In Response to the "Daily Special" on the Hawley Online Catalog

What gives people? I mean seriously, you're gone for two days, rocking your freaking head off with The Moody Blues (in all their geriatric glory. Now THOSE guys need Boron pills) and you come back to a full frontal attack from Teenwolf in the form of a libelous Daily Special write-up insinuating that the proprietor of this blog somehow engages in romantic and perhaps sexual congress with his pet cat. Let me clear the air. I have never had relations with this cat:


We'll return to our usual bicycle related blogging tomorrow.

From the Desk of Leonard Gelbarshot

A brief note from Hawley ombudsman Leonard Gelbarshot regarding yesterday's post and its referencing of alcohol, heroin and pill usage:

Yesterday's mention of whiskey, heroin and boron pills was both unfortunate and inexcusable. In no way does the Hawley Company and its parent company Global Chem-Max and Consolidated Uranium Holdings Entertainment and its subsidiary holdings Amalgamated Monkeybot LLC and Def Jam Genetic Research condone the use or glamorization of illegal drugs and narcotics. Those responsible have been flogged mercilessly with the Bat of Encouragement and forced to wear the Choker of Regret for the next six months. In addition, recovery times have since been retarded, workload un-enhanced, osteoporosis accelerated and libidinous thoughts and urges curtailed thanks to a newly instated Boron Pill cessation program. Once again, we apologize for yesterday's content.

Leonard Gelbarshot fields questions from the press. "Are you f*#@in' kiddin' me???"

"Boron pills curbed my bloodlust! Guano shots curbed my libido! Squeak squeak squeak!!!"

A Pill For All Seasons

Commuting takes its toll on both mind and body. While mental lassitude and trepidation can be bolstered with a fresh I-Pod playlist, a new jersey with eye-catching colors or a pint of whiskey and spoonful of heroin with the usual morning bagel and grapefruit, physical deterioration is far more difficult to remedy. Throughout the office and warehouse, commuters have begun to speak of "sore knees", "tired legs" and "confederate ghosts" plaguing their rides into work. The solution? Pills, powders and a certain South Congaree ghost hunter with a predilection for leather chaps and coonskin hats . We (the Royal "We") take all of the "things" pictured below as well as several hundred other "things" not pictured. My favorite is Hammer Nutrition's Boron Capsules. According to the bullet points, these little wonders stave off osteoporosis, enhance workload tolerance, aid recovery and supercharge your LIBIDO! Brantley screamed, "Hot corn! I'll take six boxes sucka!!!" as he ran down the hallway, clicking his heels like a man half his 68 years!

The Exciting Conclusion of "Name That Bolt"

Wellity, wellity, wellity! After several excellent guesses and a few not so excellent guesses, it is with a heavy heart that nobody (not even Kishima Yokamura from Shimano) was able to guess the mystery bolt was none other than good ole CRKP3102, the bolt you love to hate yet the bolt you can't live without, the pinch bolt that a non-drive side Shimano Dura Ace crank can't live without! Your consolation prize? A picture of my new tattoo:

Name That Bolt!

Today's contest is called "Name That Bolt!" (see post title). What is this bolt used for? Any guesses? If so, let me know so I can figure out what to do with this thing. Seriously, it's just taking up precious warehouse space. And no, you may not name this bolt Leonard. This bolt is named Leonard and Lord knows we don't need TWO Leonards taking up warehouse space!

Fire Up the Grill! Hawley Pre-Memorial Day Cook Out

No action shots of the grilling and ensuing fire that almost-never-was, but I was able to catch Matt Church and Josh in the break room gettin' their grub on! Guess who's putting Hudson Brothers baked beans in his Hydrapak this weekend???

Matt consumes food while Josh is overwhelmed by the selection.
Baked Beans and Cole Slaw, some assembly required. No jacket required however (bless you Phil Collins)....

Book Review: "Basic Essentials, Mountain Biking"

Rarely in the publishing trade is a book's release so eagerly anticipated as "Basic Essentials, Mountain Biking". This seminal tome, already in its second edition (!), is an A to Z, top to bottom manual of mountain biking DO's and DO NOT DOs! Examples of mountain bike topics covered include:
"Choosing a Mountain Bike"
"Riding Skills"
"Advanced Skills"
"Competition"
"How To Kill, Clean and Cook Transients, Teenage Runaways and Other Social Outcasts"
"Mountain Bike Maintennance"
"Selling a Transient's Scalp In a Buyer's Market"
"The Long Ride"
"Glossary of Terms"
But it's not just the table of contents that has literary critics and homeless people alike salivating. It's the in-depth writing and detailed, step by step instruction and advice that proves "Mountain Biking" is worth its weight in gold, delicious, life-affirming gold! Want proof? A brief excerpt from Chapter 19 "Obstacles- On the Trail and In Your Doomed, Loveless Sham of a Marriage":

A log bridge is scary yet not as difficult as it looks. Approach the log at a good clip, and get both wheels onto it steering straight. Continue to pedal the length of the log, keeping the wheel straight. Balance comes from forward inertia , not your steering ability. So be sure to be in a gear that is applying power to the bike and not just coasting across. If you feel like you are going to fall off the bridge, try and get away from the bike. These techniques have advanced into a subsport called "trials".

As if the enigmatic leap from reality to mythology by somehow linking a barely balanced log ride with one of the hardest physical disciplines on the planet wasn't enough of a display of writing acumen, then perhaps another excerpt is in order, this from Chapter 47 "Boulders, Rocks and Hard Knocks":

Boulders are approached just like logs, except for one difference: boulders are not as uniform, hence they can be more difficult. In going over large boulders, I scout all sides of the rock, looking for the lowest angled side. I ascend on this side and descend a steeper side. Avoid riding over the summit of the boulder as this demonstrates a certain amount of pride and self-adulation, which will be punished by the Earth Gods. If the summit is cleared, a nubile virgin must be sacrificed at once with a shimmering yet pure blade made of amethyst and dipped in an ancient wooden bowl of hemlock. You are bound to hit a chain ring on the summit. Instead, look for a place where the boulder flattens out before steepening for the descent.

In conclusion, "Basic Essentials, Mountain Biking" provides both beginner and seasoned veteran mountain bikers a wealth of knowledge that is easily transferred from the page to the trail. In addition, the second edition is now available in English instantly expanding an already established reader base, including those who wear Jazzercise leotards while riding (see "cover shot")
Figure 16-A Child's Rendering of "Riding Over a Log"
Figure 17-Appeasing the Earth Gods (not pictured, Amethyst Blade of Purification)
Figure 24-A Hapless Transient/Teen Runaway and matching scalp

Commuting Tips From Josh

"Hey Josh, how about some tips for the folks out there thinking about riding into work?"


"Meh"

Feast your eyes upon this one-of-a-kind box-of-lunch.  This pink and white Igloo (Sticker kit not included) is not available in stores, and can only be found under the arm of Captain Equal Rights, or Eddie from the warehouse.  Now, let us fill you in a little on Eddie.  Eddie has been with us for only a few weeks now and hasn't even been initiated yet.  For him to soldier in to work today with this little beauty tightly wedged between is biceps and pectorals muscles (as pictured above), we can only conclude one thing, either Eddie will quit today, or he's going to be around for quite a while!  Kudos Eddie, welcome to Hawley!

Hawley Field Trip to Zero Gravity

Because of a permission slip snafu (and a little thing called "parole violation", thank you Richland County Sheriff's office), I was not allowed on the field trip to Zero Gravity in Athens, GA, but for Jose, Derrick, Kyle, Will, Jim, Ian and Bruce, the immovable wooden doors of the magical barn of wonder and bemusement were opened for a day of bicycle riding, lagoon antics and gentlemanly conversation. Feast your eyes on the Wonka-esque wonderland...

Outside Zero Gravity (not pictured: Zero Gravity company zeppelin)

A motley assortment of bike riders and one serial killer. Guess which one! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Inside the Zero Gravity barn. Can you spot the human powered submarine?

Well, I guess you're commited

Overhead fan and former propeller for the Zero Gravity zeppelin (not pictured: the zeppelin)

A Ducati motorcycle, raffled away to a needy Ewok later in the afternoon.

Will and his head wound. How did he get the head wound? Viciously head-butting an Ewok!

Wake n Bake racing rig waits patiently for its master

"This will make you talk!"

When a man Zero G brake and a woman Zero G brake get married, they make baby Zero G brakes as a physical expression of their love. (from the book "Where Did I come From" written by Hakeem Olajuwon, illustrations by Norman Mailer)

Bike-To-Work Week! DAY 5 (Mr. Fish is neither a Mister OR a Fish, discuss!)

And so we come to the end of Bike-To-Work Week. But is this really the end, or is it a new beginning? Or perhaps, is it a never was? For some, the answer is "yes". For others, the answer is "no". And for a far greater percentage of the six and a half billion people who don't read this blog, the answer is "Huh?". And for one of you named Darrell Metzelberg, the answer is "Hold up, this ain't Muffler Master!" But I digress as my head is dizzy from all this talk of Bike-To-Work and the tasty chicken sandwich I consumed at Mr. Fish today. Mr. Fish is a new restaurant (and I use "restaurant" in the loosest sense of the word. Basically, think post-apocalyptic wasteland, then think of three mutants (friendly mutants) who survived the initial nuclear fallout, then think what if the mutants huddled together and decided to open a restaurant that serves fish related dishes, and then think diarrhea, lots of diarrhea) up the street from Hawley. The prices are low, the food is high and the decor is... uh... minimalist? So yeah, the chicken sandwich was like a congratulatory pat on the back to myself for finishing Bike-To-Work week in one piece. But I only rode four days, Joshie rode five, yet he ate a chicken sandwich as well! Can you fathom the implications of this? Can you? Can you??? In conclusion, Mr. Fish rated 5 stars for tastiness, 2 stars for decor/ambience, 12 stars for silverware and 3 thumbs up for tastiness.

(Late EDIT) On a side note, I told Trey (shipping) I'd put a shot of him playing drums with his band Four Zero Alpha from last week's show at New Brookland:
Pictured Left to Right: Skins, Trey

Bike-To-Work Week, DAY 4 (or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Traffic)

Day 4 of Bike-to-Work Week brings with it an assortment of death-defying adventures. To start with, whilst on Platt Springs Rd, my handlebar suddenly slips out of position pitching me forward (and pitching a choice expletive out of my mouth), the result of a loosened stem bolt. Then a few minutes later, uber-commuter Will breaks a spoke on the same road. The rear wheel now has a healthy wobble but Will soldiers on, as is the style for the shipping department these days. And finally, Teenwolf catches the passenger door of a car as she (the driver of said car) ignores green-light-right-of-way and turns recklessly into the Hawley commuter train. Luckily the moon wasn't full, it wasn't anything as it was 7:30 AM, but if it had been, the fur would've been flying!!!

(A quiet pedestrian/bike bridge over carnage-filled Assembly St)

Bike-To-Work Week, DAY 3 (AKA "Wednesday")

The history of the word "Wednesday" is a long, fascinating and delicious story that won't be discussed here. Instead, we shall recapitulate Day 3 of the National Bike-to-Work Week. What is there to discuss you ask? Well, not bloody much, but it is of some interest to note sales department urchin and cajun-flavored wild man "Pastor" Troy Whelan participated in his first bike commute this morning. Flanked by Tony (sales) and Kyle (incessant complaining) in what could be described as "Presidential Motorcade Formation", Troy was whisked along to work through the circuitous bike lanes and traffic-filled roads of Lexington county. God bless a country where a simple swamp-child, who only seven months ago was selling used toothbrushes and jitterbugging for spare change on Bourbon Street can eschew his gas-guzzling ways (what is Troy going to do with TWO fanboats in downtown Columbia?) and commit, like his gator brethren, to non-motorized transportation solutions...
(As a side note, does Jim really need a frame pump thats longer than his top tube? And yes, the top tube is a whopping 79 cm)

Bike-To-Work Week! (AKA Road Shoulder-Dumptruck Awareness Week)

Gas prices got you down? Looking to shed that generous layer of whale blubber you call "the gas tank for the love machine"? Itching to debut your new skin-tight Primal Wear jersey that bravely salutes an obnoxious brand of cereal or light beer? Hoping to engage in the visceral man versus machine combat that IS urban commuting? Then perhaps you should quit perusing this blog (all in jest) and get over to the League of American Bicyclists (formerly League of Justice and subsequently League of Bottom Spankings) and acquaint thyself with their Bike-To-Work Week happenings. We're riding in all week... ARE YOU???

Congratulations...

to Eric Smith for guessing the "What Is It?" mystery item. Just in case you are still scratching your head in befuddlement, let us illuminate you:

And yes good-hearted dealer, these make great Mother's Day gifts!

"What Is It?"

Faithful blog reader, today's game is called "What Is It?". A shameless rip-off, er, we mean a loving homage to "Highlights" magazine, featured each week (or year, depending on levels of interest and a pending lawsuit from "Highlights" Magazine) on this very blog! Shazaaaaam!!! The rules are simple: Look at the zoomed in mystery bike part, search your mind or the online catalog for inspiration, leave a comment with your intuited guess and if correct, win some "fabulous prizes". This week's prizes include a Kenda 700X28/32c SCHRADER tube and a very rare bottle of Grey Poupon "mild and creamy" dijon mustard, NOW WITH XANTHAN GUM!!! OK, heres the first pic:
Fabulous prizes:

Criterium Redemption: Teenwolf Feasts Upon the Competition

Firstly gentle reader, a stirring quote from AUNG SAN SUU KYI, (Freedom from Fear) about redemption:
"It is his capacity for self-improvement and self-redemption which most distinguishes man from the mere brute."
Self-redemption that distinguishes man from brute, but man from teenwolf??? I propose that Mr. Kyi must amend his line as of Saturday because a certain Teenwolf (our own Tony Zanca, of inside sales and mustache research) redeemed himself amongst the teeming masses at the Dilworth Criterium. After a disappointing 13th at the SC State Championships, Zanca was out for blood, delicious human blood. And if not delicious human blood, then equally nourishing squirrel, mole or any rodent blood within the Charlotte city limits. But I digress as is to be expected from the strenuous rigors of blogging. Heres how it went down: Tony rode well, conserved energy and bid his time. Then at a half mile, a rider went off the front so Tony "gunned" it on the downhill. A few riders caught Teenwolf on the uphill with one of them making a pass. Teenwolf grabbed his wheel and got around him with 150 meters to go. With a victory in sight, Tony had a rider on his wheel at 50 meters and was edged out by about 6 inches at the finish line. A well-deserved second place! Huzzahs all around! The Zanconia mustache research program will continue in earnest.
One of our Black Sheep Cartel chums celebrating a well-deserved victory with arm raised skyward, as is the style nowadays.
A Rock Racing team member quickly takes his name out of the Cat 5 race after happening upon a pre-lupine Teenwolf squatting naked behind a porta-john feasting upon a rabbit carcass.

There Will Be Blood!

"Hey, has anybody seen my bike?" And thus began my circumnavigation of the Hawley Company as I searched (in vain) for my Kona Unit 2-9. No nook, cranny or crevice was left un-investigated. After what seemed like days (could've been minutes) of fruitless searching, I stopped in my tracks, looked over my shoulder and there on the top shelf in the warehouse lay my bike! Visibly shaken and mentally fatigued, she wouldn't come when I whistled for her (as is customary with well-bred 29ers) so I woke Kyle up from his third afternoon nap and made him retrieve her with post-haste. Now the investigations and interrogations can begin in earnest, and then, retribution! Here are some non-Steven Seagal quotes about vengeance and retribution that you can use in your daily life: "An eye for an eye (Exodus 21:24)!"
"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" (Paul, you know, from the Bible)
"Revenge is a dish best served cold" (Khan from "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan")

MOUNTAIN BIKE OF THE WEEK...

...Belongs to Furious George Faulkner of Purchasing. It's a Ridley Cobra, with a splacknasty XTR build, DT Swiss wheels and insanely trick white FSA stem, seat post and handlebar. And yes, George put the tires on backwards so keep your big fat yapper SHUT! That is all plebian!
(clicky the picture to make big the image, yes???)

Hungry Like the Teenwolf

Sunday was crit day. To be more specific, it was SC Crit Championships day in downtown Charlestown. The race was staged at Hampton Park, an old horse track that was two straight-aways, three pleasant turns and one wet, shaded turn of infinite suffering and broken collarbones. We got there early so Tony "Teenwolf" Zanca could wander around bothering race organizers and civilians alike with an endless stream of questions like, "Wheres the bathroom?" "Can somebody pin my number?" "Any sign of the bathroom?" "What's a crit?" "I can get a quarter?" and so on ad infinitum until Troy slipped behind him ninja-style and administered a textbook sleeper hold to pacify the boisterous Teenwolf. So after some more waiting and a couple adventurous trips to the Porta-Potty (an olfactory holocaust) the Cat 5s (according to Eric, "the fat, slow guys in Primal Wear jerseys") took off for their 40 minutes of Hell. From the gate, Teenwolf was struggling as his shoe refused to clip in. "Oh shazbot. It's gonna be a long day" I muttered to myself as Troy nodded his head in agreement. But as luck and perhaps Fate (who is fickle, mind you gentle blog peruser) would have it, Tony got his feet clipped in and settled nicely within the race's rhythm. Three wrecks and 30 minutes later, the race ended with our lone Hawley representative finishing a respectable 13th. Teenwolf got boxed in on the last turn negating any chance at a sprint, top ten finish. Is positioning in a crit really that important? I guess so...