listen to Chicago albums. They're intense, but I highly recommend it if you want to "feel the love", the love of Colin. Back to the build! According to Colin, i.e., from his keyboard to your eyeballs:
"SOMA GROOVE 19" SKY BLUE (That's what you'll be staring at after I flick
you, with my extra long middle finger with two extra joints, in the
Adam's Apple as I pass.)
Truvativ Holzfeller 680 30mm rise bar, Team stem and seatpost
Stylo ss cranks and a box guide (ultralight setup)
MAXXIS MINION DHR and DHF with Kenda Downhill tubes (to save weight).
Hayes 8" Mechanical brakes and SD-7 levers (for lockin' em up and doing
skid turns)
The KMC KOOOOOL chain (the source of all of my skills)
1181 Pedals and saddle (like sitting on a soft moss covered tuffet)
Jagwire ripcord cable set (worth every penny)

If this bike was a person, it would be Jacky Chan because he gets no
respect but is pretty much Chuck Norris's only fear. He is a trained
Opera singer and has a hole in his head....just like this frame!!"

Part 2 of Today's Post

The blog just blew its own mind. Seriously. This is supposed to be part 2, but as you can plainly see, this is actually the first post in the series. How can this be? The post title never lies. It is incapable of lying. The blog sees another week of sleepless nights ahead of it. Fiddlesticks! But to the matter at hand, when you work at a place that sells 19,000,000 pairs of arm warmers a year, it can be quite the undertaking to GIVE AWAY a pair of arm warmers. Everybody says the same thing "I have like, 15 pairs dude. I don't need anymore" So the blog's pleas fell on deaf ears. On to plan B: concoct a fake note, similar to those written by semi-literate immigrant mothers and fathers abandoning their baby at the doorstep of a convent (a tip of the hat to Mom and Dad). With that in mind, the blog put sharpie to scrap paper and set "Operation: Get Rid of Arm Warmers" in motion. Sadly, no one took the bait. So it was on to plan C: dump them in the warehouse and let the chips fall where they may. Well, the chips fell and after the dust settled, Justin was the lucky winner. Justin said, "This is the only piece of warm clothing I have to ride in!" Hmmm Mr. Justin. You revealed a little too much information to the blog. The wheels are now in motion for "Operation: Winter Clothing Drive For Justin"!

(edit. Pace Arm Warmers are well made and very economical. Unfortunately they don't fit those of us with skinny, mantis-like arms)

Part 1 of Today's Post

This has nothing to do with cycling or Hawley, but as we trudge into the mire and stink of the 2009 catalog "construction", it's good to have something light-hearted and groin-wrenchingly cuddly to watch:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Are You Experiencing Great Pain?

Please, rub this all over your body:

Planning to cook and then eat yourself? Rub this on your body:Don't ask questions, just do it!!!