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Friday, May 29, 2009

Shredding the GWAR!!!!!!

Oh Gwar, what a fickle and old fashioned bunch they were. Though they have died out and we are left with only fossil records, we know that they loved three things and three things only: Spitting blood on people, Hershey bars melted over a block of cheese, and DOWNHILL!!! This rare and highly valuable photo shows that they understood the basics of the pressure suit; simple, light, and allowing a full range of motion. Oderus Urungus and the rest of his battalion of intergalactic justice were never actually pictured with their "shred sleds" but we know from the only living human that ever saw them....................Brantley, that they all rode Kona Stinkys and had mammoth skin versions of the KENDA Telonix, in a 2.4, of course. Funny, it just so happens that I ran the same setup with great success this weekend up at Snowshoe Mountain's opening weekend. But mind you, that was my only success this weekend....

I took a "Wrong Turn" and ended up in the back woods of West Virginia with nothing but my special edition Twilight DVD and a handful of Reese's pieces.

I managed to lure this boy in with the Twilight DVD sitting open with the special features disc exposed and I partially paralyzed him with the candy after I rubbed them on the back of a poison dart frog. He was so impressed with my backwoods skill and superb taste in Vampire movies marketed towards 15 year old girls, that he offered to show me the way to the "slidin' hill" as he called it. Thank you, boy, you are a scholar and a gentleman.

Hoping that my luck would improve, I ran across a "marine" from HALO in the parking lot of the Snowshoe Village. I tried to lose him by pointing out a health beacon on a hill and running the other way, but he was indeed too sly. I chose to embrace him as a brother and we shredded the Gwar together, high fiving after every sweet jump.

This was the only carnage I experienced. A little rock tumble and a housing pinch.

The "marine" a.k.a. Robert "sparks" Novack managed to crash and completely rip his shifter off. We could not find a replacement so I set the limit screws to single speed. On the next run he hit it again and blasted the limit screw out. After a ten minute floggin' with a piece of chain, I used a piece of cable to hold it in gear. He was a little more careful after I showed him a picture of his family and made the universal throat cutting signal.

This is not related but also not unmentionable. I saw this guy in the parking lot and asked if I could take a picture. He replied "sure, hop up on the seat and pertend yur ridin and I'll get one of ya". I declined.

This is Drew of the Clemson Freeride Team and host of the 2009 DH race. His companion, "Cranberry" is the rowdiest dude you have ever seen. I tried to take a picture of him but the camera burst into flames. I am still not convinced that he isn't a poltergeist.

This is Tripp "one-up" Bagnal making the wall ride beg for mercy. If not for his constant cursing and attempts to start a fight, he would rival the likes of Sam Hill and Steve Pete.

I didn't actually ride while we were there, as Jim suspects. But I cannot resist a realistic photo so I rubbed dirt on the frame and rolled around in the parking lot for that Xtreme look.

This is the "marine" sleeping in the same bed as Ed Harris. He kept me awake all night murmuring cheat codes for the rocket launcher and invincible mode. The man on the right is actually a transient who travelled under the name Bennett. He spent his time brandishing a dueling pistol and spoke of a lavish life funded by his swindling of local auto parts stores. He also rides with a 32 inch wide handle bar and has a supernatural ability to dissolve conflict between Native Americans. Unfortunately, he does not like Native Americans so he never uses it.

Camden High School's own Garth "Justin Timberlake" M is actually pedalling uphill in this picture. He is the only person to have to get behind the seat on a climb. He is that fast. Garth is also Justin Timberlake's stunt double and is actually Jessica Biel's Boyfriend. For the sake of publicity, she is seen in public with Justin but her heart belongs to Garth. You are a hero to us all. Don't fight it.

think what you will............


Spiritof76 said...

As a lifelong headbanger and member of the GWAR war party I would like to say thanks to the blog for this blog.

Spiritof76 said...
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