Adventures in Asheville: Selling Your Organic Hippy Dreadlock Extensions in a Buyer's Market AKA Teenwolf Versus the Omnium

Friday afternoon, the Hawley Company saw its very own Teenwolf Zanca (inside sales) enter his first Omnium ever, the French Broad Cycling Classic. Expectations were high until 40 minutes before the opening time trial, Teenwolf looks over and asks "Why do I do these things?!" I assumed his lack of motivation was a result of bad nutrition or some sort of hippy magic (we were in Asheville mind you!) and NOT 100 percent apathy so I suggested he stuff another peanut butter banana sandwich in his face. Chewing food is a great way to stifle a cyclist's incessant complaining and self-doubt. Worked for Armstrong. Worked for Pee Wee. To make a long story short, Teenwolf finished mid-pack (pun intended) in the TT, conserved his energy and had set himself up for a strong showing in Saturday's crit. A celebratory meal at Papas and Beer Friday night and it was off to bed for Teenwolf, to dream of crit victories, unicorns and other things he'll never see. Saturday had the team bus in the sleepy village of Brevard, home to Hawley customers Sycamore Cycles. Unfortunately a visit was not in order as we had racin' to do. Crit racin'! Sweet horrible crit racin' that sullies the soul and nourishes our basest desires! The course was 4 fast turns with a short downhill and a power climb up to the finish. Teenwolf was positioned well and missed a solid 2nd place by a couple millimeters (finished a respectable third, but should've had second... hint hint). After that, it was a quick tour of Asheville with stops at more Hawley customers: Carolina Fatz and Biowheels. You can't say enough about both shops. Tons of great bikes, great employees and great Eleven 81 pedals! Then what followed could best be described as senseless food debauchery of Caligula-esque proportions as Teenwolf consumed (inhaled) 2 gigantic hamburgers, a basket of wings and several sweets from a local chocolate emporium. Looking back, the menu choice was ill-advised for Sunday's exertions, but as director sportif, I shoulder most of the blame. The rest of the blame is squarely on Teenwolf's shoulders. Self control is the hallmark of great champions, like Lance Armstrong, Pee Wee, this guy. So with that foreshadowing, it's on to Sunday's crit in Asheville. A tight 3 corner course would ensure plenty of sweet crit action for both riders and the dozens of cycling fanatics lining the sidewalk(s). Teenwolf stayed in front to avoid the usual pandemonium in the back but as a rider broke off with 10 minutes to go, the chasing group couldn't make up the distance and it was a chaotic sprint for second. Citing stomach issues (really? he only consumed 45 ounces of feculent beef fat the night before), Teenwolf could only muster a respectable 7th. But guess what? That was enough to ensure the overall points lead and cat 5 Omnium title. At long last, the sportif's master plan was bearing the sweet fruit of victory! Take that Hippy Town! Take that Northern Carolina! Take that weird dude at Sunday's race who asked us where the coffee shop was when it was plainly visible! More tales of Asheville and all things organic to follow later this week...


Line-Up For the Brevard Crit!An Eleven 81 Sighting in Carolina Fatz. Look at that sexy packaging!
And another! Look at that crummy Wellgo packaging!
Interior of Biowheels.
Exterior of Biowheels. Director Sportif and Team Mechanic/Driver Pose for the paparazzi
Director Sportif pins on Teenwolf's number as Team Mechanic/Driver blocks the sun allowing for 100 percent concentration.
Line-Up For Asheville. Does the fun ever start???
The breakaway! Notice the other racers' bewilderment...

The Blog is Out of the Office Until Monday

Busy with the French Broad Cycling Classic today through Sunday. No post until Monday!!!

Product Placement: Gyes Leather Pannier Bag

The Gyes Leather Pannier (BAGS1630) sits, lost in introspection...
"And for the DJ on the go... by bicycle!"

In show business, creating a buzz is called "tubthumping". In the bike business, creating a buzz is called, "creating a buzz". For those of you who don't know or were too busy watching "Project Runway" the last three months (I'm looking right at you Marky Mark), Dave has brought in an economical alternative (read "good value!") to those overpriced Brooks saddles and bags that fall apart at the first drop of rain. It's called Gyes and if you know how to pronounce it, you're already half way there! Halfway way where you ask? To accessorizing your townie-cruiser-touring machine beyond comprehension. Don't have a radical 1960 Dawes Galaxy lying around your loft apartment surrounded by 13 other vintage bicycles in downtown Seattle? Don't have an uncomprimising 21st century urban chic fashion sense? Don't work as an urban planner or public relations liaison for a non-profit organization in a mid-size bicycle friendly city? Well, then perhaps it's time for some of that sweet, sweet Gyes lovin'! Oh yeah baby! And guess what, this pannier also comes in faux alligator skin (not available as of this blog entry). Tragically, it doesn't come in Jar Jar Binks skin. That freak single handedly ruined three Star Wars movies (well, ruined what was left of a once healthy franchise). Don't believe me? Here's a little taste from "Phantom Menace":
"Meesa caused mabbe one, two-y lettle bitty axadentes, huh? Yud-say boom da gassar, den crashin der boss's heylibber, Den banished."

"My no know. Meesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom! Getten berry scared and grabbed dat Jedi, and pow! Meesa here! Huh. Meesa gettin berry, berry scared."

So in conclusion, Jar Jar Binks ruined "Star Wars" and was turned into a Gyes pannier.

"Meesa an abomination! Meesa make George Lucas turn into alcoholic! Please kill messa! End meesa suffering!"

"Chill baby. Jar Jar gonna make everything all riiight!"

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

...Belongs to Colin (Inside Sales).

"Well she's a 2005 Lil' Rascal FR. It's built for bigger hits with 33mm
up front and 115mm in the rear. The Fox Float R holds up the rear and
creates a great pedaling platform on the climbs. Ape hangers in the
front to get you back for descending and a setback seat post to get your
hips out for those hard corners. The BB is a little low, but I'm willing
to sacrifice clearance for the low CG. Kenda 12"x2.125's keep the power
to the ground."
(from "Throat Singers of Tibet; A Comprehensive History" by Colin Tice)

How Freakin' Early Does a Commuter Need to Get Here For a Timely Shower???

Showed up at the office thinking "Well, it's 7:55. Should be 1st, or maybe second in line!" Nope. Fifth! What the sam hill is going on here? Including Ian (whose bike lives in the service center and not amongst the common proles here in the office), we had 10 strong commuting. Who will be next? Troy? Justin? Colin on his 38 pound Banshee (tomorrow's post)? My money is on Colin but you never know what the Ragin' Cajun has in store...

(l to r: Kenny, Jim, Derrick, Josh, Jose, Kyle, Will, Chad, Mark and the rear tire of Colin's Banshee)

Bastille Day and Podium Finishes For The Hawley Company

(image from Google Earth)
Happy Bastille Day everybody! Once a year, French folk throughout the world stop, collaborate and sometimes listen to speeches about French Independence and advanced techniques for prison storming (aka Airport High School Graduation). It is also traditional that a French cyclist tries his darnedest to win a stage of the Tour. And by "tries" we mean "starts the race 10 minutes late and only mildly hungover from the previous night's red wine bender". All French bashing aside, the Tour and Bastille Day share a rich and lustrous history that you would be advised to read about at a more informative but infinitely less entertaining website. Might I suggest http://en.battlestarwiki.org/wiki/Bastille_Day or Rush's Bastille Day!

(Henri Cornet, winner of the 1904 Tour and the last Frenchman to start the race on time and only mildly inebriated):


In other cycling/race-related news,...Saturday afternoon saw Kyle (graphics), Big Willy Style (shipping) and yours truly (daycare) towing the line at Jamie's Summer alleycat. The start time was listed "Promptly at 2 PM" so that meant the race didn't get started until 2:20. No wine before its time. The start was organized chaos. Chuck Sly (receiving) was manning the first checkpoint/packet pick-up at Granby Park. Always good to see a familiar face amongst the hoardes. A quick glance over the manifest and it was off to the races. Will and I hauled around town, screwed up a checkpoint, met up with Kyle, rode like headless horsemen, (I made a dumb mistake and had to bid adieu to my race partners) and at the end of the day, Will and Kyle wrapped up 2nd and 3rd respectively. First time this season The Hawley Company had two racers on the podium. Now that's how you represent!

(Alleycat racers gather to discuss the contested elections in Zimbabwe)
(Post race sit-in to protest the Mugabe regime and raise awareness of democratic reform in Africa. From left to right: 1st place, Outspokin' Lass, 3rd place)

Shhhh, breakdancing seminar in progress

Not really, but that title really got your attention, eh? Well, it's Friday so that means Zero Gravity is in the hiz-ouse! Booyakasha! Jim failed to mention their arrival to me so that meant no rose petals strewn in front of them or custom embroidered Hawley jean jackets to make their stay "a special time". Speaking of Jim, I overheard this (seriously, this is true) come from his cubicle yesterday: "Our robotic army could easily conquer yours!" That's right, I sit eight inches away from a complete madman. A madman in charge of purchasing very high-end Zero Gravity brakes and who is in the process of building or conscripting some sort of robot army. War solves nothing Jim. Robot war solves even less. "What about those dudes stuck in Tron?" Bah!

Thursday in July Means, We're Phonin' This Post In!

Yawn. It's Thursday and that means another installment of "I'm too lazy to write anything on the blog so I'll distract the reader's attention with plenty of random pictures". Actually, while the blog is fairly inactive today (must be the humidity), the offices around here are abuzz with activity. Sales folk from 661, Ritchey and Kenda are roaming about, accosting anyone who will listen to a sales pitch or watch a product demonstration. During this morning's meeting, Pete of 661 pulled out all the stops, including a set of edible downhill gloves and a bmx helmet made of paper mache filled with delicious bits of candy and savory cuts or pork tenderloin. Sandy (purchasing) nodded her head in acknowledgment as she has been pushing for Hawley to steer it's business away from traditional head gear and embrace the burgeoning, delicious pinata trend in full face helmet technology. Huzzah Sandy, huzzah indeed! We're also doing an after work ride with Nick from Kenda. I LOVE my Kenda Small Block 8s but I'm going to play it cool and pretend like I hate them. Well not hate, but perhaps mistrust. If he mentions them I'll look off in the distance and mutter "Eh, they're OK. What's it to you? I mean come on, they're just tires. It's not like I draw pictures of them on my desk at work with a heart and an arrow and my face and the Small Block 8 kissing. That would be disturbing. Are you saying you want to fight me? Want your ears boxed eh? A little chin music? You have dishonored my Small Block 8 and in doing so, have dishonored me! I demand satisfaction! A duel, tomorrow, at dawn, with shotguns. Shotgun pinatas!" But I digress, as is the style for "Digression Thursdays" at Hawley (instituted by Brantley last year as a way to keep his senility a secret from the rest of us).

Six Six One Research Department and a Pinata Helmet Prototype

I have never had physical relations with this tire, yet:

Expansion!

Expansion!

You got vampires? We got stakes! Lots Of 'Em!

Stay Hydrated, Stay Un-Dead!

Hey, is the Tour still going on? You bet your sweet lonesome bitty it is! And where does today's stage end? Who knows? France? In other exciting news, the new warehouse expansion continues along at a merciless, Egyptian slave laborer pace. Think Pyramids, then double that. We've set up a small graveyard behind the accounting office as the attrition rate among the construction crew has increased with the sweltering temperatures. Perhaps they should've used...

You and 10,000 of your closest friends can build your OWN pyramid:

Tour De France, A Cycling Fanatic's Perspective!

Oh my God! Did you see the end of the Tour yesterday, it was so freakin' amazing. First, that one guy was going around that other guy and then they got all fast and stuff and the people were standing on the side of the road right next to the guys on bicycles like they didn't have a care in the world and then that other guy won and all the bikes were everywhere and it was just pandemonium! Most memorable Tour stage since that other guy did the thing against the other guy a few years ago. I guess we can only hope that tomorrow's stage (which I think, but don't quote me, starts at that quaint little town) is just as exciting!

"Wooooooookieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! Woooooooooooooookkkiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!"
Another bike racer dude from yesteryear. Dig that sweatpants-high top combination in the background. Only in Europe my friend!
"Dear Lord, the poop stench is coming FROM MY FREAKIN' GLOVE! I sicken myself."
This year's Tour De France honorary race official, French patriot and esteemed sitcom superstar, Robert Guillaume:

L to R (Robert Guillaume, ?,?,?,?,?,?)

Tour De France and Other Things That Deserve Unnecessary Hype

The Tour De France is the second greatest French creation. The third greatest is Bridgette Bardot. The fourth greatest is um, well, a certain "je ne sais quoi". The fifth is runny, stinky cheese. But what is the Greatest French creation? The freakin' trebuchet!!! "But wait, isn't the trebuchet's country of origin highly debatable?" While it is true that several of the earliest versions of the trebuchet were seen in many countries throughout the world, the actual word "trebuchet" sounds French so in our book, that makes it a French invention. Okay? Got a castle you want to storm? Got a boulder you want to launch? Want to put your neighbor's ballista to shame? Need a more efficient way to fend off suburban Orc seiges? It's time for a little trebuchet action!!! Now with 50 percent more French smugness.

A fully operational trebuchet, complete with medieval toilers:
Stinky, runny, feculent French cheese. How can you not eat this???:
Bridgette Bardot. She was created in a French germ warfare lab. She also co-produced "Weird Science" (as a biographical documentary) and co-founded Deconstructionalism with Jacques Derrida.
Your neighbor's ballista and the main reason your children think you're a failure:
" Uh yeah, police? Phil Liggett just exposed himself to me... again"

What Is It???

No. Not this. We all know this is a movie still from "Cloverfield":


In today's installment of our 3 time Pulitzer Prize Award-winning "What Is It???" (not to be confused with Steve Hawley's short-lived 70's sitcom with Redd Foxx entitled "What It Is???"), we present you with this enigmatic nugget of bicycling technology. Winning guesses are eligible for several valuable prizes. Did somebody say water-soaked July 4th close out fireworks?


"Don't ask me for a hint, I just work here! And by the way, where's my residual check you big dummy!!!"

COMMUTER BIKE OF THE WEEK...

... Belongs to Chad from shipping. A relative newcomer to the Hawley commuter scene, Chad's boyish good looks, devil may care-anything goes attitude and flagrant use of platform pedals has quickly catapulted him into the upper echelons of the commuter hierarchy. Simply put, if Greg LeMond and that chick who played drums for Heart had a child, then he would be something like Chad on a bicycle: Strong, aggressive, relentless, uncompromising and with a steady kick drum beat and a penchant for hard-livin'. The office nitwits are trying to convince Chad to drop the platforms and buy some clipless pedals but he stubbornly refuses to forsake his platform roots. And although I also want Chad to ditch the platforms, you have to respect a man with principals. Horrible, horrible, backward principals.

Chad's Orbea:
Oooh, carbon stays:
Please talk some sense into this whipper snapper! (buy Wellgos, it makes Dave smile)
Chad drinks rocket fuel every morning. Do you?

Sportlegs, Handcrafted For Your Pleasure

Yesterday's post was barely related to cycling. Therefore, today's post is bursting at the seams with country-fresh cycling goodness. To start with (and probably end with as this is my only subject for the day), let me tell you about Sportlegs. First, I know absolutely nothing about this wonderful product we carry. I don't know what's in Sportlegs. I'm not a speed scientist but I'll guess it's some sort speed powder and/or dust. The powder (or dust for our European readers) is made through a top secret process (zombies), then refined (more zombies), then blessed by a Zoroastrian priest or mystical shaman (Dave Carson). The capsules are then carved by hand in the Sportlegs workshop. Just think "Santa's toy shop" but instead of those nasty, smelly, misogynist elves slacking about, the Sportlegs capsule workshop is full of hard-working man-children hobbit thingys, rescued from degrading careers in the freak show and Mini Me stand-in industries and given gainful employment. So anyway, each capsule takes 4 to 6 weeks to carve. That means, one bottle takes about 28 years to make. How can that be? How can Sportlegs deliver it's magical product to us if one bottle takes so long to produce? Well, there's a simple answer. Unfortunately, that answer is so simple it wouldn't fit on this page. In addition, words haven't been invented to describe the detailed astrophysical process that takes place so to make it easier to understand, just don't think about it. Instead, think about clouds, or zombies, or Dave Carson in his sequined mystical shaman outfit. Fast forward to this morning's commute and my first real attempt at "becoming one" with the Sportlegs and the magical speed powder in their painstakingly handcrafted capsules. Well, my commute, which usually takes 55 minutes lasted approximately 15 minutes. You read that correctly! I shaved off 40 minutes from my commute just by taking Sportlegs. Not to mention the 20 mph headwind, heavy traffic, flats on both front and rear tires, broken chain and balancing a full cup of coffee on my handlebars. Now that's a product that gets you instant results! (Results may vary with individual riders. Please consult a physician if speed powder makes contact with the eyes or fingernails. Sudden Lycanthropic transformation may occur if used for an extended period of time)

Sportlegs Capsule Workshop a.k.a. The Happy Factory:)!