Shredding the GWAR!!!!!!

Oh Gwar, what a fickle and old fashioned bunch they were. Though they have died out and we are left with only fossil records, we know that they loved three things and three things only: Spitting blood on people, Hershey bars melted over a block of cheese, and DOWNHILL!!! This rare and highly valuable photo shows that they understood the basics of the pressure suit; simple, light, and allowing a full range of motion. Oderus Urungus and the rest of his battalion of intergalactic justice were never actually pictured with their "shred sleds" but we know from the only living human that ever saw them....................Brantley, that they all rode Kona Stinkys and had mammoth skin versions of the KENDA Telonix, in a 2.4, of course. Funny, it just so happens that I ran the same setup with great success this weekend up at Snowshoe Mountain's opening weekend. But mind you, that was my only success this weekend....


I took a "Wrong Turn" and ended up in the back woods of West Virginia with nothing but my special edition Twilight DVD and a handful of Reese's pieces.

I managed to lure this boy in with the Twilight DVD sitting open with the special features disc exposed and I partially paralyzed him with the candy after I rubbed them on the back of a poison dart frog. He was so impressed with my backwoods skill and superb taste in Vampire movies marketed towards 15 year old girls, that he offered to show me the way to the "slidin' hill" as he called it. Thank you, boy, you are a scholar and a gentleman.

Hoping that my luck would improve, I ran across a "marine" from HALO in the parking lot of the Snowshoe Village. I tried to lose him by pointing out a health beacon on a hill and running the other way, but he was indeed too sly. I chose to embrace him as a brother and we shredded the Gwar together, high fiving after every sweet jump.

This was the only carnage I experienced. A little rock tumble and a housing pinch.

The "marine" a.k.a. Robert "sparks" Novack managed to crash and completely rip his shifter off. We could not find a replacement so I set the limit screws to single speed. On the next run he hit it again and blasted the limit screw out. After a ten minute floggin' with a piece of chain, I used a piece of cable to hold it in gear. He was a little more careful after I showed him a picture of his family and made the universal throat cutting signal.

This is not related but also not unmentionable. I saw this guy in the parking lot and asked if I could take a picture. He replied "sure, hop up on the seat and pertend yur ridin and I'll get one of ya". I declined.

This is Drew of the Clemson Freeride Team and host of the 2009 DH race. His companion, "Cranberry" is the rowdiest dude you have ever seen. I tried to take a picture of him but the camera burst into flames. I am still not convinced that he isn't a poltergeist.

This is Tripp "one-up" Bagnal making the wall ride beg for mercy. If not for his constant cursing and attempts to start a fight, he would rival the likes of Sam Hill and Steve Pete.

I didn't actually ride while we were there, as Jim suspects. But I cannot resist a realistic photo so I rubbed dirt on the frame and rolled around in the parking lot for that Xtreme look.

This is the "marine" sleeping in the same bed as Ed Harris. He kept me awake all night murmuring cheat codes for the rocket launcher and invincible mode. The man on the right is actually a transient who travelled under the name Bennett. He spent his time brandishing a dueling pistol and spoke of a lavish life funded by his swindling of local auto parts stores. He also rides with a 32 inch wide handle bar and has a supernatural ability to dissolve conflict between Native Americans. Unfortunately, he does not like Native Americans so he never uses it.

Camden High School's own Garth "Justin Timberlake" M is actually pedalling uphill in this picture. He is the only person to have to get behind the seat on a climb. He is that fast. Garth is also Justin Timberlake's stunt double and is actually Jessica Biel's Boyfriend. For the sake of publicity, she is seen in public with Justin but her heart belongs to Garth. You are a hero to us all. Don't fight it.

think what you will............

Adventures In Crown Race Setting

This isn't a post as it is more an airing of grievances about my own lack of coordination. Actually, it's more a warning, in hindsight, to those bike folk who cannot wield a hammer. I'm looking right at you Andy Hale. To make a long story short, I borrowed the CRS-1 (Crown Race Setter) last night (Joshie was my witness) to install my 110 crown race onto my new White Brothers Rock Solid. Don't know if it was the low lighting in the room, my cat Mimi's serpentine windings at my feet or a general lack of concentration and focus, but as I brought hammer down to meet CRS-1, the hammer glanced off the top, striking me in the hand/thumb and eliciting a bellow of pain which sent poor Mimi scurrying to her "safety spot". The lesson: never work on your bike, ever. Just take it to a shop or ask Joshie to do it or pull a Will (purchasing) and never replace or fix anything. As I sat on the couch nursing my wound, I started thinking how awesome the CRS-1 really is. It's basically just a brutal killing thingy masquerading as a "bike" tool.

I've always used a handy pipe for CR installation, but if you're a workbench completionist or Park Tool fetishist, er, collector then one would look to the CRS-1 as a natural addition. Three 1" inserts and three 1 1/8" inserts-color coded! Fool proof! Blog proof! And yes, Mimi came out of her safety spot. Then she chased down a bug and ate it. The End.


"You call this mint condition? I shall trade you a Krusty burger stained Little Lulu #423 for your sub-par offering!... Get out of my store."

Old Dirty Basket

This morning's post is a hodge podge, a Sanford and Son's junk sale crammed down a horn of plenty constructed out of the flotsam and jetsam culled from the blogosphere and parts unknown! Huzzah good sir!

Firstly, here is a pointless article about gardening ON your bicycle: En Gard!

Secondly, Eleven 81 baskets. They're cheap, they're indestructible and they're about as punk as you can get without donning a flannel and changing your name to Mike Watt. Eleven 81 Basquiats out next Spring just as soon as Dave C. can resurrect his corpse. Great Odin's raven!

Thirdly, here is a product that we shall never carry (seen on Gwadzilla), unless Furious George is buying it: Sushi and The Banshees

Fourthly, Sandy had a so-so morning today so everybody be extra nice to her or I'll scald you with something. Perhaps spray some Halt in your face, next to the copier machine... at 1:15 PM... Tony.

Fifthly, the second installment from "Breakdancing:Mr Fresh and The Supreme Rockers Show You How To Do It". Today's lesson, "the Wave" followed by its variant, "The Post-race Kyle"
Sixthly, Smokey Mountain Red is updating the Storck World Tour blog once again so go over there and look at all the smiling, happy people: Storck Babies

It's "Eliashevsky"...

One more shout out to Stan's and George's doggy!!!

"Well Tsaaaaali!": 12 Hours Of Tsali

Oh Gomer Pyle, you pea-brained, super-strong war monger who made us chuckle with your antics!... Saturday found The Blog at the always lovely Tsali trail system for the aptly named 12 Hours of Tsali put on by the good folk at Gone Ridin’ (apostrophe added post-edit). Hawley folk toeing the line for the full 12 hours included Kyle (graphics), Will (purchasing) Jeremy (service center) and Ole Joshie (Josh).

The weather was perfect come race day. A little sun, some clouds to keep the temps reasonable and trails that were reminiscent of a bobsled run kept the riding interesting if not quasi-dangerous for a few unlucky souls who went over the handlebars. Oh Tsali, you are a cruel if not somewhat dusty mistress! Helping out in the pits with food hand-ups was Kelly (Will’s devoted lover) and Eric (Kelly’s new devoted lover, don’t tell Will) from Cane Creek. Eric should stick with headset, er, uh “stuff” as his pit mechanic skills are somewhat lacking. Every time The Blog would roll through, Eric was either gabbing with some slack-jawed yokel, fast asleep in a lawn chair, reciting erotic haiku on the announcer microphone or wandering around, pants around his ankles blubbering “I am not ready for prime time people! Not ready! Not ready!” Despite the mental breakdown, Eric did great and his pants-less antics were a nice pick-me-up! They will haunt me in my dreams. In addition to racing, The Blog saw a lot of local shops who are on Hawley’s list of “Super-Awesome IBD’s We Love!”. Sycamore Cycles was not only the major sponsor of the race but had several teams racing, one of which included the King Of Pisgah, Wes Dickson (he finally got Eric‘s pants back on, photos withheld). Carolina Fatz was represented by Nathan Wyatt in the 6 hour race. Pretty sure he dominated. A Black Dog Bicycles jersey was seen swooshing around the trails with reckless abandon in addition to a Smokey Mountain Bikes tent and a Scott's Bikes tent on the gravel road climb. Good friend Yuri was also spied among the teeming hoards. Yuri lived in Columbia several years ago, working at Adventure Carolina as a river guide… until the incident on the Saluda. Details have always been sketchy, but let’s just say, a family of twelve from Utah on vacation, canoes, rapids, cannibalism, condor egg poaching, harpischord recitals, poisonous gas clouds, a talking possum named Darrell and not a soul survived, except the enigmatic Yuri! After the “Great Saluda Harpsichord-Talking Possum Massacre of 1999”, Yuri moved to Hendersonville where he escaped his checkered, corpse-strewn past, but The Blog digresses. So in conclusion, a bawdy, good time was had by all. Jeremy got 2nd in the Open, Joshie got 4th, Will got 2nd in single speed followed by Kyle in 3rd. The Blog finished 1st in the single speed category but rumors of black magic and bad sportsmanship tainted his victory. A forfeit is in the works. So it goes!

The back of Kyle's jersey, blurry and Bigfoot-like



"Lord Winston Two-Monocles' Ole Timey Nerve Tonic and Cholic Suppressor? What the heck? I thought this stuff had been banned decades ago!"

Yuri Gagarin, famed cosmonaut, harpsichord enthusiast and of no relation to Hendersonville Yuri, AKA Yuri Gacosmoharpsiossum...

Get Awesome! The Blog and Jeremy's Fantastic Voyage To Tsali

The Blog and Jeremy "I Can Kill That Snake Just By Lookin' At It" Edge are riding up to 12 Hours of Tsali today. We're expecting a solo victory for Jeremy and some mid-lap silliness from The Blog. I have fireworks and I plan to use them... as a sandwich condiment... no, that's nuts. But I have a Schwalbe Racing Ralph on the front and a Michelin XC on the back so that should create enough trailside fireworks of the non-Chinese variety! It's known as "The Lazy Man's set-up" 'round these parts. So yeah, this post will be brief and totally unrelated to cycling. Simply put, The Blog found a copy of a breakdancing book he's been looking for and can now present different passages to the reader, sharing the bountiful knowledge contained within the pages of "Breakdancing: Mr. Fresh and The Supreme Rockers SHow You How To Do It". Today's installment, a portion of the glossary. Acquaint thyself with the breaker's lexicon and watch your career blossom!

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

... belongs to Scott from the vast hinterland of the shipping department. "Great" Scott is quite the ne'er-do-well and his Storck reflects his predilections for mischief-making and merriment! After unceremoniously executing his rickshaw driver last winter along a road swarming with bandits, Scott was at a loss for a proper mode of transportation until a Storck cart clattered by, dropping a frame box from its load. Before the hungry orphans and their begging bowls could abscond with the priceless relic, Scott chased them off with a shot from his Brown Bess Flintlock and flagged down a passing corpse wagon which gave him a ride back to his estate after the exchange of a gold coin or two. 320 years later, Scott has finally built up his Storck and commutes into work on a regular basis! And the corpse wagon? Well gentle reader, that's a story for another time, and another blog (corpsewagon.blogpsot.com)....

Sterling silver Sram Red rear derr., king cobra skin carbon weave, and hand carved ebony FSA cranks dipped in orphan tears!
Huzzah! A frame pump! An accessory fit for a commuter!

RIP Steve Larsen

http://www.velonews.com/article/92239/

http://www.velonews.com/article/92268

Breaking Barriers

Great moments in vending machine history, May 20, 2009: Josh Baker, at the end of his rope both physically and psychologically seeks solace within the open, inviting arms of the Big Texas. 19 ounces of cinnamon roll goodness/fury packaged somewhere far from Texas, smuggled into America via submarines and placed surreptitiously within vending machines during the wee hours. The Blog was waiting for the Big Texas seal to be broken and now it's a sugar land rush! I shall consume fourteen by sundown or my name isn't Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabbadoo

Eleven 81 And You: Creating A Better Tomorrow

This post is a few weeks late, but Andy (Storckophile, candy man-child) noticed that Team Mountain Khakis was rocking Eleven 81 stems and seatposts at the Speed Week crits. Not only rocking them Ronnie James Dio style, but winning on them, repeatedly! Who knew? After hearing of their success, Dave Carson stroked his mustache and laughed maniacally. While caressing a globe on his desktop entitled "Eleven 81 Domination" he screamed, "Yes my pretties! It's allll coming together! Soon, soon Bloggy! Now, prepare the hydrofoil and ready my katana blade. There are scores to settle, ancient scores that you couldn't possibly understand!" In addition to Team Mountain Khakis, Richmond Pro Cycling had its riders on Eleven 81 stems. Great minds think alike...

Complete Cleat Defeat, Sweet! Meet & Greet The Storck Fleet

The Blog raced a metric mtb century put on by the good folk at SORBA this past Saturday. Lovely weather (except for the rainstorm on Modoc trail) and an even lovelier bunch of people made the "First Annual Sumter Metric Century" (what a name!) a smashing success. The only thing better than the post-race potato salad/baked bean gorge-fest was the pre-race meeting of several racers who were flying the colors of some of Hawley's favorite shops. It's always good to go to a local race, press the flesh and pick the brains of potential customers, to hear what they like, to hear what they don't like and then to ignore that and only consider what they like (just kidding!). Oh yes, I almost forgot! Remember to check your cleats before a race. Make sure everything is good and tight! If you don't, you could find yourself riding 40 miles with only one functional shoe that is guaranteed to change your pedal stroke in addtion to making slick, rooty descents quite dangerous! But hey, that's why the Kassites invented duct tape. Look it up.

The Blog wasted 8-10 minutes trail side looking for its missing cleat when a passing rider said "Hey, your cleat is in your pedal!" Thank you kind sir! Also wasted time taking pictures of it. Then wasted another 30 seconds screaming obscenities. It felt good.


Duct tape to keep the soles safe from the pedals. The tape lasted about 10 minutes!


One more note of interest to the roadie crowd! Good chums Clemmons Bicycle (probably located in Clemmons, NC) is having a Storck demo round 4:00 PM this coming Wednesday. Go meet Andy Hale and Smokey Mountain Red (Brittany Hale), then ride one of the lightest and stiffest road bikes in the world! "Lost" is done for the season so what else do you have to do other than witness a Storck-icle and get the latest Hawley gossip from Brittany. If she tells you the Blog ate a 4 day old pizza crust out of the trash, don't believe her. She lies through her teeth! (image borrowed from Bike Rumor, the best place for gossip, Brittany)

Opine: Oh Pine! Pine-Time; A Pine Koan!

(Riiiiinngg!)
(Riiiiinngg!)
The Blog: Hello?
Colonel A.Q. Kenda: Bloggy, The Colonel speaking. hang on to your pantaloons because our team of overworked alchemists have done it again. Pine scented Small Block Eights! Have you soiled your pantaloons? Excellent. They're your typical Small Block, only with a refreshing if not somewhat disturbing pine scent. Dare to dream my friend, dare to dream! By the way, I can has a quarter?
The Blog: You had me at "soiled your pantaloons".
Colonel A.Q. Kenda: I'm glad we're on the same wavelength. I'll put you down for 600. Now, about that quarter. It's two for one on Cisco at the Lil' Cricket.


(late edit. John Tomac, closet pine-freak. Just sayin')

Going Postal

This dealer has earned a special place in The Blog's heart for completely dominating this box with 42 cent postage stamps. "UPS? Never heard of it!". We salute you sir. Huzzah!

DSG 12 Hour Highlights

Jeremy from the service center raced at Dirt Sweat and Gears 12 hour race this past Saturday with his partner and racing partner Wild Bill. Since most of the hub-bub has finally died down, The Blog figured he'd post Jeremy's photos of the race. Lots of mud, lots of carnage and some hot podium action! Check out cyclingdirt.org for interviews with the dumbfounded masses.

Sam Koerber and Jeremy Edge