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Friday, December 12, 2008

Colin Receives His Comeuppance: THE RECKONING

Although the Hawley company is all about the love, emanating the warm fuzziness of a hippy commune gone horribly awry, every now and then factions will sprout up from the loamy fields of the warehouse and sales office, blossoming into rivalry, then taunts, then more taunts and then confrontation. Entering from stage right, Colin, the Southern Dandy, the pride of Inside Sales,. Entering from stage left, Chris, the Boston Bulldog, the pride of Receiving, collector of Schwinns. Enter from the third moon of Saturn, Andy (Storck) as promoter and provocateur. With the players assembled, our tableau commences: One Arm Wrestling match to decide the fate of each representative's tribe. To the victor, life. To the loser, death. Within 30 seconds, the mortal battle was settled as Chris grunted and frowned his way to a deserved victory over an inexplicably confident Colin. As these words are written, inside sales is being blind-folded and given last requests. We shall miss them. Especially Michael who was only here for a few days and will be shot with the others, no exceptions. Our condolences to his wife and six children.

"Andy "Mouth of the South" Hale shows off his promoter skills. Nice sunglasses"
"OK boys, lock up. May the best man win! Hold on, I gotta run to the bathroom first"
"For the first 5 seconds, Colin toys with Chris, giving him the old fish arm. Chris exerts at 100 percent. There shall be no rope a dope today"
"At 10 seconds, Colin decides to put Chris out of his misery. Chris counteracts with 135 percent exertion. He's redlining"
"The tables turn at 20 seconds. Colin feels his o-ring clench as Chris ramps up to 200 percent exertion. Colin's needless showboating has gotten him into a pinch."
"30 seconds in, Colin can hold out no longer! Chris jumps up to 300 percent exertion and in doing so, etches his name in the annals of arm wrestling history. Colin has etched himself in anal history. Wait, that was a misprint"
"Colin screams WHY ME???? THE NECROMANCER FORETOLD GREATNESS!!! as Chris savors his victory, in a most unsavory manner, as befits a descendant of New England whalers and beard trimmers. Ahoy hoy indeed!"
(commentary dictated to a Sony analog HG-2 voice recorder)

In mountain biking-related news, swing over to Harlan Price's website for info on a gnar-tastic stage race taking place in India! Finally, a chance for authentic Indian cuisine, and authentic diarrhea!

7 comments:

Billy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dwight yoakam said...

india race seems rad. i've heard talk of this . . . anyone gonna man/woman up and make it happen?

Spiritof76 said...

With the gleaming teeth of lions and the reddened claws of eagles arm wrestling champion Chris shall rule the divine...well, at least in the annals of interdepartmental rivalry at the Hawley Company for the time being.
It is absolutely true that the fine folks of the sales office would beat the tar out of the warehouse in any cycling competition (with the exception of high speed downhill bigwheel demolition racing). I will say however that when it comes to brute force competitions such as Arm Wrestling, Bowling, Billiards, Scrabble, Vintage Atari Games or Pinball the warehouse will shine brightly with the golden light and angelic heralds of pure championship.

Spankye said...

to Mr. Yoakam...How about you man up and go back to being a Tahoe hippie!

spokejunky said...

Not even Sly or Bull could compare to that one.

Anonymous said...

As Colin's surgeon I would caution him against this sort of exertion until his arms are fully healed. I say try again in about 6 months and I guarantee a Colin victory.

Spiritof76 said...

I think that anyone regardless of size or body mass can win an arm wrestling bout against anybody if they go into the match truly thinking that they are a hydraulic arm breaking machine which is what I did in this case. For me it wasn't so much about beating Colin as it was about proving my hydraulic arm theory