Catnip-tion Fit!

Today's post will show, in gratuitous detail, how to make a claw-proof catnip bag for your cat or coworker (everybody knows about Jim Snyder's legendary love of catnip, AKA "daddy's little secret")...
Step One: Purchase 1 SRAM Red Front Derailleur. Discard derailleur immediately, but keep the red bag.Step Two: Purchase an organic catnip at your local grocer. Might The Blog suggest "Nip It In the Bud", "Hip Nip", "Shoot From The Nip", "Nip Service", "Nip Of The Iceberg", or "Cat Crack, Now With More Crack".Step Three: Fill the Sram bag with precious catnip. Fill the bag completely to avoid curses and bad luck.Step Four: Display bag in high-traffic cat areas. Now we play the waiting game. Results to follow in tomorrow's post.Another catnip-head whacked out on that sweet sweet Nepeta!

Oh yeah, here's a neat article from Pez cycling about wheel building: Now That's Italian!

Ruminations On Groundhog's Day

Today is Groundhog's Day. Let us all celebrate in the customary fashion which includes but is not limited to: Singing "Happy Birthday" to a groundhog but withholding gifts until cake is served. Scalping a person who resembles a groundhog and wearing the scalp as is the fashion among the inner city youth. Re-enacting your favorite death scene from "Groundhog's Day". might the Blog suggest toaster in the bath tub? Volunteering at a soup kitchen or old folks home, then scalping everything in sight. Spending time with the family reading about brave groundhogs who constructed the railroads out west in the 19th century, other wise known as immigrant Chinese laborers.

A descendant of immigrant Chinese laborers and scalping enthusiast, Ron Chang (caught watering his lawn in Ventura, CA):

Speaking of slave labor, the Cross world championships happened this weekend. A Belgian won, but more importantly, the USA's kits were downright Eastern Bloc in appearance. You'd think USA Cycling would've learned something after all the negativity from the Olympics kits. Sadly, they learned nothing!Here a 4 different kits the USA should incorporate for next year... or face an imminent scalping.
Even as a small child, the Blog realized the awesomeness of the Astro's multi-striped genocide on good taste:70's skin-tight tank top retro not so funny movie=Podium nastiness!
A tablecloth, a mustard yellow stripe and some hurt feelings. What's not to love?
Awesomeness, simply put:

TGIF!

As we approach Valentine's Day, let's not forget the original language of love: semaphore. Forget the roses, forget the scented bath oils, forget the erotic cakes, forget the kidnapped string quartet playing at gunpoint under your wife's window as you pantomime the throat slitting motion every time they play a note out of tune. When it's time to express the inexpressible, do it with archaic flag communication. Semaphore, the new black for 2009.

In other random notes to end the week, Kenda was in the house yesterday. The Blog could only snag a shot of their super-custom van, complete with candy dispenser and playground-centric GPS. We hope Nick behaves himself as he travels this great land of ours!
(Riders are snatchin' up their tires!)

And finally, a word of caution (relating to the Soma Silver Bullet we got in stock a couple days ago). If you buy this:
Then watch this:
You become this:
("Toodles")

Industry Nien!

Well folks, we got our first shipment of Industry Nien hubs this morning. Handcrafted by Nien Nunb himself on his homeworld of Sallust, these hubs utilize an alien composite stripped from the hulking shipyards on Fondor mixed with souvenir scraps of adamantium from the original Death Star. Each hub is tested for strength and imbued with deadly radiation from the Millenium Falcon's hyperdrive. Combining the sleek engineering of Corellian technology with Old World Jedi charm, you'll the be "belle of the bell", whether you're shredding the gnar at Heartbreak Ridge or wowing your penniless Mandalorian bounty hunther chums with your new found intergalactic bling.

(One of the coolest autographed photos of ALL TIME!!!)

Oh yeah, we also got in our first shipment of Industry Nine hubs from the faraway, hippy-infested planet known as Asheville. They stink of jam band and liberal, self-righteous indignation! They are also the chronic, to quote the Bard. These won't last long so get them before Boba does!!!

(they double as salt and pepper shakers...from the future)

The Answer to "Mystery Part"!

The "mystery part" is HORN1036, the Sumo Wrestler from our mortal enemies at Co-Union! Thanks for playing. No Zaxby's for Jose!

Tuesday Afternoon Storck/Wrestling Rant

It almost slipped the Blog's mind this week, but in the nick of time it remembered that the Storck van (aka Mystery Machine) is sporting a fresh new look for its 2009 Tour, this year titled "S'Tourk 2009: The Year We Make Contact". As usual, Andy will be playing Roy Scheider to Brittany's John Lithgow as they travel the nation spreading the gospel of Storck and overpriced jeans. In addition to some new Thule roof racks to tote Andy's hair and body care products, the van is also sporting the Vanderkitten logo. Looks like their team will be astride Absolutists as they throw down the racing gauntlet. To put it bluntly, you're going down Colavita/Sutter Home, like Lex Luger after he tangled with a resplendent Ric Flair at Starcade 1988. Have we not learned anything from Lex Luger's hubris, his audacity as he dared to fly within the superheated wrestling corona that is Ric Flair? With The Nature Boy on the verge of defeat and wobbly from a Gorilla Press Slam, the modern day Icarus attempted a Torture Rack, pushing his body (specifically his knees) to the limit, buckling under the weight and allowing Flair to pin him. Zounds! But it is within this digression into wrestling lore that the Blog's underlying point is contained: Vanderkitten shall not only win the women's series but dominate with such Nature Boy-osity that UCI will give them a pro license thingy to race in the 2010 Vuelta and Giro. Take that Michael Ball!


The Vanderkitten logo! It is the spitting image of the Blog's cat Mimi. Where are our royalties?
Joshie's patience is tested. The anger is palpable!Andy laughs at Joshie's struggles. Then Joshie stuck the drill in Andy's head...

What Is It? Why Is It?

It's been a while since we've had a "mystery product" because of its high levels of unpopularity and the general bad taste it left in everyone's mouth. When given a choice between playing "mystery product" or bathing in a swarm of fire ants and broken glass, the latter was the resounding choice. "Uh yeah, I'll go ahead and die a horrible, painful death than play along with this stupid game" With that said, let's have a gander at our first mystery product! Please stifle your rage!

This product (or should I say "part") is lurking in the 2009 catalog, somewhere, I think. To be honest, there's no telling... The Blog will be impressed if anybody figures this one out. OK, prepare the fire ants.

Brooklyn Bike Lanes (The Biggie Smalls Memorial Expressway)

This is an old story but worth a read. Lots of different opinions in Brooklyn concerning the new bikes lanes: Brooklyn Bike Lanes (New York Times)

Dudikoff.

Brian showed me a pen yesterday that was sent by a promotions company. They make pens with your company's name, you hand the pens out or squirrel them away in your desk and exchange them for cigarettes and shivs in chow line. Then when the riot comes (and it always does), you have a weapon for protection and cigarettes for hostage negotiations or buying your own freedom. However, by trading your company pen for cigarettes and shivs, you lose the ability to perform emergency tracheotomies using the outer shell of the pen as a breathing tube.


All this talk of shivs, prison chow lines and emergency tracheotomies has reminded the Blog about yet another ninja-related ATM robbery:

Just another reminder that the current recession effects all professions, including feudal Japanese assassins. For more information about ninjas, please consult this valuable resource:
("Part 2:The Confrontation" has 80 percent more shuriken-related carnage than "American Ninja", thus its ascendency in the American Ninja hierarchy):


Will's Cole Shuriken-related carnage:

"What Is This? The Freakin' Sandy Show???"

Much to the Blog's chagrin, yet another vendor "shepherded" by Sandy has made its way into the hallowed Hawley Blog halls. More of a heads up than a teary-eyed "buy me now" plea of desperation, the Blog thought it would be good to inform the unwashed yet not-so-uncouth (but still unwashed and potential State Fair Gravitron operators ) masses about the new ODI Lock jaw clamps (for the Lock Jaw grips) Hawley will be offering for 2009. Sandy said, "They double as pirate earrings! Arrrr Kenny! Arrrr! Arrrrrrr!!! Where'd you hide all the boooty! ARRR! I'm cold and hungry" Then she turned into a ball of light-emitting energy and floated away.

Stupid Human Tricks

661 is a beloved vendor of the Hawley Company. Sandy (661 purchaser/Schnauzer browser) has a small reflecting pool in her cubicle shaped like the 661 logo full of belly-distended carp and pennies flicked from the fingers of outside reps buttressing their sales luck. It is said that the pool was constructed as a WPA project in the early 1940s long before 661 or Hawley existed. How can this be? That is not for you to ask insolent reader. Instead, feast your eyes upon the molecular mystery that is D30 (DEE-three-oh) technology. Simply put, super-intelligent molecules move with lightning quick reflexes, going from loose as a goose to tight and Betty White in nanoseconds. The D30 ectoplasm is soft and pliable in your hands, much like a baby's skull. However, when violently struck or when sensing itself in danger, D30 condenses into an impermeable, protective shield. Be warned, D30 is incapable of feeling human emotion, reciprocating love, lashing out in anger...

The 661 D30 Test kit, coming to a dealer near you via an outside sales rep not necessarily near you:
Orange goo? Check! Fischer Price mallet? Check!
Andy and Colin demonstrate the protective capabilities of D30. Andy refers to this as "The Cobra Strike":
Colin has second thoughts as the mallet rushes toward its target:
A perfect cobra strike!

Visual Proof...

... of snow in the dirty, dirty South. A freak flurry flustered fanatical fancy-folk to the point of outrageous behavior and unsavory thoughts. Hmmmm, candy corn WOULD be good for dinner tonight! The Blog offers this picture of snow flakes trying to mate with the Hawley sign:

The Hawley parking lot adrift in soft, white murderous snow. Gaze upon the deadliness....

Tuesday Morning Quickie

Forgot to mention this yesterday... JT (Jose Texidor, International Sales/Soup) gave me this photo of the new Shimano STI shifter from a bicycle in Brazil (or was it Cuba?). Anyhoo, we're way into the Readymade lifestyle and the Blog sees this as a possible catalyst for other projects that have been in the idea queue: Pixie stick wrapper cable housing, pine straw spokes, saddles made from grass clippings and the love of a good woman, etc.

Cyclocross Finale, With Pictures!

Saturday was cyclocross time in Charlotte. Hawley stooges Joshie, Will and Kyle showed up with racing on their minds and hillbilly music in their hearts. Jim Morrison from Cane Creek also threw is hat into the cross ring, but he is of little concern. Pictures of racing and crashing...

Pre-Monday Morning, Post-Sunday Yoga Class Listening

The Blog scoped this out on the BBC's Documentary Archive website. It's about bicycles and whatnot. Have a listen and keep your disdain for haughty British accents to a minimum. That is all: The Bicycle Diaries!

(A BBC listener? Tut tut!)

You Lose Some, You Lose Some

Colin's chance at arm wrestling redemption, please meet Paul Harrell and his leg-sized arm. We wish you the best of luck...
Speaking of eye-bulging intensity, please consider entering these races and intensify your own eye bulging. Make sure you say "Hello" to Hawley folk Kyle, Will and Joshie (making his 2009 racing debut) at Saturday's race. Autographs and moderately priced cider will be available at our kiosk