return from my frontier travels -part I

Ticetea just flew back in, last night, after a 6 day binge of Absynthe, Indian hunting, and Thunderdome style cat-fighting (real cats). I managed to crawl from the storage container that I was squating in near the Seattle airport. After my pupils contracted enough to see, I ventured to a few bike shops to see what kind of trinkets they are pawning off as "The Good Stuff".

This little Gem was featured on a Specialized Slopestyle Steed (3 scatagory points). I assume this is for the rider who likes his chamois but still wants the chafing that only a slightly wet pair of "jorts" can provide.

This little "shred sled" was just waiting for the unsuspecting adrenaline junky. You can go head first and steer with your hands for the crushed vertibrae, broken wrist experiace or feet first for the "shatter a femur like bamboo". Personally, I would prefer to stand up and use ropes like the the reins of a stagecoach.

Burley is now offering a special "Tommy Pickles Customs" trailer like the one featured in his new music video "yo, smell my poopy diaper".

GM is offsetting thier emmisions per vehicle ratio with a new line of luxury Cadilac mountain bikes.

After I ran out of all the chemicals and liquids that I could huff or drink, I stole a motorcycle from a man with bleached hair and a glow in the dark necklace with a spider encased in it. If you had seen him, you would have too out of principle. I took to the desert in search of a transient that I could con into giving me one of his kidneys to sell. That would surely sustain me for hours.

The road ended before I could find a "willing" donor. I was quickly surrounded and subdued by a band if Wenatchee Indians. I would tell you the fun that ensued but that is for another day. Tooo beee continuuuued...

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My Malevolent Minions Make Monday Mornings Much More Meaningful

(A Skyway leans indolently upon a street post yesterday afternoon)
Good morning fellow wage slaves! Cheerio and all that from deep within the lavender scented recesses of the Hawley distribution compound and boarding school for Fauntleroys! I trust you had a weekend of merriment and joyous frivolity. The Blog's activities consisted of attending a small gathering of acquaintances to celebrate the impending nuptials of a fellow neer-do-well. Croquet, celery sandwiches and servant flogging led to the requisite riparian harpsichord recital concluded with polite applause and moist towelettes. Then came the cobra venom spritzers and the evening became a white-hot blur of ever-spiraling-out-control mayhem. Speaking of ever-spiraling-out-of-control mayhem, Hawley homeslicez Jeremy and Will went to the River's Edge Marathon race in Queeeeen City Saturday afternoon. According to Jeremy, Will took a "bit of a tumble" (wash out on a footbridge) which ended his race prematurely, but not before riding a titanium 1994 Diamondback 6 sizes too small for him (thank you Scorch and Herb) while Jeremy fared slightly better, dominating, nay destroying, nay scandalizing his class while scooping up a 3rd overall to boot! One can only look to Mr. Jeremy's scandalous new facial hair as the reason for his sudden boost in form. But wait, there's even more scandalicious news as Colin has returned from his weeklong sojourn in Seattle. What strange things did he see? What bizarre rituals did he see done... and have done to him??? Elk stuff???

Lezyne Merchandising Creep

Joshie creepin' on the NEW Lezyne merchandising display!!! Can you find him???

I'm Tripling Down, On the "Double Down"

More about the DOUBLE DOWN!!!! DOUBLE DOWN!!!! DOUBLE DOWN!!!!

More "Double Down"

Feast your eyes...

Important News!

Sorry but a cycling industry "insider" sent this link to me this morning with "HIGHEST PRIORITY" emblazoned across it. Looks like science, technology and the unfettered human imagination have finally done it: a sandwich that uses fried chicken as buns...
"Meet the Double Down"

FREE ZERO CANDY BAR GIVEAWAY!!! (Now that I've got your attention)

As if you didn't have enough going on in your lives:
Just a friendly reminder...

Fort Jackson-Eastover-Hopkins-Gettin' Lost-Ride: Country Grammar

Well, maybe it's time to invest in a Garmin 705 with City Navigator software (it's COMP6100 in case you're following along in your catalog!) as this past Sunday's road ride went from 50 something planned miles to 70 something not-so-planned-not-enough-water-bottles-ride. It was cloudy and sad, but then the sun came out and everything turned into a technicolor happiness tsunami! But that happiness had a warm, seedy, sweaty underbelly known as dehydration. Luckily I thought ahead and filled one bottle with Lemon Lime Heed (FOOD5060 for those of you still following along in your catalogs). Ah Heed, the sublime deliciousness of cat barf infused with plumber's caulk... AND it gets results (results may vary). So to make a long story truncated, The Blog missed a turn in Hopkins and refusing to swallow its bilious pride tried to navigate back to the original route on a series of backroads, each more sinister looking and crystal meth smelling than the last! As Jim Snyder put it, when the locals peered out at me from their lairs, they bellowed in unison, "MEAT!!!!!!"

Dupont: Makin' Tacos and Eatin' Nachos

Tripp "t-bag" Bagnall and I had a little jaunt at Dupont State Forest with weekend. I really cannot think of any way to reference, Predator or Native Americans. Just look at the pics.

"Does anyone have some queso dip?"

I was hoping to find Mogua and his band of Huron warriors behind the falls. Pickleshoes!!

Nothing like licorice jelly beans and melted fat-back over some low carb chips to rejeuvenate the body and soul. If only I had a liter of flat Cheerwine to quench my soul.

Tripp was still full from his meal on the trail. This looks alot like those prototype space meals we got from Jim.

Glutt-andy

Wait a sec, that title tried to pun off of "gluttony" but sounds like it's trying to hard. Confound it! You come up with blog post titles and see how it goes! Anyhoo, the always-wonderful Brittany and the rarely sanitary Andy sent these two images from their Storck Extravaganza Tour 2009.

The Calm before the storm:
The aftermath:

Friday Morning AWESOME and Friday Morning NOT-SO-AWESOME

In awesomeness, it appears Columbia is getting an all-night charity bike ride going in September AND it's happening at one of the more scenic locales in Columbia AND tons of Hawley folk will be there AND so will Toby Porter AND no guarantees on Toby showing up AND it's for a great cause AND one of the sponsors is The Blog's neighborhood shop AND it's cheap so why wouldn't you do it??? Click the picture for the lowdown.


In not-so-awesomeness-but-typical-yet-bizarre:

Silca Smooth

Ugh, no time for a post so please acquaint thyself with Kona pro racer Wendy Simm's completely rad headshot from the Kona website: Also acquaint thyself with Silca's equally rad if not even more confusing packaging for their disc wheel pump adapter. Got a disc wheel you need to get at with your pump, yet still wondering how to pose for your senior picture, as a woman???!? Wonder no more you lil' wunderkind! Let 'ole Silca packaging do the thinking for us, as it should be for the pea-brained and infantile. That is all.


And yes, they are indeed "simply the best". Seriously, did they steal that from The Blog's high school yearbook cover? SIMPLY THE BEST!

Package Thief-ery

Superchunk reference in the blog title, how profound! But I digress. Look, just because you're Honka Hoota, the biggest name in bicycle horn technology, doesn't mean you can take a published illustration and rip it off wholesale. Por ejemple, Honka Hoota's "Little Big Horn" comes packaged on a bright, colorful, somewhat vintage looking card (maybe it's the saloon lettering?) with a resplendent Custer on horseback and a perturbed, bloodlusting Union soldier flanking him. The image looked familiar so after some super-sleuthing, The Blog discovered the image in question was from Gregory JW Urwin's "The United States Cavalry An Illustrated History"! Zounds! But even more appalling was the exclusion of a soldier on Custer's other flank. A soldier who appears to be completely inebriated, wearing blue pajama pants with a feather stuck in his hat at a rakish angle. Is this what it's come to Hoonka Hoota, whitewashing the atrocities and rampant substance abuse in the Union army during the War of Northern Aggression??? Those who don't learn from history are bound to repeat it.

Oh yes, Custer didn't carry a bugle into battle. Usually a sabre and some sort of souvernir troll doll taken from the corpse of a fallen soldier but never a musical instrument. That is all.

The spoils of war. The one with blue hair is named Alex. Name does not denote gender:

MORE NARWHAL!!!

Serendipitous! Seconds after the last blog post, Dame Fortune blessed The Blog with this gem! Not to sound paranoid or Glen Beck-ish, but is Blogspot analyzing my post content and designing its advertisements to suit the prediclections and proclivities of The Blog? If that is indeed the case, why have I not seen pop-ups for monocle cleaning fluid or 19th century London orphan polisher? Blunderbuss clearance sales? Zepellin rentals??????????

Tuesday Morning Gnar, Then Nar

First, dirt road gnar with Eric in Asheville...


Second, gnar Narwhal. Get your unicorn on...

Monday Morning Moment of Awesomeness

We got some sample bike lights from Taiwan. Needless to say, minds were blown and heads exploded ("Scanners"-style) as we tried to decipher some of the warning labels. Apparently, according to the illustrations, your bicycle will emit a heavily concentrated beam of frozen ice once activated. Then, a giant vitamin pill will shoot straight at your eyes as you grit your teeth with a level of anticipation equivalent to that of "alien abductee steels himself for alien probe-a-thon". Also, is that hair or some sort of helmet? It doesn't matter because you've only got "500M" to live.Speaking of which, how many times have you installed a new timing belt or sink fixture, stepped back and wondered "Have I installed this succesfully?" only to hear the reassuring if not mysterious sound of "patter" and think, "Yes, I HAVE installed this Hello Kitty Island Adventure ceiling fan SUCCESSFULLY!"

Predator Theater Players: Disappointment