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Monday, July 07, 2008

Tour De France and Other Things That Deserve Unnecessary Hype

The Tour De France is the second greatest French creation. The third greatest is Bridgette Bardot. The fourth greatest is um, well, a certain "je ne sais quoi". The fifth is runny, stinky cheese. But what is the Greatest French creation? The freakin' trebuchet!!! "But wait, isn't the trebuchet's country of origin highly debatable?" While it is true that several of the earliest versions of the trebuchet were seen in many countries throughout the world, the actual word "trebuchet" sounds French so in our book, that makes it a French invention. Okay? Got a castle you want to storm? Got a boulder you want to launch? Want to put your neighbor's ballista to shame? Need a more efficient way to fend off suburban Orc seiges? It's time for a little trebuchet action!!! Now with 50 percent more French smugness.

A fully operational trebuchet, complete with medieval toilers:
Stinky, runny, feculent French cheese. How can you not eat this???:
Bridgette Bardot. She was created in a French germ warfare lab. She also co-produced "Weird Science" (as a biographical documentary) and co-founded Deconstructionalism with Jacques Derrida.
Your neighbor's ballista and the main reason your children think you're a failure:
" Uh yeah, police? Phil Liggett just exposed himself to me... again"