Hawley Field Trip to Zero Gravity

Because of a permission slip snafu (and a little thing called "parole violation", thank you Richland County Sheriff's office), I was not allowed on the field trip to Zero Gravity in Athens, GA, but for Jose, Derrick, Kyle, Will, Jim, Ian and Bruce, the immovable wooden doors of the magical barn of wonder and bemusement were opened for a day of bicycle riding, lagoon antics and gentlemanly conversation. Feast your eyes on the Wonka-esque wonderland...

Outside Zero Gravity (not pictured: Zero Gravity company zeppelin)

A motley assortment of bike riders and one serial killer. Guess which one! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Inside the Zero Gravity barn. Can you spot the human powered submarine?

Well, I guess you're commited

Overhead fan and former propeller for the Zero Gravity zeppelin (not pictured: the zeppelin)

A Ducati motorcycle, raffled away to a needy Ewok later in the afternoon.

Will and his head wound. How did he get the head wound? Viciously head-butting an Ewok!

Wake n Bake racing rig waits patiently for its master

"This will make you talk!"

When a man Zero G brake and a woman Zero G brake get married, they make baby Zero G brakes as a physical expression of their love. (from the book "Where Did I come From" written by Hakeem Olajuwon, illustrations by Norman Mailer)

Bike-To-Work Week! DAY 5 (Mr. Fish is neither a Mister OR a Fish, discuss!)

And so we come to the end of Bike-To-Work Week. But is this really the end, or is it a new beginning? Or perhaps, is it a never was? For some, the answer is "yes". For others, the answer is "no". And for a far greater percentage of the six and a half billion people who don't read this blog, the answer is "Huh?". And for one of you named Darrell Metzelberg, the answer is "Hold up, this ain't Muffler Master!" But I digress as my head is dizzy from all this talk of Bike-To-Work and the tasty chicken sandwich I consumed at Mr. Fish today. Mr. Fish is a new restaurant (and I use "restaurant" in the loosest sense of the word. Basically, think post-apocalyptic wasteland, then think of three mutants (friendly mutants) who survived the initial nuclear fallout, then think what if the mutants huddled together and decided to open a restaurant that serves fish related dishes, and then think diarrhea, lots of diarrhea) up the street from Hawley. The prices are low, the food is high and the decor is... uh... minimalist? So yeah, the chicken sandwich was like a congratulatory pat on the back to myself for finishing Bike-To-Work week in one piece. But I only rode four days, Joshie rode five, yet he ate a chicken sandwich as well! Can you fathom the implications of this? Can you? Can you??? In conclusion, Mr. Fish rated 5 stars for tastiness, 2 stars for decor/ambience, 12 stars for silverware and 3 thumbs up for tastiness.

(Late EDIT) On a side note, I told Trey (shipping) I'd put a shot of him playing drums with his band Four Zero Alpha from last week's show at New Brookland:
Pictured Left to Right: Skins, Trey

Bike-To-Work Week, DAY 4 (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Traffic)

Day 4 of Bike-to-Work Week brings with it an assortment of death-defying adventures. To start with, whilst on Platt Springs Rd, my handlebar suddenly slips out of position pitching me forward (and pitching a choice expletive out of my mouth), the result of a loosened stem bolt. Then a few minutes later, uber-commuter Will breaks a spoke on the same road. The rear wheel now has a healthy wobble but Will soldiers on, as is the style for the shipping department these days. And finally, Teenwolf catches the passenger door of a car as she (the driver of said car) ignores green-light-right-of-way and turns recklessly into the Hawley commuter train. Luckily the moon wasn't full, it wasn't anything as it was 7:30 AM, but if it had been, the fur would've been flying!!!

(A quiet pedestrian/bike bridge over carnage-filled Assembly St)

Bike-To-Work Week, DAY 3 (AKA "Wednesday")

The history of the word "Wednesday" is a long, fascinating and delicious story that won't be discussed here. Instead, we shall recapitulate Day 3 of the National Bike-to-Work Week. What is there to discuss you ask? Well, not bloody much, but it is of some interest to note sales department urchin and cajun-flavored wild man "Pastor" Troy Whelan participated in his first bike commute this morning. Flanked by Tony (sales) and Kyle (incessant complaining) in what could be described as "Presidential Motorcade Formation", Troy was whisked along to work through the circuitous bike lanes and traffic-filled roads of Lexington county. God bless a country where a simple swamp-child, who only seven months ago was selling used toothbrushes and jitterbugging for spare change on Bourbon Street can eschew his gas-guzzling ways (what is Troy going to do with TWO fanboats in downtown Columbia?) and commit, like his gator brethren, to non-motorized transportation solutions...
(As a side note, does Jim really need a frame pump thats longer than his top tube? And yes, the top tube is a whopping 79 cm)

Bike-To-Work Week! (AKA Road Shoulder-Dumptruck Awareness Week)

Gas prices got you down? Looking to shed that generous layer of whale blubber you call "the gas tank for the love machine"? Itching to debut your new skin-tight Primal Wear jersey that bravely salutes an obnoxious brand of cereal or light beer? Hoping to engage in the visceral man versus machine combat that IS urban commuting? Then perhaps you should quit perusing this blog (all in jest) and get over to the League of American Bicyclists (formerly League of Justice and subsequently League of Bottom Spankings) and acquaint thyself with their Bike-To-Work Week happenings. We're riding in all week... ARE YOU???

Congratulations...

to Eric Smith for guessing the "What Is It?" mystery item. Just in case you are still scratching your head in befuddlement, let us illuminate you:

And yes good-hearted dealer, these make great Mother's Day gifts!

"What Is It?"

Faithful blog reader, today's game is called "What Is It?". A shameless rip-off, er, we mean a loving homage to "Highlights" magazine, featured each week (or year, depending on levels of interest and a pending lawsuit from "Highlights" Magazine) on this very blog! Shazaaaaam!!! The rules are simple: Look at the zoomed in mystery bike part, search your mind or the online catalog for inspiration, leave a comment with your intuited guess and if correct, win some "fabulous prizes". This week's prizes include a Kenda 700X28/32c SCHRADER tube and a very rare bottle of Grey Poupon "mild and creamy" dijon mustard, NOW WITH XANTHAN GUM!!! OK, heres the first pic:
Fabulous prizes:

Criterium Redemption: Teenwolf Feasts Upon the Competition

Firstly gentle reader, a stirring quote from AUNG SAN SUU KYI, (Freedom from Fear) about redemption:
"It is his capacity for self-improvement and self-redemption which most distinguishes man from the mere brute."
Self-redemption that distinguishes man from brute, but man from teenwolf??? I propose that Mr. Kyi must amend his line as of Saturday because a certain Teenwolf (our own Tony Zanca, of inside sales and mustache research) redeemed himself amongst the teeming masses at the Dilworth Criterium. After a disappointing 13th at the SC State Championships, Zanca was out for blood, delicious human blood. And if not delicious human blood, then equally nourishing squirrel, mole or any rodent blood within the Charlotte city limits. But I digress as is to be expected from the strenuous rigors of blogging. Heres how it went down: Tony rode well, conserved energy and bid his time. Then at a half mile, a rider went off the front so Tony "gunned" it on the downhill. A few riders caught Teenwolf on the uphill with one of them making a pass. Teenwolf grabbed his wheel and got around him with 150 meters to go. With a victory in sight, Tony had a rider on his wheel at 50 meters and was edged out by about 6 inches at the finish line. A well-deserved second place! Huzzahs all around! The Zanconia mustache research program will continue in earnest.
One of our Black Sheep Cartel chums celebrating a well-deserved victory with arm raised skyward, as is the style nowadays.
A Rock Racing team member quickly takes his name out of the Cat 5 race after happening upon a pre-lupine Teenwolf squatting naked behind a porta-john feasting upon a rabbit carcass.

There Will Be Blood!

"Hey, has anybody seen my bike?" And thus began my circumnavigation of the Hawley Company as I searched (in vain) for my Kona Unit 2-9. No nook, cranny or crevice was left un-investigated. After what seemed like days (could've been minutes) of fruitless searching, I stopped in my tracks, looked over my shoulder and there on the top shelf in the warehouse lay my bike! Visibly shaken and mentally fatigued, she wouldn't come when I whistled for her (as is customary with well-bred 29ers) so I woke Kyle up from his third afternoon nap and made him retrieve her with post-haste. Now the investigations and interrogations can begin in earnest, and then, retribution! Here are some non-Steven Seagal quotes about vengeance and retribution that you can use in your daily life: "An eye for an eye (Exodus 21:24)!"
"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" (Paul, you know, from the Bible)
"Revenge is a dish best served cold" (Khan from "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan")

MOUNTAIN BIKE OF THE WEEK...

...Belongs to Furious George Faulkner of Purchasing. It's a Ridley Cobra, with a splacknasty XTR build, DT Swiss wheels and insanely trick white FSA stem, seat post and handlebar. And yes, George put the tires on backwards so keep your big fat yapper SHUT! That is all plebian!
(clicky the picture to make big the image, yes???)

Hungry Like the Teenwolf

Sunday was crit day. To be more specific, it was SC Crit Championships day in downtown Charlestown. The race was staged at Hampton Park, an old horse track that was two straight-aways, three pleasant turns and one wet, shaded turn of infinite suffering and broken collarbones. We got there early so Tony "Teenwolf" Zanca could wander around bothering race organizers and civilians alike with an endless stream of questions like, "Wheres the bathroom?" "Can somebody pin my number?" "Any sign of the bathroom?" "What's a crit?" "I can get a quarter?" and so on ad infinitum until Troy slipped behind him ninja-style and administered a textbook sleeper hold to pacify the boisterous Teenwolf. So after some more waiting and a couple adventurous trips to the Porta-Potty (an olfactory holocaust) the Cat 5s (according to Eric, "the fat, slow guys in Primal Wear jerseys") took off for their 40 minutes of Hell. From the gate, Teenwolf was struggling as his shoe refused to clip in. "Oh shazbot. It's gonna be a long day" I muttered to myself as Troy nodded his head in agreement. But as luck and perhaps Fate (who is fickle, mind you gentle blog peruser) would have it, Tony got his feet clipped in and settled nicely within the race's rhythm. Three wrecks and 30 minutes later, the race ended with our lone Hawley representative finishing a respectable 13th. Teenwolf got boxed in on the last turn negating any chance at a sprint, top ten finish. Is positioning in a crit really that important? I guess so...

New Product from Sea Otter

Just a few cool new products we saw this year at Sea Otter...

2008 Rival Shifters

2008 Rival Cranks

2008 Rival Derraileurs

2008 Manitou Dorado

And my personal favorite

Kyle, rest easy young hipster

Kyle, graphics lackey, finally got his precious Soma toeclips. A collective sigh of relief was audible throughout the office, warehouse and surrounding counties. By the way hapless blog reader, it's Friday, it's sunny, it's going to be 82 degrees and we're gonna be riding after work. Yippee! It don't get no better...

Ian's Wild Ride

As of Wednesday morning, Ian (overlord and supreme chancellor of the Hawley Service Center) has re-entered the bicycle commuter pool, so let that be a warning to all cell phone-talking, non attention-paying, make-up applying, contact lense-cleaning, wreckless driving knucklehead troglodytes populating the local roads because if you anger the man above in the day-glo safety vest and ill-fitting cycling bibs, you will bring a wrath upon you of biblical proportions. And yes, he's riding a Storck. And no Kyle, you can't have his front wheel for your fixie delusions of grandeur...

Team Hawley Baker's Dozen 2008 Re-Cap

As told by somebody who wasn't there:
Kenny: Hey Jess, this is Kenny. Calling you from the beach to ask how the race is going...uh, gimme a call back when you get this.
(later that day)
Kenny: Hey Jess, Kenny once again. It's really sunny out here, the beach is wonderful. How's the race going? Are you there? Does anybody answer their F*&$# phone anymore? Ciao!
(later that evening)
[you have ONE new message]
Jessica: Hi Kenny. Wellll, it rained the entire time. They rain delayed the start, then by noon, they had another rain delay. The race was called after 3 hours. To top it off, as we were packing up, the sun came out and the rain clouds left. Kyle wrecked. Tony wrecked before the race when he hit a cone in the road. Josh didn't blow up. Super-boring. Have a good day!

Derrick's New Saddle!

Derrick built this stealthy Storck for "Gimme a Break" matriarch Nell Carter, but alas, shes switched over to competitive weightlifting/binge-drinking. The bike itself weighs 16 pounds, but the saddle adds another 8. And yes, Derrick prefers his handlebars without tape thank you very much Mr. blog reader!!!!

Wes of Sunshine Cycles (Athens/Watkinsville) and his Ridley Damocles

Tony Zanca (of inside sales fame, the man you love to hate, aka Teenwolf, the All-American Heartbreaker, Manimal, the man unable to turn the big ring) sent me this lovely build from our friends at Sunshine Cycles in Athens/Watkinsville. Big ups to Wes (and to his peeps) for the gangsta-fresh build. Dig that crazy custom paint job! See ya'll at the Twilight Crit!!!
Build specs (all parts from Hawley, except for the frame-sorry!):
2008 Ridley Damocles “Large”
LiquidCycling.com paintjob
15.87 lbs.
SRAM Red group (compact, 11-23)
Selle Italia Thoork Team Edition
FSA SL-K post
FSA Energy Alu bars 44cm
FSA OS115 White 120mm stem
American Classic 420 silver w/ceramic bearings (non-bladed spokes)
Schwable Stelvio EVO (front/rear specific)
Speedplay Zero Stainless White
SRAM Super Cork tape
Cateye Strada

Lunchbox of the Month

Ok boys and girls, go put your artwork in your cubbies and come sit down on the magic mat. Today we have a new student starting and we want everyone to see his lunchbox. O'doyle, if I see you lay one finger on him or even try to barter for his twinkie, it's off to the Principal's office for you. With all this anticipation growing, you've got to be wondering to whom this tiny box of joy must belong to. Well, if you think you have the courage, drag your mouse atop the following link and proceed to clicking...

Who dat lunchy box belong to?

"Ya'll sell cats?" Yeah, We Got 'Em!

Okay Okay!

ONE MORE 24" WHEEL TO LOOK AT... THE SUN RINGLE 4 STROKE!

El Jefè

(Thursday, 10:31 AM Hawley Company Mothership)
Derrick: Steve, Bob called. The warehouse is in flames, Andy sold all the Storck frames for a bag of magic beans, Dave has locked himself in the women's bathroom and refuses to come out until Duran Duran writes a song about unicorns and Tony is considering gender modification surgery through a clinic in Bolivia. Oh, and NASA sent us an email about an imminent asteroid impact within, oh, I dunno, 45 minutes.


Steve:

Answer 24" Cruiser Wheels

Josh is laid back, like a valium that just ate a muscle relaxer while sipping a whiskey drink in a jacuzzi. So when I showed him these wheels, he made an exclamation of sorts (a kind of gurgle and then a raised eyebrow,) and furiously started doing the algorithmic calculations in his head that would allow him to buy them without his wife's knowledge and still have all genitalia left in tact... Feast your eyes you worthless half-wits!

Baker's Dozen 13 Hour Endurance Race...

Is rained out for this weekend. Jiminy Crickets!!! The Hawley Company had a fairly gi-normous crew of maniacs committed including: Jim, Josh, Tony, Jose, Carmen, Will, Kenny, Pastor Troy, Eric (formerly of Hawley, now Cane Creek deckhand) and his ole lady Kelly B. NOT TO MENTION the world debut of Andy "Does that spaghetti strap tank top come in fushcia?" Hale and the Storck Bicycles van of mystery and delight. Oh well, the race has been rescheduled for next Saturday, but Andy and the mystery machine will be on its way to Sea Otter!