"Ghost Dad" Makes "Umberto D" Look Like "Singin' In The Rain"

With the Tour De France fast approaching, we thought we'd share this bit of cycling ephemera from the Johan Bruyneel archives. Pictured in the center is a fautleroy'ed junior rider (Bruyneel) flanked by a motley assortment of characters who comprised his scheming "entourage". From left to right, in order of literary menace: The Manager, The Proud Father, The Estranged But Loving Grandfather, Bruyneel, The Coulda-Been-Somethin', The Hired Muscle, The Child-Minded Simpleton, The Goon and The Pariah. Technically, and this is going by written rules and not letting emotion cloud judgment, shouldn't the Goon be on the front page of The Satorialist? High wasted linen pants, lapel-less hunting jacket, cigar hanging suggestively from his mouth and thumbs inserted front pocketwise look offly Euro-Sartorialist to this eye. It's a weird photograph nonetheless. May it haunt your dreams for the next 4 weeks.

Speaking of haunting, even though purchaser Georgio has moved on to greener pastures, his purchasing memories haunt us like so many Caspers, Ghost Dads and Rich Uncle Skeletons. In a stroke of brilliance, Georgio brought in the always lovely Cardiff leather saddles to appeal to the cruiser/mixte crowd who find an SLR or Arione distasteful and the exorbitant price of a Brooks unsettling. These are one hundred percent leather saddles made for one hundred percent of your backside. Just noticed, but The Blog is pretty sure the Cardiff logo and the Guild Of Calamitous Intent's logo look eerily similar. Note to self, need to purchase those Venture Brothers cufflinks before they're sold out. Buy a Cardiff while you're at it. That is all.
Not sold on "Ghost Dad", then check out the critical acclaim you naysayer.

Prediction: Predator #4 Plays Topher Grace's Vertebrae Like A Xylophone

If this image doesn't lift your spirits and brighten your day, then you're what we call, "on the ball". By the way, is anybody else nervously X-ing out the days on their calendar until the release of "Predators" in theaters, nationwide? Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Laurence Fishburne, Abe Vigoda? I smell box office gold. Here's hoping there's a scene with the head honcho Predator sipping cognac in his sitting room with an oil painting of an armless Carl Weathers over his fireplace as he discusses the finer points of disembowelment with his predator grandchildren. July 9th gentle reader, July 9th....If there was one lesson "Dynamite" magazine taught us, it was that children hate reading. But children like looking at goofy television celebrities, and thus "Dynamite" prepared an entire generation of future "People" and "US Weekly" subscribers. But what's venerable comedy juggernaut Jimmie Walker smiling about? Perhaps the resurrection of the sub-Saharan wasteland his career had dissolved into at last year's Gathering of the Juggalos where he shared precious stage time with Pauly Shore? Yes, but in addition to that rancid cherry on top of a dog turd sunday of a career, he's also super-pumped about the impending delivery of July's Masterlink to all of his favorite outside sales reps who'll be visiting their favorite independent bicycle dealers. Featured are all sorts of delightful DT Swiss bobbles and trinkets, the debut of the new CLIF crunch bar, Super freaking awesome deals on Craft clothing and the Pace Edge visor, named after former Hawley suspension troll, Jeremy Edge. "Ain't we lucky we got emmmmm...."

(The average yearly subscription rate for "People" magazine is $105.47. Seriously)

Handlebar Tape Disease: Ghana Area

So for the past few months, I've been wracking my brain about what hood/handlebar tape combination to run on Jacques Lobster. Because HUDZ carries pretty much the visible color spectrum and if you combine all the color options from Deda, Bike Ribbon, Cinelli, Sram, Eleven81, Singleworks, Zipp and Lizard Skins, any retina-searing set-up is possible. Since I've been on a dub/reggae listening kick for a while, reinforced with a healthy dose of Michal Veal's "Dub: Soundscapes...", I had a eureka moment: I shall outfit the Lobster in Rasta colors! Huzzah! So after selecting a yellow set of Hudz (BKPT11832) to fit my Campy shifters and some red Lizard Skins bartape (HDTP1603) it was time to step back and behold the glory that is "The Original Rockers Rosewood Sound System". Sadly, the Rasta wasn't working. It wasn't giving off the Black Ark vibe I was going for. It felt more like a Ronald McDonald meets Oscar The Grouch mash-up. Shell Oil meets Jolly Green Giant? Sales flunkie Jose predicted it would look like a hot dog, and I was on the verge of grudgingly accepting his prognostication, when I glanced up at the TV and saw the joyous hordes of Ghanaian futbol fans waving yellow, green and red flags after they dismantled the US. Eureka, for the second time! An out! An expedient reason to save face: Handlebar scheme was now "in honor of the Ghanaian world cup victory" instead of the Rasta bike/Original Rockers Rosewood Sound System. And yes, it is a most hideous color scheme indeed...


By the way, this was the maiden voyage in my new Toms Shoes kit, courtesy of Team Toms Shoes team director Adam "My Hawley Graphics Department Coworker" Abramowicz. Go buy some Toms espadrilles since it's for charity and Adam is a kind, old soul with a button nose and two eyes made of coal. That is all.

(Post script: It rained buckets on me yet the white bibs stayed opaque, keeping my nether regions obscured from the lecherous eyes of Shandon freakazoids)

Friday Afternoon Advertisements

In honor of our new 2010 Urban(e) catalog, a CASIO! wristwatch commercial featuring Joey Krillz...


And on the Left Coast, Massan doing a spot for Taiwan junkride-maker Leader (?) Bikes. Why can't these kids wear helmets?!

Massan for Leader Bikes from Brandon Finks Video/Animation on Vimeo.

Play 'em off Piano Jose...

Psst, our good friend Rachael at Palmetto Cycling Coaliton wrote an excellent editorial for "The State" newspaper. A MUST READ! (although the title is a little zzzzz, much like this blog post). Have a frank and productive weekend.

Commuting In Numbers

First group commute in a while went off without a hitch. Adam, Josh and Ole Bloggy met at the intersection of Platt Springs and Emmanuel Church right down the road from the airport. Bloggy wanted a McDonald's breakfast burrito but the prospect of bib chili this early in the day kiboshed the idea. Adam and I agreed to make sure Josh pulled us up the Shirway climb. He was none the wiser...
Big thanks to Chad Hoerner at FSA for the new commuting jersey. FSA makes a quality cantilever brake! Jacques Lobster-approved. Sadly, the jersey sleeves were shorn of their elastic cuffs a la Caskey and Porter (Brandon and Tobe respectively). Not ready for the Dicky full sleeveless look but there is something to be said for the fluttery goodness in the summertime...

Commuter Bike Of The Week, Profiles In Courage: Brian Love

In every kingdom, government, secret society or high school clique, there are figureheads or closely knit factions of influence, concentrated power and ferality that to hint at even the slightest of transgression can bring down the wrath of a Norse god apocalypse (see yesterday's post, ref: "Ragnarok"). Thus it is so with The Hawley Company's IT department, who at the drop of a misplaced bracket or backslash in a line of code could grind the wheels of bicycle part commerce to a screeching halt. In the spirit of detente, The Blog humbly beseeches our IT overlords for mercy. As a sign of goodwill, this week's commuter bike of the week belongs to IT goon B'Love! After a 90 minute berating from D-Rod yesterday, B'Love decided to quit the tender-footing and get serious about riding to work. 16 miles and 7 gallons of sweat later, B'Love made it to work in one piece this morning. Is this only the beginning of a possible bike commuter MVP performance for 2010 or a Pervis Ellison-styled flame out that will leave the historians shaking their heads. Only time will tell....

A motley combination of Sigma Quadro (new for 2010!) and Planet Bike lights adorn the handlebar. The ubiquitous Shimano SPD pedals, the choice of all lawless commuters...GI saddlebag installed at a rakish angle compliments the Selle Italia and Planet Bike...GI Second Wind pump and a 24 oz Polar bottle...The Maxxis Detonator training tire. Not bulletproof but more than adequate for the rigors of riding into work...17.77!!! Birth year of Italian sculptor Lorenzo Bartolini. Fresh!

Subway: Come For The Food, Stay For The Mild Irritation

Huzzah gentle reader! Tuesday has arrived like a swarm of locusts, sweeping into this week like a scourge, decimating within seconds what has perhaps taken a lifetime to create, taking what was once fertile and making fallow, what was once brimming with life, a hollow wasteland of endless shadows haunted by the grim specter of death! So did anybody else get stuck at the Subway off of Highway 6 this afternoon? Standing in line with coworker Joshie, my tummy already twisting itself into a food deprived pretzel, a woman, who must've parked her spaceship in the back as I didn't see it in the parking lot, was arguing over what amounted to a 90 cent overcharge on her Subway gift card. I looked at the other 12 people in line behind this nitwit and assumed we were all on the same page: Grab this "person", roll them up in a carpet, load "it" back into its spaceship and send it back to whatever galaxy it was from. Sadly, those mush-mouthed sad sacks didn't translate my raised eyebrow and subtle hand gestures for "Swarm! Swarm!" and we all stood in line as the Subway attendant and the slack-jawed extraterrestrial debated the merits of a currency based economy and whether we should all scrap it for Thunderdome-styled bartering. As I began composing various bawdy limericks to be chiseled upon my tombstone, as I knew I would die of old age in this Subway before the gift card discrepancy was resolved, reason reigned supreme and the 90 cents was added back to the gift card after a plucky sandwich maker was able to hack into the federal reserve's mainframe. Is there anything the movie "Sneakers" DIDN'T teach us about plucky resolve?

Speaking of "people" with plucky resolves and an unhealthy distrust of unnecessary quotations, Purchasing dynamo/sluggard Patrick Augustine sent The Blog these awesome velodrome-inspired fashion stylings from GQ. The good news? Capes are the new black for 2010. The bad news? RAGNAROK!!!

By the way, just in case you've been living under a bridge, scaring small children like some common troll/Patrick Augustine, Hawley is the first distributor to get the new Polar Bottle designs for 2010. Originally named, The Barkley, The Jordan, The Bird, The Johnson, The Malone, The Drexler, The Ewing and The Pippen, Polar has since renamed them Rave, Manga Bear, Rose, Liquid Motion, Techno Tiles, Gizmo, Big Bear and Murray Schulman (AKA "Platinum") after their "Remember The 1992 USA Dream Team" campaign was scrapped for the "Let's Not Do Anything Outlandish" campaign, which should be EVERYBODY's campaign for 2010....

Give In To Deliciousness

Monday, this is Bojangle's Bacon, Egg and Cheese biscuit. You two behave yourselves...Apparently this weekend, many folks were "racing" in "races" for valuable "prizes" and "parting gifts". Does my overuse of quotation marks intrigue you? Anger you? Confound you? Well then, my work here is done. Please read Hawley Company's co-favorite bike messenger Billy's account of his New Belgium Urban Assault experience and then read Hawley Company's other co-favorite bike messenger Dicky's account for two irreconcilable versions that will do more to confuse than to enlighten (this is pure conjecture as The Blog has read neither but will do so with his customary after-work cognac and custard-scented ether kerchief). As these two neer-do-wells careened through the streets of Charlotte, a few Hawleyites were at Bent Creek riding cyclocross bikes, wearing leis and sticking it to the presidential fitness challenge.

Never, ever under-estimate a 6 foot 4 man in a child's small New Kids On The Block tank top.Cane Creek headset engineer Jim Morrison. No joke necessary.Teenwolf: DEAD LASTIn the end, their efforts would be for naught as a plucky accountant would hold alllll the cards and wear the laurels! Teenwolf flatted twice while former Hawleyite Will flatted EIGHT times! In conclusion, some people search for death. Right around the 4:20 mark. She's cool as a cucumber.

Another Groundbreaking I-Phone App

Hey there bike shop owners and industry folk, don't forget to inquire within our sales department about Hawley's new "Order Cut-Off Notification" app for your I-Phone! Once downloaded, every business day when you hear Europe's "The Final Countdown" blasting from your phone, you have exactly 5 minutes and 11 seconds of triumphant stadium rock to enter your order. Ozzy Osbourne's "Running Out Of Time" can also be substituted for an additional 99 cents. If you miss cut off and need to place a new order, the New Order "Substance" boxed set app can be purchased and played continuously throughout the night until normal business hours resume. This is not a hoax.

PCC Kit Announcement

Tired of riding your titanium Moots road bike in Wrangler jeans and Myrtle Beach tanktops? Well, the Palmetto Cycling Coation has the cure for your denim-chapped posterior and shame-chapped everywhere else. It's called the 2010 PPC Kit and the deadline for ordering one is next Monday, aka June 21st. If you're a member, you get a gigantic discount! Even if you're not a member, buy one anyway and show your support for the group that's looking after cyclists' interests in a state that often forgets we exist. These kits come in both CLUB (Brantley) or RACE (Teenwolf) cut.

You Have Lunch, We Have LUNCHEON!

Brian Orloff of vendor powerhouse Sigma Sport is known by many names. Some call him Brian, others, Orloff, and a few refer to him as Brian Orloff (and the ultra rare anagram "Born For Fail", first seen on his kindergarten report card). Around these parts, he is simply known as "The Man Who Saved Lunch on June 16th, 2010". Apparently, Mr. Orloff, still reeling from the effects of an all-night ether binge at Clamdiggers, mis-texted a missive to Sigma product manager Sandy Emmanuel this morning along these lines: "Sandrew. Yo. Gonna blow up tha spot with like, i dunno, 33 pizzas for Hawley. Peace" 9 hours later, a line of pizzas not dissimilar to Hannibal's war elephant caravan through the Alps descended upon the "S" aisle in the warehouse to raucous applause and cavorting. King Edward, shipping department Noid, danced a furious jig then consumed an entire bottle of Stan's sealant in his excitement and is now tripping the light fantastic as these words are typed. In honor of today's event, we have a created a Sigma Pizza Mandala to honor Brian's generosity. Grazie!

Pay careful attention to the lumbering figure in the background. His name is Adam Rickard. He works in the shipping department. He is, seriously, seven feet and four inches tall. He weighs, 151 pounds. His parents are Kaminoans, the same folk who cloned Jango Fett. He likes to yell "epic!" at The Blog which never fails to elicit a guffaw...

Happy Trails, Will Gillette

Grand Junction bound....

Monday Rage-a-thon-free-for-all-palooza

The Decline of Western Civilization, a case study. Exhibit A: This weekend's top box office returns. Remember, good hard working folk are shelling out 11 dollars ticket for some of these clunkers. We're in big trouble people. Exhibit B: This headline from "salient web news source" Huffington Post. Seriously important! The hope for Western Civilization? Lobster rage fists, new Cardiff saddles and grips, the FATS trail system in Augusta and a worldwide protest against anything that needs anything from BP...

Georgio Faulknerleria stepped up his game and added the Cardiff line of leather saddles and grips for 2010, including the fabled wooden grip. The saddles are lovely bits of leather and brass for your favorite Mixte or bar stool. Tweed jacket and Holly Golightly vinyl EPs not included.Loading up for the FATS ride, the Thule 822XT Bed-Rider (CARR6155) is being put through its paces. My first experience with it and all signs pointed to "impressed by its simplicity and stability" yet disappointed with its lack of a midrange and fuzzy bass tones. Inquire within.

The Blog's Planet Bike Orion full finger glove (GLVE1427). The actual physical properties of a "glove" have slowly been replaced with flimsy, stinky strands resembling some sort of bird nest, if that nest was constructed on the set of "The Dark Crystal". Nevertheless, 90 percent of the fingers are covered from the elements and provide an olfactory assault beyond description to wake even the foggiest of heads. Below is what these gloves looked like 2 years ago...


You can't front on these bullet points, hugs and kisses from Sandy Emmanuel:

• Amara palm and anatomic slim gel padding to absorb vibration
• One way stretch terry and four way stretch-woven spandex body with woven Lycra forchettes for a durable, snug fit
• Ventilated mesh upper for cooling
• Silicone fingertip prints for increased grip (on hobo necks)
  

FATS (in beautiful North Augusta) is and will always be one of The Blog's favorite trail systems. Last week was a slog so Saturday's ride was almost cathartic in the amount of stress it immediately relieved. Suffocating heat and stifling humidity dampened our jerseys, but could not dampen our spirits as the mile after mile of rootless, bobsled-track-fast singletrack was mind bogglingly fun (as usual). IMBA Epic an hour from the house! How can you lose?

Cane Creek stooge Eric let's another "bib bomb" rip in Joshie's face.

Teenwolf gathers himself after the first half of the ride on his "wacky" Orbea. Teenwolf rode well and was able to keep his world famous temper in check. Seriously, you're always on eggshells around this maniac...

A simple reminder

of how important tires with reflective sidewalls can be when you're out and about...Kenda Kwick Track, the official urban tire of the Hawley burrito ride!!! TIRE7692
The World Cup is starting today. Judging from the acrid stench of my UCI mandated urine sample and the itchy red rash covering my backside, The Blog can safely say it has World Cup fever, and possibly blood poisoning. Have a frank and productive weekend...