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Thursday, August 21, 2008

SHINEY PLAQUE TIME: How to Reach a Record Setting Month (And Live to Tell About It)

The Hawley Company was abuzz this morning as Steve had scheduled a company-wide morning meeting at the receiving loading dock. Apprehension and fear were rampant! Marcus (shipping) locked himself in the food room "until this passes" and Jeff (receiving svengali) huddled in the parking lot, rocking back and forth whispering to himself "this is NOT happening! this is NOT happening!" Even Ian's tuneless whistling and cockney innuendo was replaced with "By the ghost of Michael Caine, don't this pickle me puddin'! Blacken yer boots guv'ner? Two pence? Eh? Eh?" What could be the reason for the meeting? Bad news about the warehouse expansion? Mass-firing and execution of the sales staff? Ritual sacrifice to the Earth gods to ensure a healthy wheat harvest this fall? We JUST had a sacrifice last week to honor some sort of lava monster that lives out back (his name is Phil, he's made of lava and he creeps everybody out). Sacrificial goats don't grow on trees you know... not like they did eons ago when Neanderthals roamed the earth in search of fire, the wheel and the one known as Brantley (OK, he's old people, get over it). So with a near-riotous mob of employees assembled and with Troy in the middle of throttling a goat to death, Steve walked in to deliver the bad news. But it wasn't bad news! It was good to great news! In July, the Hawley Company reached a record-setting mark (in sales, not Centipede) for the first time in recorded history (how's that for redundancy)! In addition, a key component to the burgeoning sales, Miss Judy from accounting was honored for 15 years of magnanimous service to the Hawley Company. With the grace and aplomb that is inherent in our social betters, Miss Judy humbly accepted her honorary award noting that "this is for all my homies in lock down!" After some hugs, Derrick (Hawley lamaze class) with a little help from Miss Judy accepted the record-shattering plaque for "all my ladies in lamaze class!" The plaque has every employee's name inscribed on it for eternity. Tony Zanca (inside sales) is listed last. Aaron Aardvarkenstein is listed.... next to last! Aaron Aardvarkenstein is a gerbil. This gerbil. Steve thought it would be a good idea to list employees by cognitive intelligence instead of alphabetically. I agree! So after we wrestled Troy away from the sacrificial goat, coaxed Marcus out of the food room and convinced Jeff that the world was not ending, it was back to the world of bicycle parts and FREE LUNCHES!!!!

Left to Right: Steve Hawley, Miss Judy, The Wizard of Lamaze

1 comment:

Palmetto Solo said...

Great job - Now get back to work you pansies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!