Chain of Command: KMC Just Barfed Up a Skittles Rainbow!

The Hawley Blog is a cruel, cruel mistress. Neither sickness, allergy attack, bodily injury or impending mental collapse is an excuse for skipping an update, so I have wrapped my still bruised and tender ribs in some Cinelli bartape, gulped down a few caffeine-laden Clif Shots and sat down to boldly go where no Hawley blog post has gone before. Loosely translated, we got KMC chains in and they're a little on the ridonkulous side. You like color? Well, COLOR YOU BADD because Carissa (aka Hurricane Carmen, aka The Southern Dandy, aka White Lightnin') has taken leave of her senses and brought in some KMC chains that will overpower your senses, leaving your head spinning as that feeble excuse for a pair of eyes in your melon head try and take in the overpowering hue tsunami (which shall henceforth be known as hue-nami, copyright pending sucka!) that is soon to be girding the drive train of your fixie, track, bmx, road, mountain or cyclocross bike. Red, white and gold should be here by August, but who freaking cares? We got Purple! We got Electric Blue! We got Hobo-Urine Yellow! And for you fashionistas, we have the ever popular Pink! Put the kettle on and call the neighbors over, it's a KMC chain freak-out!!!

Bruised Ribs

My ribs are bruised beyond human comprehension. Precious blood has been diverted from my brain to my lungs in a vain attempt to soothe the sharp, stabbing pain that occurs with every breath. Thus, the brain is on emergency power mode, barely operating with enough power to fire off a few neurons and synapses. Motor skills have been reduced to the basics. I eat, I breath, I have generalized motor skills, I have avoided soiling my britches (as of this writing). My speech patterns have been sporadic throughout the day, vacillating between simple sentences and paleolithic grunts. Pointing has become the communication of choice. In conclusion, bicycle- related pontificating must be suspended in these desperate times. Enjoy these highlights from www.cuteoverload.com, my only solace in these dark days...

Overwhelming Colorfast

Spotted then captured by Joshie at 24 Hours of Booty:

Do you see the Beto Baby Seat (BAST3050)? Holds a full-size baby or man-child. Do you see the man-child? Really?
Do you see the total lack of blogging inspiration for today? If so, then you're a liar. I'm very inspired to "bring tha pain" to the Hawley blog. You've just been served, courtesy of The Hawley Blog.

Warehouse Expansion Update!

From the construction site manager's blog, "Taboo Haiku: Construction Poetry For the Man on the Go!"

Concrete slab is done
Steel things are up in the air
We Are On Schedule

Dune buggy chassis
Painted like the Stars and Bars
Rocks my freakin' world!

The crew prepares to erect more steel girders:
The construction site in its entirety:
Chocolate makes me happy:
HOW DO THEY NOT COLLAPSE? NECROMANCY!!!
Future site of the new graphics department office. Can you see my cubicle? Silly! That IS my cubicle!
If Dracula bought a dune buggy from my grandpa, it would like similar to this one:

Weekending... Or a Weak Ending...

...to this week's blog installments? I don't know and I don't care. The only thing apparent as of this writing is that "everybody looks good in a Limar!" Check it:


Stay tuned next week for a fresh installment of "What Is It?" (mystery part provided by Brian in purchasing) , "Where Is It?" (as we follow hot on Rizzle's heels as he tracks down a missing crank bolt) and "What Was It?" as we do a post-mortem on Mr. Fish's "chicken" sandwich. How can you not read this blog?



"Stay crunk ya'll"

The Hawley Company's Inner Demons

Eleven 81 pedals at Carolina Fatz. Aggressive by nature, Eleven 81 pedals congregate in herds, muscling out other lesser pedals for prime retail grazing land....
Brain storming is a dangerous undertaking, fraught with peril... sweet, succulent peril. Around these parts, brain storming is even more dangerous because of the sweltering temperatures, the feral and somewhat carnivorous purchasing department and a never-ending accounting department candy bowl whose sugar laden treats leave the mind disoriented and exhausted. So it was with trepidation that we gathered in Action Station Tango-Alpha (Derrick and Josh's office for the uninitiated) to come up with Hawley/Interbike advertisements, as the last brainstorming session left me in the ICU for 4 weeks. "The horror... the horror" (heck yeah, I'll rip off big Joe Conrad)

Actual quotes heard in the brain-drizzle session and transcribed for your pleasure:

"If I wrote a blog. I dunno, it'd say: Today I woke up. Then I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich"

"Dave Carson is the only Hawley employee who could be pictured in pine cone form"

"Candy!"

"Let's just have half the page totally blank!"

"That exerciser ball gave me an idea. It's kinda weird"

"Well OK, so that means we're right back where we started"



"Hi there! I'm Dave Carson! I run the purchasing department at Hawley! In addition to that, I'm a pine cone... and yes ladies, I'm spoken for"

Off Track Shilling and Reflections on Estelle Getty

This barely counts as shilling, but when has that ever stopped this shilling juggernaut of a blog before? Anyhoo, everybody knows about Cane Creek track wheels and everybody knows we shill, I mean sell them so I figured I'd spotlight their wheels on an actual bike instead of the ubiquitous catalog-product shot. The wheels in question are the Track V's (part number WHEL70301 for those of you keeping score at home). Notice the lustrous blue anodized finish on the hubs! Now that's some home cookin', skink style! We hope former Hawley purchaser and current Cane Creek B-Boy Eric S. logs some miles on the Parkway this summer atop his new fixie. Speaking of fixed gears and B-boys, we're all gonna miss Estelle Getty. Mostly known for her stint as Sophia on "Golden Girls", those of us at Hawley have a special place in our collective heart for her riveting performance as Sylvester Stallone's mother in "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot". The cycling world has lost a giant.

Blue tires! Fresh! Platform pedals! Not so fresh (feeling)!
"Brrrppt! Brrrppt! Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo! Wakka wakka! Hmmmmmmmm. Boo ya!"
-Estelle Getty's acceptance speech after winning an Emmy in 1991.

Happy Belated Birthday to Jessica and a Few More Asheville Bikes

"I ate this cake and now I got full blown diabetes... and then came the tummy ache"
This post is a somewhat belated birthday wish to significant other and significantly better half (better at runnin' her yapper! zing! zing! oh snap!) of Josh Baker (Graphics), Jessica. More importantly, this post is something of a love sonnet, a votive pledge and a supplicatory vow to uphold all things related to birthday cake and the deliciousness inherent within all cakes of a celebratory nature (with the lone exception being "Get Out of Jail Soon!" poundcakes which have 12 inch long files baked into them). Never one for understatement, Josh "took the cake" with an eight layer monolith to tooth decay and diabetes that can only be described as Jurassic. It weighed 68 pounds, used 51 eggs, 27 pounds of sugar, 16 wheel barrels of icing and cost 12 immigrant laborers their lives during its construction (our prayers go out to their families). Not to wander from today's blog post title, the second part of this post showcases a few of the interesting bicycles and bicycle components we saw hanging around the crits with the usual commentary:

A racer from Charlotte sits astride his Storck, CD 1.0 weighing his post-race brunch options. Needless to say, he had the Eggs Benedict.
A twelve year old whipper snapper rode this Chinese fabricated Orbea in both Junior and Cat 5 races. Now that's what I call good old fashioned child abuse! Notice the sweet Deep V rims. Yeah, we sell those puppies! And oh yeah, he had the Eggs Benedict.
Here's an Industry Nine road hub. Totally rips off the Shimano 105 hub!
A random Jittery Joe's team frame. I have nothing positive to say about this picture. Do you? If so, send your comments to jsnyder@hawleyusa.com with the subject heading "eggs benedict"

Adventures in Asheville: Selling Your Organic Hippy Dreadlock Extensions in a Buyer's Market AKA Teenwolf Versus the Omnium

Friday afternoon, the Hawley Company saw its very own Teenwolf Zanca (inside sales) enter his first Omnium ever, the French Broad Cycling Classic. Expectations were high until 40 minutes before the opening time trial, Teenwolf looks over and asks "Why do I do these things?!" I assumed his lack of motivation was a result of bad nutrition or some sort of hippy magic (we were in Asheville mind you!) and NOT 100 percent apathy so I suggested he stuff another peanut butter banana sandwich in his face. Chewing food is a great way to stifle a cyclist's incessant complaining and self-doubt. Worked for Armstrong. Worked for Pee Wee. To make a long story short, Teenwolf finished mid-pack (pun intended) in the TT, conserved his energy and had set himself up for a strong showing in Saturday's crit. A celebratory meal at Papas and Beer Friday night and it was off to bed for Teenwolf, to dream of crit victories, unicorns and other things he'll never see. Saturday had the team bus in the sleepy village of Brevard, home to Hawley customers Sycamore Cycles. Unfortunately a visit was not in order as we had racin' to do. Crit racin'! Sweet horrible crit racin' that sullies the soul and nourishes our basest desires! The course was 4 fast turns with a short downhill and a power climb up to the finish. Teenwolf was positioned well and missed a solid 2nd place by a couple millimeters (finished a respectable third, but should've had second... hint hint). After that, it was a quick tour of Asheville with stops at more Hawley customers: Carolina Fatz and Biowheels. You can't say enough about both shops. Tons of great bikes, great employees and great Eleven 81 pedals! Then what followed could best be described as senseless food debauchery of Caligula-esque proportions as Teenwolf consumed (inhaled) 2 gigantic hamburgers, a basket of wings and several sweets from a local chocolate emporium. Looking back, the menu choice was ill-advised for Sunday's exertions, but as director sportif, I shoulder most of the blame. The rest of the blame is squarely on Teenwolf's shoulders. Self control is the hallmark of great champions, like Lance Armstrong, Pee Wee, this guy. So with that foreshadowing, it's on to Sunday's crit in Asheville. A tight 3 corner course would ensure plenty of sweet crit action for both riders and the dozens of cycling fanatics lining the sidewalk(s). Teenwolf stayed in front to avoid the usual pandemonium in the back but as a rider broke off with 10 minutes to go, the chasing group couldn't make up the distance and it was a chaotic sprint for second. Citing stomach issues (really? he only consumed 45 ounces of feculent beef fat the night before), Teenwolf could only muster a respectable 7th. But guess what? That was enough to ensure the overall points lead and cat 5 Omnium title. At long last, the sportif's master plan was bearing the sweet fruit of victory! Take that Hippy Town! Take that Northern Carolina! Take that weird dude at Sunday's race who asked us where the coffee shop was when it was plainly visible! More tales of Asheville and all things organic to follow later this week...


Line-Up For the Brevard Crit!An Eleven 81 Sighting in Carolina Fatz. Look at that sexy packaging!
And another! Look at that crummy Wellgo packaging!
Interior of Biowheels.
Exterior of Biowheels. Director Sportif and Team Mechanic/Driver Pose for the paparazzi
Director Sportif pins on Teenwolf's number as Team Mechanic/Driver blocks the sun allowing for 100 percent concentration.
Line-Up For Asheville. Does the fun ever start???
The breakaway! Notice the other racers' bewilderment...

The Blog is Out of the Office Until Monday

Busy with the French Broad Cycling Classic today through Sunday. No post until Monday!!!

Product Placement: Gyes Leather Pannier Bag

The Gyes Leather Pannier (BAGS1630) sits, lost in introspection...
"And for the DJ on the go... by bicycle!"

In show business, creating a buzz is called "tubthumping". In the bike business, creating a buzz is called, "creating a buzz". For those of you who don't know or were too busy watching "Project Runway" the last three months (I'm looking right at you Marky Mark), Dave has brought in an economical alternative (read "good value!") to those overpriced Brooks saddles and bags that fall apart at the first drop of rain. It's called Gyes and if you know how to pronounce it, you're already half way there! Halfway way where you ask? To accessorizing your townie-cruiser-touring machine beyond comprehension. Don't have a radical 1960 Dawes Galaxy lying around your loft apartment surrounded by 13 other vintage bicycles in downtown Seattle? Don't have an uncomprimising 21st century urban chic fashion sense? Don't work as an urban planner or public relations liaison for a non-profit organization in a mid-size bicycle friendly city? Well, then perhaps it's time for some of that sweet, sweet Gyes lovin'! Oh yeah baby! And guess what, this pannier also comes in faux alligator skin (not available as of this blog entry). Tragically, it doesn't come in Jar Jar Binks skin. That freak single handedly ruined three Star Wars movies (well, ruined what was left of a once healthy franchise). Don't believe me? Here's a little taste from "Phantom Menace":
"Meesa caused mabbe one, two-y lettle bitty axadentes, huh? Yud-say boom da gassar, den crashin der boss's heylibber, Den banished."

"My no know. Meesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom! Getten berry scared and grabbed dat Jedi, and pow! Meesa here! Huh. Meesa gettin berry, berry scared."

So in conclusion, Jar Jar Binks ruined "Star Wars" and was turned into a Gyes pannier.

"Meesa an abomination! Meesa make George Lucas turn into alcoholic! Please kill messa! End meesa suffering!"

"Chill baby. Jar Jar gonna make everything all riiight!"

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

...Belongs to Colin (Inside Sales).

"Well she's a 2005 Lil' Rascal FR. It's built for bigger hits with 33mm
up front and 115mm in the rear. The Fox Float R holds up the rear and
creates a great pedaling platform on the climbs. Ape hangers in the
front to get you back for descending and a setback seat post to get your
hips out for those hard corners. The BB is a little low, but I'm willing
to sacrifice clearance for the low CG. Kenda 12"x2.125's keep the power
to the ground."
(from "Throat Singers of Tibet; A Comprehensive History" by Colin Tice)