Handmade Bike Show Receives 9 Billion in Stimulus Money, Still Plans On Filing For Bankruptcy

For those of you too busy or too poor to attend the NAHBS, you can follow it here and look at all the pretty frames. Sorry for the brevity, but The Blog had a rough ride into work this morning. Why is there always a headwind? Why? So tired, so very tired. So whiny, so very whiny. Have a nice weekend peons. 72 today, then snow on Sunday. Does it get any better than this???

Lazy puppies! Might I interest you in a Storck, or a Super Record group?

Not Really A Post: More Silly BMX Video For Early Friday Morning

Gabe (inside sales) reminded me of Scotty Cranmer and the fact that he is a Jedi and is also Dave Mirra's daddy and well, see for yourself in pixelated glory. A word of warning, turn the volume down. The music is disturbing, to say the least:

Cycling Related "Things" Of Interest To Joshie And Kyle

This interests Joshie:
This interests Kyle:
(from Pedal Consumption)

This interests The Blog:

Backyard Adventure Fail

An Offroad Metric Century Is Mathematically Equivalent To A Denny's Place Mat

The above statement is one hundred percent fact. Do not attempt to disprove it through empirical means. It shall be a fruitless undertaking. Instead, please stimulate your near-dormant lump of tissue you call a brain with a simple child's puzzle (the puzzle is simple, not the child). This one is simply called "Backyard Adventure". The Blog shall consider successful completion of this fiendish, Daedalusian labyrinth as training for the Sumter Metric Century (MTB!). Why? The answer is simple in its complexity: SORBA has eschewed maps and cue sheets for Denny's styled child place mats. Local landmarks have been replaced by "Mt. Grand Slam", "Fort Fry Basket" and "Something Vomited In The Denny's Urinal Last Thursday And It Is Still There". If your map reading skills aren't up to snuff, then purchase a Garmin (they're on Nasdaq for Pete's sake!) from us, post haste! They are small, portable and all-knowing. Soon they shall be sentient beings, living among us, leasing cars and complaining about their coworkers in an eerie display of human behavior. The Garmins will kill us all. In conclusion, The Blog shan't be dining at Denny's in the near future. That is all.

The Blog does not condone "Ole Timey" behavior, like snuff abuse or GPS mongering:

Dat's Nuts!

Poor, poor David Zabriskie. The professional cyclist, bon vivant, man-about-town, cosmopolitan playboy and proprietor of DZ-Nuts came home from the Tour Of California to find his house ransacked. What is the world coming to? And to think this happened in the Beehive state, a place where moral and ethical righteousness permeate everything! So in conclusion, The Blog has nothin' to offer today! Here are some other celebs who have been robbed, in order of importance. That is all.

Celeb 1
Celeb 2
Celeb 3
Celeb 4
Celeb 5
Celeb 6
Celeb 7

Parr For The Course

Parr Road that is! (insert crickets and tumbleweed). The Blog gladly participated, at gunpoint, in a 4 hour ride along the fabled Parr Road route in the hinterlands of Northern Columbia. Leading the ride was local yokel and cycling enthusiast Toby Porter. Toby is a good, honest, morally-dubious gentleman whose riding skills are matched only by his ability to instantly change his skin pigmentation to match his surroundings, similar to a chameleon. Fellow Hawley employees Will The G. and Kyle mixed it up in the skel-oton (a peloton with less than 8 riders) with Cane Creek engineer and pigmentally challenged Jim M, ruddy-cheeked Kel B. and child-minded Brian Hackathorn who drove from Charleston, in his words, "to escape the bad men who want to tickle me!". To keep this tale short, here are the highlights: 30 mph headwinds. Swirling crosswinds. A dog who was searching for death. A dirt road section. Zero traffic. A desperate longing for an I-Pod. A silly climb up to a radio tower. Multiple clothing and base layer modifications. Actually riding my bike for longer than 1 hour (the Blog's commute time). The Blog looks forward to the next group ride in 2012. It shall be a joyous event!

A rough approximation of the ride route minus a few miles:At a rest stop, Brian regales the group with graphic tales about his hobo killing spree in the mid-nineties. The Blog respects his honesty and candor.. and his prowess at dispatching hoboes!A visual testament to the lack of traffic. Here we are riding down I-26, at rush hour!!!
The pastoral canvas of unused farmland and life-affirming power lines. Behold its glory:

$Money Mark$ Mixes You Into The Weekend

Mark (shipping overlord) takes 6 seconds out of his schedule to give The Blog a little taste of his new mixtape, "Red Bankonia Drive By: Reckless Eyeballin' Confessions". Not sure what sort of critical response these new beats will get, but when it's comin' at you that hard, and that raw, how can one not profess one's love of that gangsta elixir:



Speaking of gangstas and reckless eyeballing, Sandy dropped some commuter light science on me, on the "super down-low tip" (to borrow a phrase from Anthony Trollope). Please sneak a peak at the new Sigma Micro Light samples not quite ready for primetime. Patience my pretties! They shall be on the streets sooner than you think...

Top Of The Mornin'! Last Cross-Related Post Until October

Take a cassette tape of an adult speaking English. Now reverse it and you have a perfect replication of the Dutch language. Now add some dudes on bikes in the mud and you have televised cross racing! Visit this site, sign up for free, make some waffles and "expand your minnnddddd". That is all.

Spacer Oddity

The history of the headset spacer is lengthy and colorful, if not somewhat over-aggrandized by the modern media. The history of the new Eleven81 white headset spacer has yet to be written, but when it is, the Blog thinks it shall contain at least one reference to David Bowie. The reference (written in ancient Sanskrit) shall be hidden within the bullet point text and when discovered several centuries from now by archeologists from an alien world, its incantation shall resurrect David Bowie. But not happy-go-lucky, androgynous, "Space Oddity" Bowie, but creepy, androgynous "Labyrinth" Bowie. And upon his reemergence in the 38th century, Bowie shall greet the aliens with pompous disdain, ignoring their entreaties for friendship and the breaking of alien space bread to sup upon, thus giving the human race a reputation of "snobby cross-dressers" throughout the universe. Then Bowie gets started on the screenplay for "Labyrinth 2: Looney Tunes Hip Hop Summer Camp Jamz!" and the space time continuum collapses upon itself. In conclusion, the new Eleven 81 white headset spacer is an economical way to spruce up your cockpit!

For Your Consideration

Seen upon the mean streets of downtown Charleston, SC:


A nice blend of Brooks leather and Velocity burlwood! (photo credit to Colin)

Tricky Dicky Needs Your Vote

The Blog kinda (most definitely) spaced on (purposely ignored) this one but endurance 29er-SSer-nutcase-Pol Pot sympathizer and Bolt Brothers (a Hawley dealer! yay!) sponsored racer Dicky "Rich" Dillen is in the running for a spot at the Breck Epic stage race. It's quite simple: go to the site and vote for Dicky. Then you read his blog in a month and see if he won the spot. If not, you have the Blog's blessing (strongarmed encouragement girded by nightly bed-wetting fits) to heckle the poor lil' fellow (troll baby) until your vocal chords are "raw and severed".

Great Moments In Partial Differential Equations

The "Scooter Principle" assigns value, via Brownian Motion, to Muppet Baby plush dolls listed on Ebay. When recited repeatedly on President's Day, it has the potential to materialize a cruiser bike from the cold, lifeless regions of Innerspace. Then Martin Short kicks you in the crotch... repeatedly... with extreme prejudice. Chris in receiving found this cruiser at His House thrift store. Five dollars!

"Yo, we divide cakes to rise the stakes!"

Brittany threw down the gauntlet with this masterpiece of Versaille-styled decadence. Breakfast is indeed the most important meal of the day:

Flats All, Folks!

(An early rendering of Bib from the 1940's reflects Michelin's controversial stance on Germany's invasion of France in World War II)

Old Two Notch Road is the scourge of all bicycle commuters. The Blog has had 4 flats on this 2 mile stretch of road while on the other 16 miles of its commute, a flatless goose egg! So of course Big Joshie would be required to flat on Friday's commute. Dang it all! That's what happens when you're in a Panaracer T-Serv state of mind but living in a Michelin Pro 3 reality. Don't get me wrong, they're super-fast tires but come into contact with any particle larger than a neutrino and you're rolling the puncture flat dice! The Blog decided to document Joshie's flat for posterity's sake so that future generations may learn of and subsequently learn from our hardships... in the 21st century!!!

Joshie knows how to "get awesome"... with the ladies!(40 minutes later)

Rage Against Mr. Clean

You like Sram eh? Well suckle my pretty, suckle upon the proverbial teet of this industry wetnurse until your belly is engorged like Jose after a Zaxby's raid! Vuelta is okay too.

The real purpose of this Vuelta picture is to demonstrate the extraordinary visibility of Ian's chrome dome from 100 yards away! Look at that thing as it shines with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns! Unless you've been living under a rock or the floor boards of a rustic cabin in the woods inhabited by libidinous teenagers, you probably know him as the cockney accented voice of the Hawley Service Center. Combining 30 years of pro motorcycle racing, 30 years of extended hospital stays, suspension and bicycle know-how with an unintelligible North London accent reminiscent of Ben Kingsley in "Sexy Beast" or Michael Caine in freaking anything, Ian has turned suspension service on its pointy little head. Not to be outdone, Troy (inside sales) heard the calling of the razor and joined the "Well, Why COULD'NT They Be White Supremacists" Club with the speedy decisiveness that Troy has never been known for. It's 70 degrees today so to all our riders still in the icy clutches of winter.... [edited for content]!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Troy asks Ian for some help dialing in his hydraulics brakes. Ian questions Troy's sexuality then lets loose a stream of obscenities for a good 40 minutes:

They have matching Black Sheep Cycles t-shirts! Are you kidding???

Where Theres A Will, Theres A Way

The Blog's commuter route is crammed full of tasty, commuter lane goodness! These lanes are great for keeping cyclists safe (mentally) and for angering aggressive commuters in their SUVs who shake their heads and mutter "My taxes pay for these lanes?". But this is no place for SUV bashing. It is a place for thoughtful discussion. It also a place for bashing. Once across the Blossom Street bridge, the bike lane is suddenly cordoned off by a phalanx of slender construction barriers. There is an electrified sign but its message is a mysterious pixelated line. Perhaps it's a portentous warning? The construction barriers appear to keep traffic away from the lane. But upon entering the barrier "channel", The Blog realized that construction had commenced on some sort of sidewalk hybrid. The barriers were meant to keep cyclists out of the lane and push them into vehicle traffic. Obviously for a rider with mad skills like The Blog, these barriers don't affect the ride. However, there are tons of cyclists who use the lane everyday who may be spooked out by the close quarters in the barrier channel (I'm talking about the weird dude on the hybrid with the Jurassic-sized panniers. You know who you are!), swing out into traffic and then get smacked by a sorority girl in a Toyota Forerunner on her way back to University Commons. The Blog assumes this new bike lane disruption is related to the construction of a new bank (awesome eh?) whose property runs along the bike lane. We shall see what happens with these barriers.... we shall see!

Hmmm, this looks like lane-related weirdness ahead:
Ah ha! The culprit for the giant, skinny candy corns:

The Will! Where did he come from? The Blog could've jumped on his wheel and ridden to work in record time, but there were, uh, more pictures to be taken!:

For Your Consideration

Herb "Your Enthusiasm" Mantel clued the Blog into this bit of silliness from The Icycle:
(images shamelessly appropriated from MTBR)

Storck Van-ity!

A thousand pardons gentle reader! The Blog forgot to post pics of the newly completed Storck Bicycles World Tour Tactical Assault Vehicle. Andy insisted on adding two Thule bike racks and a couple of their largest storage boxes to help cut down on the gas mileage and drive thru maneuverability! Box one is for Andy's bootleg Ed Hardy t-shirt collection. Box two is filled with hair gel. Brittany then sticks a keg tap into its side, dispenses two handfuls and rubs the precious ointment into Andy's hair every 10 minutes. If not, Andy will die. On a related note, does the Vanderkitten logo look like a certain Sram catnip-loving tuxedo cat featured in previous posts??? The Blog will take its royalty check in Kit Kat bars... Vanderkitten management! That is all.

The Advantages Of Commuting With A Camera...

USC Footbridge 'round 6:40 AM!

Commuter Bike Of The Week: Sign Of The Apocalypse #24

Continuing this year's "Signs Of An Impending Apocalypse You May Have Missed", we present sign #24, Andy Hale (Storck Mouthpiece, Office Pest) riding into work, on a Storck no less! Andy now qualifies for the Hawley Company's commuter reimbursement program as well as package stimulation (i.e. stimulus package) from an unlucky member of our shipping crew; Haz-mat suit and cyanide pills are not provided. Apart from Andy riding, perhaps more disturbing was the early nineties Euro-techno blasting from his headphones. Who rides to techno??? Who dances to techno??? This guy:

Nokon cables! Fizik saddle! Sram Force! Mavic wheels! Techno!

The Fax Machine Is Just A Waffle Iron With A Phone Attached To It!

The Blog's flight back from the Grammys was canceled (I accepted an award for "lifetime achievement in the field of enhanced R&B synth bass" I dedicated my honor to Gerald Lavert and Teddy Pendergrass) so today's post will also be canceled. Please feel to peruse Dicky's blog and read about "The Most Horrible Thing Ever" with a touch of Jeremiah Bishop bashing or Billy's blog and get your insight into the Charlotte bike messenger scene's very own Hunter S. Thompson/Rue McClanahan. If that doesn't float your boat, take a gander at Jeff's blog and see the art of "unnecessary self-portraiting while riding" taken to strange new heights. Most importantly, don't forget Cute Overload! That is all.

This sickens me:

For Your Consideration

Spotted across the pond at WC race:

"Chill" Ride...

... ruined by yet another flat! Pretty sure the city of Columbia has a fleet of trucks that sprinkles barbed metal at every intersection on a daily basis. Pfft. At least the Princeton Tec performed admirably, as well as the orangyles!

Troy The BMC Owner=Hawley Pariah

A quick preview of Troy's new build that was shown last month (or was it the month before?). Please pay careful attention to the 'Merican Classics as they were custom built by a Cajun soothsayer, as per Troy's instructions upon ordering. Sweet sassy molassy! The best part is this bad boy weighs under 25 pounds, unlike Andy's bike. To quote Marv Albert: YES! Sadly the Blog is too old for 26 inch wheels and their bone-jarring nature...

Cat-niption Fit: A Smashing Success!

No need to thank me Sram corporation by letting me swim in your gold-laden coffers a la Scrooge McDuck, but this Red Catnip sack has taken the Blog's cat's physical fitness regimen to strange new places and will probably take your company to the pinnacle of the cycling world. Behold!

"Choices are the hinges of destiny!"- Sonny Landham

The Blog forgot to bring its Blog cord to hook up the Blogmera to the Blogputer and upload pics of the Sram catnip sack experiment gone horribly awry. Maybe later this evening after a good soak in the jacuzzi high atop the Hawley Blog megascraper? So to change subjects, the first and last cross race of the year is this Saturday at a muddy, nasty mountain bike trail in Asheville. So, which tire shall the blog afix to its wheel? Potential gnar shredders:

(l to r, clockwise: Schwalbe CX Pro (TIRE7490), Challenge Grifo (TIRE7540), Maxxis Locust (TIRE7658), Maxxis Mimo (TIRE76568)
Or should the Blog follow its prog rock impulses and run the ever mtb-trusty Kenda Small Block?