Colin And His Unfounded Hatred of Hipsters Comes Back To Bite Him

Well well well. Look who's discovered fixed gear bikes, but WITH A TWIST?! Colin, the man who despises everything to do with "fixed bike", "culture", "tight jeans" and "ironic mustaches" (whatever that means) has built up a lovely little Pake with only the finest downhill bike components and some castaway samples that nobody wanted. In addition to the cheap stuff, Gentleman Jim Snyder was able to talk Colin into buying the 2009 JL Straitline pedals to match the rest of the Ergon themed bike. Colin came into the Blog's office yesterday and asked if he should get the Michelin Pro3s in the neon yellow green. A good friend would've said "Of course not. Buy thick, heavy duty tires for riding through the Columbia gnar". However a troublemaker would say "Any tire besides the Pro3s would be a huge mistake. What do you have to lose? Live a little you frightened little man-child" and thus, Colin became the owner of a pair of neon green Pro3s. Fast forward to this morning. Colin was on the fence once again about the JL pedals. Sure they were pricey, but they would match the Ergon fixie perfectly. Luckily, Jim was around to provide the misguided youth some misguided advice and 10 minutes later, Colin was threading them onto his crankset which is approximately worth 1/16th of what the JLs cost. The bike is a study in neon green and bad advice. Kudos Colin, whose name in 3rd grade Spanish was "Carlito" (for any shops who deal with Colin on a regular basis)...

Owleye headlight with Ergon decal and matching zip-ties....
The JLs!
Custom Bike Ribbon bag and the world's most uncomfortable saddle....

Niner Your Business

The oracles have spoken and the prophecy that was foretold has come to pass. Joshie's bike is complete, cue Gabriel's trumpet. They said it couldn't be done and by "they", The Blog means "Squeaky-voiced Newsies From The Turn Of The Century Who Will Eventually Die Of Malnutrition", but we and by "we", The Blog means "The Northern Hemisphere", never lost faith in Joshie and his peculiar ways. For example, Joshie eats Cheerios out of a water bottle that makes said Cheerios smell like urine. Seriously, ask Julie. Another example, the man has two sets of eyelids like a cat thus enabling him to fall asleep while he stares you in the eye as you go on and on about how "wonderful" your Christmas was and how awesome "Avatar" is and James Cameron has really topped himself this time and blah blah blippity blah! Joshie's precious RED Cane Creek 110 headset finally arrived and much like our beloved Voltron (or the Wu Tang Clan for the younger readers), the crucial components of his Niner formed into an entity of awesome yet terrifying technological proportions. To quote Brantley (returns department) who has literally seen every bike that has EVER existed, he said Joshie's new ride "is one of the best he's ever seen!". Good ole Brantley, who knows what goes on in that jumbled mess of wires and motherboards crammed into an already packed head but he MAY be onto something. So yeah, if anybody is over at Harbsion State Forest around 3:45 to 4:00, you'll probably see Josh in the parking lot getting his new baby ready for its maiden voyage... as well as his bike. Welcome him with open arms and an impish smile!

We're impressed with that headset thing, uh, press? Bah! Whatever

Sitting pretty in the head tube. Reminds me of Aston Villa (Ozzy's home football club) or West Ham United colors....
Judgment time...

Not too shabby!

Deer Stand And Deliver... THE BLOG POST! Hoo-ahhh!

Pristine upstate pavement...
While pedaling around the piedmont hills of Spartanburg during the Christmas recess, The Blog came upon several makeshift shelters the locals call "Deer Stands". Apparently, the "aim" of these contraptions is to provide a secure and comfortable hiding place from which to shoot at deer and manguars (50 percent man, 50 percent jaguar, 100 percent party animal).

While reprehensible, this savage custom could be put to good use in the sales department. Those inside sales folk with their soft, downy underbellies and succulent hocks could feed a family of four with meat to spare for a pudding or custard! By Jenkins it could work! But leaving cannibalism aside, deer stands are a visual reminder that the rider is never completely safe. Either it's a car or a dog or a stray bullet. Thus, you need loud, retina-searing color not only girding your shame, but ensconced on your bicycle as well. And look what just showed up, the latest addition to your "loud" wardrobe: The new turquoise 110 headset from those candy-eating fops at Cane Creek! Same design, same build just different color. It looks goooood. Speaking of deer hunting, this man:

sent The Blog a few pics snapped in a Florida bicycle dealer of a LIVE deer astride a BICYCLE!

His name is Guiseppe and he rides the bicycle for flavored corn treats. His cadence is incredible but he is humble and doesn't let his innate talent inflate his ego.

Speaking of innate talent, don't forget about the Ian Ride Toby Porter is leading this coming Saturday morning. 10:00 AM at Lexington High School, off of I-20 (I think???). Bring whatever cash you feel like donating (no cheapskates please) and a bike ready for different surfaces. Gonna be cold and windy too so you should dress the hands and feet accordingly. Sorry, no Klaus Kinski's allowed and that will be enforced.

"Logjammin"

The Blog took a few days during the Christmas break to dust off the old bicycle and get out on the winding roads of rural Spartanburg county. Oddly enough, these very same roads are used in the annual Walnut Grove road race, however The Blog's pace would be far more relaxed than those competitive types. As the weather was downright cold, layers upon layers were on the menu. God bless the Craft Pro Warm base layer with its incubator-like heat production and Defeet Blaze Wool socks with their, uh, wooly goodness?

Product placement out of the way, the ride took The Blog through the vertiginous hills of disused farms and sketchier-than- usual mobile homes of the lower Piedmont. A chasey dog here, a careless pickup driver there, the ride proceeded smoothly and uneventful. Sadly, a few of The Blog's favorite hunting club fireroads have since been handed over to loggers. Subsequently, the logging vehicles have completely destroyed the fireroads rendering them unrideable. Fiddlesticks! Miles upon miles of wonderful offroad riding ruined. 'Tis a shame but the wheels of nonrenewable commerce grind on!

Three-toed animals ahead, on the right side of the road...
Apparently, a tragic plane crash occurred on my ride route during WWII. This monument was next to the historic Price House.
A20G Havoc...
This piece of reckless road graffiti sums up The Blog's mood. The Blog cannot condone this sort of Turk182-styled hijinksery, but it was good luck to stumble upon it!
This fireroad was one of the better ones with its 5 inches of soft, unnavigable sand. It used to have Federal Nature Reserve signs all over it but sadly, those days are long gone...

Since We Last Checked In

Wellity wellity wellity. Looks like Joshie added a few more components to the Niner today. Sadly no headset was installed but some chainrings, shifters and a cassette were thrown on! Hoorah. Red BMX chainring bolts symbolize bloodshed and how Joshie's ancestors waged war against aboriginal people in South Congaree during the great Molly Hatchet Uprising of 1986. Never forgive, never forget.

A visibly angry Josh stews about his lack of a headset...
Wacky Sporttourer grips reflect their Romulan design heritage...
Gahhh!!!! Molly Hatchet foreva!
New cassette to match the hub and rear derailleur....

Joshie's New Niner, Now 6 Percent Closer To Completion

Well, don't hold your breath about this thing getting finished before World Cup 2010, but over the weekend, Joshie did manage to tear himself away from A&E's "Hoarders" and throw on a rear derailleur and crankset. A few more parts and this thing will start looking like a proper bicycle and not a-glow-in-the-dark Duchamp sculpture...

The matching XO RD with the AC hub. Magnifique!!!
Bling! XTR, but so shiny and hypnotic looking....

Dave Carson Leaves Us With An Ominous Message Alluding To Eternal Servitude & Eleven81 Trailers!

Last week, El Presidente gathered the office goons and nitwits together for a little "presentation". After several years of devoted service, purchasing overlord Dave Carson has decided to head to greener pastures so as a way of saying "thank you", Steve and his wife got Dave a picture to remind him how much better our climate is compared to the rain-soaked depression pit that is Seattle, WA (Dave's future stomping ground. Literally. He's starting his own winery). Dave said he hadn't prepared much of a speech and then proceeded to ramble on incoherently for approximately 45 minutes as he espoused his theories about how aliens created the pyramids and a second and third shooter on the grassy knoll. Eventually, Steve had to chloroform Dave, ever so gently, and drag his body back into his office where Dave slumbered the rest of the week! Everybody is going to miss Dave except for the entire country of Taiwan who both fear and revere him as he has been promoted to some form of avenging purchasing deity. But here is a serious question: With Dave's departure, who's going to make the morning coffee? The Blog's money is on Phil from IT.

(snippets)
Steve: Dave, thanks for all your hard work. When I let you borrow my towel, I didn't expect you to keep it for 3 years.
Dave: Well, you never specified.
Steve: What's keeping me from removing your hand right now and smacking you senseless with it!
Dave: Telekinesis.
Steve: You cotton pickin' towel absconder! Quit playing your brain games!


Hello Kitty! Hello Kitty! Dave's merciless rage is soothed.


(snippet)
Dave: Well folks, I just want to tell you all that I own you. Each and every one of you is under my control. You're my little minions doing my bidding. Never forget that. I own you and always will own you for perpetuity. In case you doubt this, fly over to Taiwan and gaze upon the 200 foot bronze statue of yours truly outside the Taoyuan airport. I'm freaking serious as a heart attack people.


So in honor of Dave, Taiwan has sent over the first shipment of the new Eleven81 bicycle trailers! Holy moley!!!!! Gaze upon the goodness. These are for children or anything you might want to haul around: sausages, cinder blocks, magic beans, boa constrictors. These trailers can carry anthing! (this is not a guarantee)

Seasons Greetings From Ice Planet Hoth

From our All Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) to yours, have a safe and happy holidays crushing the Rebel Alliance!

Ian Foyster January SECOND Ride Details

As promised, some important things to know about the Ian Foyster ride straight from Toby Porter's brain to this blog:

The 2010 New Years Lake Loop will take on a different meaning this coming January. I am inviting all my local cycling friends to come and join me to honor Ian’s memory. The route this year, due to increasing traffic and safety concerns in the Lexington and surrounding areas, will have more dirt road sections and less bridge crossings/lake views.

When: Saturday January 2, 2010 10 a.m.

Where: Lex High School. (N33*58’43.3” W81*18’35.9”) 0.4 mi West of intersection of US1 & Pisgah Church Rd (3^rd Left after intersection on Olde Farm Road, 1^st Parking lot on left)

Why: To honor the memory of our friend Ian Foyster who was all too suddenly and tragically taken this past year. For the folks who did not get a chance to meet Ian, you missed the opportunity to meet one heck of a fella. Ian was a constant figure in the cycling and enduro-moto community for many years. A regular trickster and all around funny man, he loved humor and a good bike ride. This is the chance to celebrate with a group of likeminded folks, which can come together and give back as a group to a worthy cause. A donation is encouraged and will be greatly appreciated. All donations will be presented to Ian’s daughter from the midlands cycling community.

This route will be a 40 mile multi surface loop. There will be various sections of Lexington County’s finest dirt, clay, sandy and gravel to ride. The rural rolling terrain will be very low on traffic. You be will be chased by a dog or two but don’t worry, a squirt of water will do the trick. This loop will be a character builder and a great winter day ride.

The biggest question will be what bike do I bring? Well this route will be most enjoyed on a cross bike. Set up with tires ranging from 28-42c. tires. A mtb will be equally as nice. Slap on some semi slicks or be a bad ass and show up with full knobbies. If you see yourself as THE diehard classics specialist by all means bring out that road bike. However be warned I would not ride it with anything less than 28c. tires. That’s that!

In other exciting and somewhat unnerving news, Julie Goguen brought in a Christmas decoration some neer do well friends of hers from Canada foisted upon her.

The concept is simple. Take a bunch of snowpeople who are apparently kneeling, praying to their pagan snow god whilst sitting in an upside down umbrella as they are showered by flecks of styrofoam! In one word: "Genius!" In two words: "What the?!" Sadly, Edward, interim king of the shipping department, was rushed to a local physician after ingesting approximately 70 percent of the Styrofoam pellets despite repeated warnings against ingesting said Styrofoam pellets. To quote Megan: "Edward. The pellets are toxic. Do not eat them" 45 seconds later, ambulance sirens are heard in the distance... and the circle of life continues.

Tony Wagster Loves Designer Cakes?

Wednesday- the halfway point of the work week at stately Hawley Manor. According to my ornate brass sundial and pocket watch lifted from the corpse of a competitor's outside rep who had riled up our pack of sentry hounds, it's time to feed the unruly rabble who toil deep within our salt mines. But instead of their usual trough of corn slop and pine cones infused with an insouciant hint of Motorex chain lube, the rabid curs will be treated to a culinary delight: Hudson Brothers BBQ! Pulled pork? Nay; pulled transient with a side of "let this be a warning to you, scurrilous halfwit!". It shall be a succulent repast. And the best thing about pulled transient? NO WITNESSES! In addition to the main course, The LaBron James of outside reps, Tony Wagster brought in a custom Hawley cake courtesy of the other, lesser known outside reps (Bruce McCarthy just spat Tang all over the screen of his Tandy1000 while Dennis Berg just pulverized a cue ball in his bare hand). In other equally horrifying news, Teenwolf and Colon's obsession with table tennis have led them to the basest and most primitive of experimentations: floor tennis. Lacking a proper table, they fashioned a makeshift "net" and battled well into the night as we looked on with pity in our eyes and malice in our bosoms.

Speaking of basest desires, if you have ANY desire of riding your bike in 2010, then get the year started off right with Toby Porter's world famous New Year's ride. This year's and perhaps every subsequent year will honor our dear friend Ian Foyster and also serves as a fundraiser for his daughter Hailey's college fund. The ride is free but donations are welcome (sic. donate $). The ride itself will be 40 miles in length and will consist of traffic-free dirt roads with a small amount of pavement. Toby suggests cross bikes but road and mountain bikes will also get the job done. A 28 is probably the narrowest tire you want to run. Toby's words, not The Blog's. Details like start time, location, route will follow tomorrow. Ciao bella!