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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Happy Hawley Daze!

A quick journey through the hallowed Hawley halls reveals several of the cogs who make up our distribution machine. Let's meet them, shall we?

Nathaniel "Spanish Armada" Hawthorne: Shipping Department Radio Technician, former co-director of the SETI program. Nate brings his 30 years of experience searching the celestial canopy for radio signals from distant galaxies to shipping, where he ships skewers and coaster brakes to distant galaxies, while listening to the signals coming from his boombox, also boasting thirty years of experience in the field of blowing your mind!
Brantley "Old Brittle Bones" Schleppowitz: Product Returns, Alzheimer Research Fund. Brantley is Hawley's favorite Nonagenarian. Whether he's wandering around aimlessly in circles asking people "where am I, Daddy?" or staring blankly at a computer screen whispering "the magical incantations to make the light cube speak" or complaining vociferously about the subtle changes in temperature or atmospheric pressure that "angry up his blood", you can count on Brantley to "get to the bottom of things" and "chase those rotten kids off of his lawn". (Please refer to archived post "Brantley Is Older Than Dirt")

Billy "The Pride (And Future Shame) of Red Bank" Garfunkel: Receiving, Chess Champion. Billy (or "Sir William" in England) is the youngest son of folk crooner Art Garfunkel. After a tumultuous childhood on the road with his father and an equally talentless dwarf named Paul Simon, Billy spread his wings and left the nest of cush celebrity for the honest, sweat-on-the-brow occupation of warehouse receiver. Billy once received a thousand Reba forks in an hour, or so the song goes. Even though he is a folk hero, he still finds time to run chess clinics in downtown Red Bank for underprivileged children who were also sired and subsequently abandoned by Art Garfunkel.
Trey "Lunar Pancakes" Zrrb: Shipping, Fashionista. Trey wears a lot of black. However, it is not because of fashion or an uncontrollable urge to absorb as much heat from the sunlight as possible (known as helio-sponging). Nay, it hearkens back to Trey's pilgrim roots as his ancestors were the first to disembark from an overcrowded and feculent Mayflower only to be ruthlessly scalped by marauding bands of Wampanoag. In addition to wearing black, Trey only converses in Algonquian as a tribute to his fallen ancestors. Luckily, Brantley translates for us as he too is fluent in Algonquian. Freak!
Norman Hanson: Office lobby Christmas tree. Norman showed up a few weeks ago. He's an unpaid intern who has an undergraduate degree from Cornell. After Christmas, we'll dump him off at a landfill, as is the custom with Cornell graduates.
Lex Luthor: Service Department, Machiavellian Industrialist and Megalomaniac. Lex brings over 30 years of experience to the Hawley service center. Whether it's a fork rebuild or building giant robots to destroy Superman, you can trust Lex to the job right, the first time! In addition to forks and Superman destroying, Lex operates a fully functional Dyno for testing the thresholds of your suspension and wears a robotic exoskeleton for personal safety.
Josh "My Wife Gives me Grief About My Weight But I Think She's Out of Line, I Mean Seriously, Does She Want Me To Develop An Eating Disorder" Draculadrawers: Graphics, Shape Shifter. Josh can transform himself into anything he wants to. Once he transformed himself into a saddle when the Blog needed a new one! Needless to say, after a few commutes into work, the Blog and Josh's relationship was altered forever. The Blog was lucky enough to have a camera at the ready as Josh was midway changing into Natalie Portman for his after work "me time". Heavens to murgatroid!

Later on that day, Josh sets his sights on a new shape shifting victim as a hapless Jim throws away children's letters to Santa Claus. Now that's the Christmas Spirit!


spokejunky said...

Good lord look at that chrome dome. You could have a right game of snooker with that noggin.

Anonymous said...

but... where's Brad?? hiding amoungst the boxes again?? ;)

Anonymous said...

I didn't know Mr. Clean worked at Hawley...oh wait no..that's Ian. Oops!

dwight yoakam said...

classic. great post ken-puke. you even got brandi laughing 'bout joshie

Spiritof76 said...

Now that Ian has shaved his head (Right Said Fred) I feel a great disturbance in the universe. Something has thrown off the winds of the great magnet and strange weather is heading our way. I anxiously await the first signs of the apocalypse such as Ominous Orange and purple skies and black clouds that rain billiard balls upon unsuspecting pedestrians.