Ode To A Dinosaur Egg

More unusual product tomfoolery from Interbike. Today's offering is the latest bit of yumminess from Clif, the Clif Rock! Jim plunked it down on my desk and waited for my usual bout of verbal diarrhea associated with weird nutrition products. Well it didn't happen because for once, I was speechless...without speech. My first thought was, "Why is there a prehistoric dinosaur egg on my desk?" My second thought was "skee-bop-boo-dop-bop-bee-beeeee-bop-woo-weee" as I am prone to jazz scatting when presented with the mysterious. the unknown, the spheroid. Jim recognized my confusion and assured me (in scat) that the mystery dino-egg/rock was edible. Not only was it edible, but it was packed with loads of nutritional goodness that assists recovery. To be honest, the blog is freaked out...


Clif Rock in its natural habitat

Welcome Back To Monday

Not much going on in the hallowed halls of Hawley today. The purchasing crew arrived back from Interbike with glazed looks and tired brains, feeling the effects of 20 hour flights and interminable delays of Satre-ian levels. Want to hear an entertaining tale of airline travel gone horribly awry? Just ask Brian or Dave, although Jose's version is the best since it comes with a complimentary dessert voucher (what can I say, the man knows how to treat his adoring fans). Lowlights for the blog are as follows:
The new adjustable seat post collar from Miche furious George brought back. The inside sleeve adjusts to accept an alloy post or carbon post. Just rotate the arrow to your desired "setting" and you're ready to rock. Comes in Grappa and unscented.

From Sandy, a suspicious nutrition offering from Squeezy Gel! Why suspicious? Well, the packaging shows Levi Leipheimer in a Gerolsteiner kit. The blog isn't keen on road racing, but knows Leipheimer left Gerolsteiner a while back to play second fiddle to Contador. So the question is, how old is this bar of "joghurt kirsch"? The second question is, will I eat this for lunch? You bet your sweet bitty! (late ed. it was indeed older than previously thought, but that made it all the better, like a finely aged cheese or wine)
Although nobody the blog knows did the industry crit race, Cane Creek well-wisher and all around good guy/parts engineer Jim Morrison (yes, the dead guy) dominated MASH SF ringer Garret in the finals of the gold sprints. Flip flops, baggy shorts and a t-shirt that screams "I have no moral or ethical scruples" matched up against one of the most feared hipster-cyclist-messengers ever to come out of the city that gave us Huey Lewis, The Zodiac Killer and Margaret Cho! 1000 meters was the distance and according to the MASH blog, it was .10 of a second that separated them. So to loosely translate, East Coast punked West Coast in a retributive grudge match that could be loosely called "This Is For Killing Biggie Smalls You California Hippies!". Did Jim start a new East Coast/West Coast feud? I certainly hope so. I certainly hope so. Hawley got ya back J. Mo!!!

Jim gets in the zone while MASH guy tries to strangle himself
Jim claims victory for the East coast, and for all his souljas at Tha Creek.

Philip. Michael. Thomas. 'Nuff Said

Well, it's the end of another week at Hawley and we're all here, alive, and in one piece. That was a confusing sentence because it sounds like all of us are conjoined in some sort of massive Borg-ish (Borg-esque, Borgnine?) bicycle entity, a group collective of sorts. I can't give you a definitive answer to the status of what we've turned into, but I know we've removed the "women" and "men" signs from the bathrooms and replaced them with signs that say "Us" and "We" (Weeee!). But I digress.

"What's the mpg on that cube? Oh crap, you're gonna assimilate me aren't you???"
The weekend is almost here and that means it's time to ride your bicycle and pace nervously to and fro, thinking about which bank will go under Monday morning (or Sunday night). But don't let our impending financial apocalypse get you down. It appears, according to liberal muckraker "The Economist", that bicycle production has outpaced car production as more folks around the world look for transportation alternatives. Unfortunately, a large portion of those bikes are made overseas which doesn't bolster our domestic bicycle production and just adds to a growing trade deficit, but that's a topic for another blog. Now if only bike LANE production outpaced road and highway production...

(in the original picture, the cyclist is completely naked. WHY????)

BIG UPS to our friends at Burley trailers for clearly inspiring Tom Toles of the Washington Post (yet another left-wing scandal rag). It's obvious to the blog that Bush's trailer is actually a modified Burley Honeybee! Well Mr. Toles, if that is your real name, you and your liberal cronies will be hearing from our lawyers as well as Burley's! On a related and extremely salient note, the blog needs a Burley Flatbed trailer for 2009 if his dream of starting his mobile DJ-party-bike business is to come to fruition. Send cash and check donations to the blog. With your help, we'll keep the blog's neighborhood awash with the sounds of Great White and Phillip Michael Thomas through 2009... and beyond!
(ed. note: just because your neighbors listen to Maroon 5 doesn't mean you have to wage some sort of "bad music war". )
(the blog: Philip Michael Thomas's work deserves recognition!)


("Living the Book Of My Life", setting the standard since 1985)

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

You may recall, if you read this blog with religious dedication ("dedication", it's what you lazy slug of a landless serf's sheep turd may only dream of as you wile away the hours in your dial-up internet shanty... you share with six others) that Will "The G" (warehouse wunderkind) first began his long commutes to work on a Litespeed road bike. Well, those days are gone, long gone. "He bought an auto-coach of some variety? Surely a Levasser two stroke!" you may ask. Not even close you blathering spatherdab! It seems Master Will, at the suggestion of an anonymous benefactor, telegraphed the good folk ("folk", a polite way of referring to the cycling riffraff who ply their trade in the Vulcanic arts, conjuring fire and alchemizing metal in deference to a Roman god or two) at Van Dessel and said "Look here! I need a cross frame and I need it within a fortnight. If you can have it hear any earlier, I'll increase your fee by a shiny nickel and decrease the number of times my maple walking stick cracks your backside! I await your reply!" Less than a fortnight later, the Hole Shot (use your imagination, cretin) arrived by post and there was much rejoicing. A few well-placed employee purchases and Will had a cross-commuter fit for a king... or queen. Good luck with your surgery next week Will!

Notice the Planet Bike SPOK headlight!
Sram handlebar plugs and Truvativ crankset. Does it get any better?

Vulcan asks the Van Dessel workshop to "work harder" and "always dress for safety"

Car Vs. Bicycle... Round 3

Another week in Columbia, another bicycle related accident. This time however, the driver was not at fault and it appears to be "non-fatal". However, a blog must wonder what some folks are thinking when they spit out nonsense like this (from the "comments" section of a local news channel's coverage of the incident):

The Purchasing Staff Is Gone... Turn Down the Lights and Turn Up the Menudo

With so much going on within the nooks and crannies of the Hawley company in addition to the Interbike hysteria, today's post, in all honesty, lacks "quality" bicycle content. Nevertheless, the "quality" music-loved-by-the-blog content is through the roof. First of all, even though I'm a day late with this, it appears My Bloody Valentine has extended their one-off reunion at All Tomorrow's Parties to include 7 more North American tour dates. No shows in the Dirty South so a road trip might be in order. Let us all bow down at the altar of rawk. Also of note, Pavement has re-released "Brighten the Corners". Not their best album, but in line with previous re-releases, there are plenty of unreleased and live tracks to stoke a listener's interest. "What about the voice of Geddy Lee? How did it get so high? I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy?"... Also of note, is Pitchfork Music's list of "Worst Album Covers of All Time". Lots of mustaches and fuchsia, just like professional cycling. You've been warned.

Sunday was the inaugural (I would assume so) running of the Vista Grand Prix in the affluent and overly gentrified Vista neighborhood in Columbia. Hawley cohorts Teenwolf, Kyle and Will decided to put their money where their collective mouth is and sign up for the always exciting and always sketchy Cat 5 race. Teenwolf was on his Storck while Kyle rode a company loaner (it's for sale too!). Will went "all Belgian on us" and brought his Van Dessel cross bike. As far as the race was concerned, very little happened. A few sandbaggers ended up stomping the finish sprint. Teenwolf finished 8th while Will nipped a resurgent Kyle at the line. Most importantly, inside sales' resident nonagenarian (to the millionth power) Brantley showed up with his wife and daughter in tow! The old geezer reminisced about the glory days, and his disputed chariot race loss to Diomedes at the funeral games of Patroclus. "You shoulda seen me! I was a full length ahead of Diomedes with 20 yards to go when that whipper snapper threw sand in my trusty steed's eye, causing my chariot to veer off course, costing me the race! You want some of these pickled prunes? They keep the Tourette's at bay!" After a few more interminable anecdotes, including a prurient encounter with Toulouse-Lautrec at a Parisian absinthe parlor, we bid Brantley and the Vista Grand Prix adieu and returned to our homes to watch football and eat things of a fried variety...

Will rounds a turn while simultaneously getting awesome...
Mustache:1, weird Spanish dudes: zero...
"I made poop in my bibs... TWICE!!!"
Young master Kyle's loaner....
Oh my God, that pink frisbee is freakin' awesome!!!

"Interbike Is Not an Option... Plebians!"

The Interbike winds are blowing the Hawley crew to Las Vegas next week. Well, some of the crew as those of us in the trenches are left behind to fend for ourselves: cold, tired, naked..alone! But are we really alone? The simple answer is of "course not". The complicated yet duplicitous answer is "they have abandoned us, wholeheartedly and with extreme prejudice!". While they're lounging around the pool sipping colorful drinks and handling the latest in titanium this and carbon-fiber that, we'll be here knee deep in alloy kickstands and 24 inch Schrader valve tubes, feverishly prepping ourselves for the upcoming 2009 catalog tsunami with morning calisthenics, copious amounts of ole timey nerve tonic and fiery sermons demonizing the lazy and slothful. But we're not complaining. Sure, by the time our Interbike brethren return, the office will resemble a grotesque melange of "The Road Warrior" and "Lord of the Flies" (with a little bit of this thrown in), but hopefully the excitement of new vendors for 2009 and loads of free bike schwag will distract from the blood splattered walls, charred cubicles and crossbow arrow-laden sales department corpses strewn about the place as makeshift tombstones in the warehouse expansion construction site read "They died not in vain, but defending the freedom of the graphics department to eat freely from the accounting department candy dish".

As a piece offering to my mountain biking brethren, a sneak peek at some of Gaerne's new mtb shoes for 2009. Hot corn!!

Surprise! It's a Bike Race!

Teenwolf mentioned something about a bike race this morning. Well, the race wasn't this morning, but his mentioning of the race was. Where was I? Oh yes, so it seems the powers that be have decided to "throw" a crit this Sunday in downtown Columbia (the glorious Vista neighborhood to be precise). It's got the usually categories, payouts, etc. If you're keen on throwing down on the asphalt, you can visit bike-reg.com and make with the registering. I could care less but this is a thrown-bone to our road racing contingent lurking around the cubicles. Toodles

The Sockguy bomb dropped at Hawley last week. Reminiscent of those grainy test footage films from Los Alamos showing a giant mushroom cloud and a white washed building being flattened in super-slow motion as a slack-jawed Army private gives a thumbs up, the Sockguy explosion left the entire receiving department flattened in addition to its hapless purchaser/Oppenheimer surrogate, Sandy! After the wreckage was cleared, bodies buried, next of kin notified and socks sealed in plastic baggies, it was back to the business of the day, tickle party at Brantley's cubicle! Once the bi-weekly tickle party "wrapped up" (well, ended on its own volition) and Brantley was changed and bathed for his mid-afternoon nap, we got back to Sockguy. I'm literally hemmorhaging socks right now so I can only show a few of the "louder" designs brought in for '09. Crank up the David Bowie and proclaim your androgyny!


Like Pegasus taking flight from a slain Medusa, the Sockguy Pig soars to new heights of mind-boggling tackiness. A genocide of color and design, function and form, Sockguy has taken a hackneyed idiom and turned it on its head! "I'll wear those ugly freakin' socks... when pigs fly! Oh wait. Shazbot! I'll take 15 pairs."

Do you like pink? Are you flaming? Is your name Tony Zanca? Might we recommend...

These argyles are "cycling socks", but made for business as well as casual (you know, just lying around on your bearkin rug, sipping some Zinfandel listening to some light jazz). Heck, you can probably wear them to church next week as you and the pastor of your choice (choose wisely) do gold sprints in the pulpit as the congregation showers you with PBR and the occasional word of encouragement...

Special thanks to the Gap Band for inspiring this blog post... for inspiring every post

Things you need to know about Chuck Norris

Only $9.99 at Khols...

1. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice
3. Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person
4. Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages, he leaves warnings
5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris
6. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain
7. Chuck Norris can split the atom with his bare hands
8. Chuck Norris doesn't use scuba diving equipment, he just holds his breath
   

El Hefe: Insane in the BRAIN; The Search for SPOK-- Most Convoluted Blog Post Title... Ever

Saints be praised! El Hefe made Bicycle Retailer Magazine (THE periodical for bicycle retailers, way better than "Magazine Retailers on Bicycles") an offer they couldn't refuse a la Don Corleone and that loudmouth Hollywood producer and was given a little bit of print space and some free publicity. Don't fret gentle reader, no horses were decapitated! Back to the matter at hand, El Hefe and his ambitious 50th birthday commuting plan is laid bare for the prying eyes of the unwashed riff-raff, uh, we mean "literate public". News to the blog was El Hefe's wish that on his 50th commute into work he be accompanied by 50 employees! Great googily moogily! Can you imagine that motley phalanx rumbling down the road on every conceivable bike brand and model? If we get fifty riders together, the blog will do it completely nude, naked as a newborn baby. I have nothing to hide! Nothing I tell you! If my shamelessness DOES offend some of our more effete commuters, then I shall gird my loins in commuter lights and allow the 1/2 watt illuminations to conceal my shame! Wait, wait, wait... disregard that idea, for the time being. Speaking of El Hefe and all things commuting, thought I'd remind you of a few of our tailights. The days have started getting shorter so make sure "you got that rear end all lit up and stuff"!

Hands down the blog's favorite light for this year is Planet Bike's SPOK! It's a surprisingly bright 2.0 LED light that uses a velcro strap and also has a keychain hole. Use the penny to gauge its size and amaze yourself! Most importantly, the velcro works on fingers as well as the more traditional handlebar and seatpost. Perfect for your post-work rave freak-out sessions. Get a job hippy!
If you need something beefier and "louder", might we recommend the SWERVE? Buy it because the white toggle switch makes the blog giggle, like a schoolgirl.

I know nothing about this Sigma light. It looks cool so that's good enough for our rigorous quality control. I see Sigma is using the K.I.T. hood light design for 2008. Kudos, kudos!

The Sun Sets On The Hawley Blog

Well youngsters, it seems like lightnin' has done struck twice. Seems Joshie done inspired yet 'nother blog post. As you may recall, he was in yet'terday's post 'bout Craft hoodies and the what not with their warmth, comfort and Euro-aesthetic chic. Today, after lunch at a rest'rant that will remain nameless cuz it done gave me the gassin' and all the other junk that stinks up the outhouse (my desk), Josh told me "Listen. Let's have a '5 mile radius' section on the blog. You take a pic'er of somethin' cool or funny or Nascar/State Fair/Boiled Peanut/Ozzy related and then post that there sucker on the blog just as pretty as you please!" I stared off in to the yonder and after a couple hours I looked at Josh and says, "Dang it, that's a pretty good idea! Pass me a 'nanner and turn up that C and C music fac'try tape cuz it's time to get our dance on!!!" After the dancin' and Gonna Make You Sweatin' wrapped up, we set about lookin' for something worthwhile in our vi-cin-i-ty! Well, we found us a lil' 4 x 4 action that set our off-roading hearts a flutterin'! Have a nice weekend ya'll! (cue Hee Haw end credits music free-for-all)

Growin' Up in Tha Craft Hoodie

The black Craft hoodie. Perfect for casual wear or for a hermetically sealed fortress of solitude amidst a sea of office knuckleheads:

Ninja... American Ninja