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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Sportlegs, Handcrafted For Your Pleasure

Yesterday's post was barely related to cycling. Therefore, today's post is bursting at the seams with country-fresh cycling goodness. To start with (and probably end with as this is my only subject for the day), let me tell you about Sportlegs. First, I know absolutely nothing about this wonderful product we carry. I don't know what's in Sportlegs. I'm not a speed scientist but I'll guess it's some sort speed powder and/or dust. The powder (or dust for our European readers) is made through a top secret process (zombies), then refined (more zombies), then blessed by a Zoroastrian priest or mystical shaman (Dave Carson). The capsules are then carved by hand in the Sportlegs workshop. Just think "Santa's toy shop" but instead of those nasty, smelly, misogynist elves slacking about, the Sportlegs capsule workshop is full of hard-working man-children hobbit thingys, rescued from degrading careers in the freak show and Mini Me stand-in industries and given gainful employment. So anyway, each capsule takes 4 to 6 weeks to carve. That means, one bottle takes about 28 years to make. How can that be? How can Sportlegs deliver it's magical product to us if one bottle takes so long to produce? Well, there's a simple answer. Unfortunately, that answer is so simple it wouldn't fit on this page. In addition, words haven't been invented to describe the detailed astrophysical process that takes place so to make it easier to understand, just don't think about it. Instead, think about clouds, or zombies, or Dave Carson in his sequined mystical shaman outfit. Fast forward to this morning's commute and my first real attempt at "becoming one" with the Sportlegs and the magical speed powder in their painstakingly handcrafted capsules. Well, my commute, which usually takes 55 minutes lasted approximately 15 minutes. You read that correctly! I shaved off 40 minutes from my commute just by taking Sportlegs. Not to mention the 20 mph headwind, heavy traffic, flats on both front and rear tires, broken chain and balancing a full cup of coffee on my handlebars. Now that's a product that gets you instant results! (Results may vary with individual riders. Please consult a physician if speed powder makes contact with the eyes or fingernails. Sudden Lycanthropic transformation may occur if used for an extended period of time)

Sportlegs Capsule Workshop a.k.a. The Happy Factory:)!

4 comments:

Papa Wheelie said...

I'd say that's one heckuva product review. I'm buying my bottle tonight.

spokejunky said...

Yeah, but how does it work when you mix an Atomic Fireball with them?
On the serious tip, this is in my arsenal of pre-race OCD list. Three caps 45 minutes prior and three caps each two hour window. the Sodium/Calcium lactate in the capsules is supposed to overload your system so it doesn't make excess lactic acid during anaerobic activity. It has a good side affect in that the aerobic system uses lactate as energy.
Having said that I'll be available for proctology exams from 2 p.m to 5 p.m. today.

Adam said...

Find mortar & pestle. Grind atomic fireball into fine powder. Open a sportlegs caplet, replace pure sportlegs with 50/50 mix of sportlegs powder & fireball powder, reseal caplet. For best results, consume in multiples of twelve.

Anonymous said...

Can they be used as a Suppository?