Burrito Night Success, Fail

Thursday night, the Schwinn cruisers were freed from their holding pens and the local burrito establishments were alerted to our imminent arrival. We came in force this time with numbers anywhere between ten and one thousand. There's a scene from a Simpsons episode where I think a rampaging horde of Homer clones sweeps through a cornfield and devour everything, including the lower half of farmer Gil's torso leaving behind a skeleton. Well, that pretty much sums up last night's burrito festivities. Complete domination. A murderous horde rampaging thorugh the streets similar to Manny Fraker's gang in "Death Wish 3" but with more murderous explosions but less whimsy. On the ride back, Josh outsprinted everybody up the Cypress Street hill in a Cavendish display of power (including the rude hand gesture). He destroyed his chain which is odd because 30 seconds before it happened, The blog could be heard chiding him, "If you keep hammering like that, you're going to break your chain!" As sure as the sun rises, Joshie will break cruiser chains. It is written, in stone, with a laser.... from the future. Remember folks, the company that burritos together stays together. Have a frank and productive weekend. That is all.

Conversational pariah Patrick Augustine....

"Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the world!"

Rachael at Palmetto Cycling Coalition sent word about this a while back, but it's only now that The Blog has gotten around to posting it. Sorry about that RK Rolling! Anyhoo, The Nickelodeon, Columbia's only theater for movies that don't involve blue bug-eyed weirdos in 3d or 1980's horror movie villains that weren't particularly menacing in the first place but are resuscitated for a demograph who weren't even born when these movies were in theaters which in turn makes The Blog feel a million years old (otherwise known as 1.5 Brantleys) is showing not one but TWO cycling related films this coming Sunday. "Contested Streets" examines NYC before automobiles and the possibilities of street reclamation while "Beauty and The Bike" examines why British girls stop cycling and its larger ramifications for transportation and cycling in general. The documentaries start at 2 PM sharp. Free bike valet and some giveaways will entice you inside while a post-screening panel discussion will keep you around. The Blog is still in negotiations with Rachael about my "seat post combat Octagon Of Death featuring Michael Bronson" exhibition in the Nickelodeon's parking lot. Details to follow... In a part related heads up, Gran Compe hubs have started trickling into the warehouse. As Brian pointed out, not the thickest flange, but buttery smooth bearings and relatively light weight. A little bevel on the edge of the flange takes unnecessary tension off your j bend spoke. Proper. The "blue" listed in the catalog is actually closer to a "aqua" or "turquoise". Oh wait, this is veering towards freaking "Avatar" isn't it? Isn't it?!?!Fresh ole bevel....

Hammer Of The Gods, Basement Of The Parents

In the world of Dungeons and Dragons, The Axe Of Dwarvish Lords first appeared in the supplement book Eldritch Wizardry. Forged long ago in the D&D world by a dwarvish king then subsequently lost in the Invoked Devastation and Rain Of Colorless Fire, the player who possesses it has all the powers of "sword sharpness". Additionally it confers on its user the keen eyesight and senses of the dwarven race, an ability to teleport at intervals and a weekly "wish" spell. The Blog likes its doubled critical hit chance in addition to its use as a throwing weapon. An added bonus is its extra damage inflicted upon goblinoid opponents, like that guy who worked at Foot Locker in high school that was one year older than you but looked like that weird nordic man-child from "Coach". Similar to IT Department Phil's mouse pad of infinite enchantment and whimsy, it does have negative effects on the user. Most notably, the user's appearance becomes more dwarflike (facial hair, girth, shrinking height, an uncontrollable desire to strangle Warwick Davis) the longer he or she is in possession of the Axe Of Dwarvish Lords. With this in mind brave warrior and Dorito-addicted social outcast, perhaps one should eschew the axe in favor of the hammer... OF PARK (TOOL63772)! Available only in "Horde Campaign Setting", Book of Artifacts, Encyclopedia Magica Volume 2.

Redesigned ergo grip keeps even the clovenest of hooves firmly attached during operation:

The dual material battle-head is made of non-enchanted rubber on one side for battling hobgoblins, kobolds, trolls and djinni while the Wisconsonian-forged steel side is effective against wraiths, manticores, chimeras, hippogriffs and rust monsters. Strength points can be lost if used against lycanthropes and displacer beasts. As with all hammers, both sides work with equal deadliness against cockney bootblacks.

The Hammer Of Park (TOOL63772) has been completely redesigned for shop paladins this year so acquaint thyself with its lustrous craftsmanship. Battle scabbard and orc gore remover/cleaner not included. The only shop hammer endorsed by level six cleric/wizard Jose Texidor. Once more into the britches!

To find out what D&D character YOU are, take this simple 126 question survey: http://easydamus.com/character.html

Props, Of The "Mad" Variety

First of all, The Hawley Blog's road racing buddy, the Portuguese Man of War, Tiago Machado, brought the pain and finished a cracking 39th out of 159 at the Tour Of Romandie prologue. Tiago is representin' for the Radioshack crew this season in Europe so let's all wish him the best. We have no idea how to speak Portugeuse so we'll leave it to our rudimentary Italian: In bocca al lupo! (figuratively, not literally). Win a stage and there's an Eleven81 tri bag stuffed with rancid Sport Beans in your future...

Before he joined the red, strapless dress wearers ("Cycle Sport" words, not mine) of Radioshack, we knew him in the unmistakable checkerboard kit of Team Right Said Fred...
Second of all, big thanks to our friend Katy at Hayes Brakes for the wonderful blue whale letter opener (it's like she knew one of The Blog's favorite books is "Moby Dick", kismet!). Great for openin' friendly correspondences, final notices, subpoenas and cease & desists, but even better for delicately cutting through Singleworks zip ties on saddle packaging. If you get a spare moment, feel free to peruse the stomping ground of her beloved Team Pegasus. They are good, honest, hardworking bicycle folk with a penchant for racing and an appreciation of the finer things in life. Also, be sure to ask Teenwolf in sales what Katy got HIM.
Thirdly, please acquaint thyself with George's new Pake cruiser (BIKE2000) with the necessary accouterments for dandying about town. A few mods here, a few mods there, a few mods here. It's that easy folks...
The black Singleworks cork grip (GRIP0532) replaces the stock brown...
Black Gyes saddlebag with brass buckles (BAGS1602) for assorted bobbles and trinkets...
The heavy duty yet elegant Soma Deco rack (RACK1200)! Michael Dorn, Star Trek the Next Generation's Worf says "I whole heartedly endorse this product and/or charity. Klingons rule."
Soma's Silver Bullet tail light (LITE6200) keeps the cruiser sufficiently retro while alerting traffic...
Eleven81 alloy pedals (PED6182) replace the plastic stock pedals. Nuthin' fancy...
An oft overlooked detail, the kickstand. We recommend the best kickstand in the world, KICK1005 from Greenfield, the leader in kickstand research and development.

Comeuppance

Well, The Blog has been inundated with emails, mostly of the hateful variety, concerning this lid versus lidless basket controversy, but I never thought the back stab would come from a family member! From The Blog's sister's email:

"I gave Jane (The Blog's eldest sister) my rectangular Nantucket because I missed the extra couple of inches of the oval basket, which is the same problem with the lidded baskets -- even though they are quite lovely, they’re too small."

Et tu, Brute? All right, play us out of here Airwolf-era Jan Michael Vincent...

Nantucket Basquiat, Part Deux

Well, Bloggie, you make some very interesting points. I certainly don't want Old Man Peterson to shred my happy new family of kittens, but allow me to retort.

Let's move this scenario a little closer to a large body of water. Perhaps you are riding along your favorite coastal battery with your new litter of kitties. Of course, they wouldn't know because they are sealed away, not allowed to enjoy the beauty and fresh ocean breeze of your coastal jaunt thanks to your lid equipped prison basket. As you gaze out into the calming surroundings, enjoying your cruise, you are unaware of the inhumanity you are about to commit. Suddenly, a perilous pelican, who oddly enough looks like Old Man Peterson himself, swoops by heading out to sea. Instinctively you swerve away from the winged creature, but only to have your bike roll through the battery barrier, as it is the only spot that is under construction for miles and does not currently have a railing but merely "caution tape."

MEOW!
Meow!
meow

Oh the humanity. Your poor, poor litter of kittens locked away in a basket cage, sink to their lidded abyss, unable to escape and you are left, floating in the cold ocean of anguish and despair.

now dear gentle reader, the blog does not deserve such an unrelenting rant as well, but please lets not cage items in a basket. kittens and small goods deserve to be free and enjoy the open air. Please people, let's show this Blog Ostrogoth basket lids are dangerous and open baskets are the safer, nay, the humane choice when it comes to cruiser accessorizing. Meow.

Nantucket Basquiat

Have we not learned anything from PET FOOD advertising shown during episodes of "Lost"?!

[Not to go on endlessly about a stupid basket but...]

Gotta address something from this morning.What's with all the basket lid naysayers around here? George? Joshie? These knuckleheads and their completely unfounded dislike for baskets with lids??? Open basket fetishists! I don't mean to "call out" anyone or shine the harsh light of bicycle part truthiness on the teeming hordes, but baskets with lids are the best thing to happen to Hawley since Spiced Pumpkin Pie Clif bars (now 20 percent less diarrhea-inducing). Here's the thing these philistines are missing. Not only does the lid keep things from jumping out of your basket, but it keeps nosey cyclerazzi from peering INTO your basket and silently judging you based on the contents (which may or may not include the May issue of "Cat Fancy" or a similarly named but totally different in subject matter periodical). What happens if you just adopted a litter of kittens, and you put them in your LIDLESS basket and then some flop-eared neighborhood halfwit darts out in front of you chasing a ball of some sort, and as you screech to a halt the momentum launches the kittens into the air and hurls them directly into the whirring maw of Old Man Peterson's wood chipper, which just happens to be running in his front yard 'cuz he's got a lot of dead branches and then the air is filled with the anguished screams of kittens?!?!?!?! Do you want THAT to happen? Are you a sadist? Do you want to scar that neighborhood halfwit forever? What about Old Man Peterson? DID I MENTION HE JUST HAD A PACEMAKER INSTALLED?!?!?! Of course not. Please people, let's show these Visigoths like George and Josh that basket lids are the superior, nay, the SAFER choice when it comes to cruiser accessorizing. In addition to this totally unjustified rant against two of the nicest people you'll encounter in the bicycle universe, one of the nicest companies in the bicycle Universe, Chrome, mailed us our "Turds For Gold" sneakers. For one day back in March, you could mail in a pair of your dingiest tenny pumps and get a free pair of Chrome sneakers for free. Over 5000 pairs of donated shoes were collected and distributed through the San Francisco chapter of St. Vincent De Paul and Soles4Souls. Hooray for Chrome and their altruism!

On a final note, speaking of altruism torch bearers, City Year is bringing a group of middle school students to Harbison State Forest THIS Saturday to help with some much needed trail maintenance. Any and all are invited to attend. Mad Trailage starts at 9:00 AM and ends around noon. Check out the good PCC folk's event calendar for phone numbers, details, etc....

Nantucket Basket Theater...

Nantucket Basket's Miacomet features a Khan-friendly lid, Kirk-proof leather handlebar straps, Sulu-esque brass buckles and neuron-gobbling earwigs for both young and old. Large enough for a severed Spock head, but small enough to not overburden the front end of your favorite cruiser... Inquire within....... our sales department!

First Burrito Ride of 2010; Pake Urban Cruiser Sighting

Hawley makes first burrito ride for year of 2010. There was much happy time on bicycle last night. For the having of beer and food with then the bluegrass musicing. The riding was enjoy and many smiles make for faces! Front gauntlet keeper Marcie, new purchaser Patrick Augustine and Karen make the debut on Burrito Ride. They do well! Weekend have much leisure! Yes? Yes?

Kelly riding the new Pake Urban Cruiser (BIKE2001) WITH Nantucket Basket Company "frontspiece". This is tha chronic! Fender integrated rear reflector is nothing short of the best thing in the cycling world for 2010.
Michael's uber-impressive trackstand on his Pugsley (yawn!!!!)